On Track

THEME TUNE ‘TRAIN’ BY GOLDFRAPP PLAYS WITH OPENING CREDITS.

TRAIN IS STATIONARY AT 'ABERGAVENNY' STATION, DEPARTING FOR NEWPORT. PAN TO CYCLIST ON PLATFORM, FULLY CLAD IN FLOURESCENT LYCRA AND SHADES, PUSHING HIS BIKE TOWARDS THE TRAIN DOOR.

DISSOLVE TO:

INSIDE MAIN CARRIAGE. MARTIN, A GREY-SUITED INSECURE TEACHER IN HIS MID-THIRTIES, IS CONCENTRATING HARD ON HIS BOOK; LOUISA, A WELL SPOKEN SHARPLY DRESSED MARKETING/PR MANAGER IN HER LATE TWENTIES, IS READING A WOMANS HEALTH AND FITNESS MAGAZINE SIPPING HER PROBIOTIC DRINK; SIMON, A RESTLESS AND CASUALLY DRESSED INSURANCE SALESMAN IN HIS MID-THIRTIES, LOOKS BORED.

TRAIN SLOWLY DEPARTS STATION. THEME TUNE FADES OUT.

SCENE 1 INT. – DAY (MAIN CARRIAGE)
(SIMON, MARTIN, LOUISA, CYCLIST)

SIMON
So, what super food is fashionable this week? I haven't heard about the wonderful combined properties of kumquat and aubergine as of yet!

There's not even enough liquid in one of those bottles to satisfy a mildly dehydrated gnat?

LOUISA
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me and the rest of the carriage, Simon. I happen to take pride in my physical wellbeing. Unlike some people.

SIMON
We can't all be like Brad Pitt you know Louisa! Take Blobby Williams there for instance.

MARTIN
What do you mean by blobby? I'm not blobby – just well taken care of.

SIMON
I can see that.

MARTIN
A little fat is an evolutionary trait in human survival terms, I'll have you know.

SIMON
As in survival of the fattest?

LOUISA
David is always complementary towards the way I look. The way one dresses is very important. It says a lot about a person. Speaks volumes.

SIMON
Judging by the loudness of Martin's tie, I'd agree with you.

CYCLIST, MID THIRTIES, ENTERS WITH SHADES AND HELMET STILL ON, CLUTCHING PUMP AND CARRYING A SMALL RUCKSACK.

CYCLIST
Is anyone sitting here mate?

SIMON
No, I think they must of left.

CYCLIST
Nice one.

CYCLIST PUTS PUMP ON THE TABLE, TAKES OFF RUCKSACK. CYCLIST'S SWEATY LYCRA CROTCH IS ALMOST TOUCHING MARTIN'S FACE, WHO LOOKS VERY NERVOUS. CYCLIST SITS DOWN NEXT TO SIMON.

SIMON
Do much cycling then?

CYCLIST
I try to. Just last week I racked up 120K's.

SIMON
120K's?
(ASIDE)
Don't suppose you know any other letters?

LOUISA
That is a lot. Do you compete at all?

CYCLIST
I'm in training, actually. Got a race coming up soon.

LOUISA
David, my husband, he used to race bikes.

SIMON
Did he beat any?

LOUISA
You know perfectly well what I mean. He narrowly missed selection for the Tour-de-France two years ago, so decided to cycle up Mount Kenya instead for our local charity. Took him 12 hours and raised enough to provide a whole village with its own water supply and 37 donkeys!

MARTIN
How much did he raise?

SIMON
After he'd been in the saddle for 12 hours, I'd say at least six inches.

LOUISA
It was over £8,000 actually. David enjoys both physically and mentally challenging himself.

SIMON
That’s obvious.

CYCLIST
Do you cycle yourself?

LOUISA
I do occasionally use the virtual cycle road race class at my gym.

SIMON
Virtual cycling? What else do you do there, perhaps some virtual Pilates, followed by a virtual shower?

CYCLIST
They’re great aren’t they! Especially when it’s pouring down outside. You should join our club.

LOUISA
Thanks, I may do that.

CYCLIST
Cool! Here, take my number. It’s got the address of the club where we meet on the front.

SIMON INTERCEPTS CARD

SIMON
Cycle for life? Sounds a fair swap to me. Of course, it’s much easier to ride a bike than run. You should try a marathon, mate. That'll challenge you more than free-wheeling along your virtual roads.

MARTIN
You’ve run a marathon? Which one?

SIMON
The Cardiff marathon. I've completed it three times in fact.

CYCLIST
Excellent dude! I ran my first marathon last year. What time did you get?

SIMON
It was a few years ago now, but I think I finished in around…three hours?

CYCLIST
Three hours?

SIMON
No, I meant, two and a half. Yeah, two and a half hours.

CYCLIST
That's bloody incredible!

SIMON
Is it? I mean, it is! Of course, I was a lot fitter back then. To me, the body is a temple and I worship it as often as I can.

MARTIN
So that's what you used to do back in your room at Uni then?

SIMON
You may mock me Martin, but girls appreciate a toned body, not some nerdy blubber chump. Don't they Louisa?

LOUISA
David is very well defined so I would have to go with Simon on this I'm sorry to say Martin. That and not knowing what a ' blubber chump' is.

CYCLIST
Looks like my stop coming up. Better get myself ready.

CYCLIST GETS UP FROM CHAIR AND REACHES FOR RUCKSACK AGAIN WITH GROIN IN MARTINS FACE.

LOUISA
Good luck in your race thing by the way. Break a leg!

CYCLIST
Cheers. Enjoy the rest of your journey. Laters.
CYCLIST LEAVES THE TRAIN BUT FORGETS PUMP.

This is just the first scene of my completed episode, but would appreciate what you think of the charachters (Simon, Martin and Louisa).

Ok ... my guess is that you have 5 to 8 minutes of stuff in the above and I'm assuming it's intended as a SitCom opener. There are one or two grammatical errors (as in: "SIMON No, I think they must of left." should be must've), otherwise the writing is pretty good. My main concern is that it lacks humour despite the characters being different enough to potentially generate quite a lot of laughs ... which they are just not doing in this piece! Some of the speeches are a bit overlong too. So needs work to significantly crank the humour up ... but worth sticking with.

I thought it was well written, but has it established the plot of the story? Thats the main thing to establish in the opening scene. From what you've written it would appear that this episode is going to revolve some sort of fitness/appearence theme. Thats what I got anyway.

Thanks for the support and advice to date.

I must admit, that slight (very) Welsh inflictions are occasionally used, so 'must of' instead of 'must've' would possibly work read aloud rather than reading it, in my opinion but willing to change if there is a stronger case for it!

Yes, this is an opening scene and no we have not got to the 'dilemma', that happens in the second scene. The opener introduces the three characters, the next scene lines one of them up with a big fall under the disguise of 'The Big Lie'.

Good to hear you can differentiate between the charchters, this was my main drive and punching up the script can come later, although i think the length of most of the dialogue is not overly long.

More please, more!!!

I have edited the above script slightly.