British Comedy Guide

Grime & Punishment

A man walks past a suitcase in his hallway and it starts moving so he kicks it and it stops.

The man then puts on his raincoat and picks up the suitcase and leaves the house.

The man walks down a rainy lamp lit street of terraced houses toward the canal.

He passes three teenage hoodies who are under a street lamp sniffing glue and stabbing an iPod with knives.

A woman runs up behind him her mascara is all over her face.

The man places the suitcase at the edge of the water.

The woman catches up to him and grabs his hand as she speaks

WOMAN
Hideous Lancashire accent
"If you drown my cat you f**king bastard I'll have t'coppers on you."

MAN
Full Yorkshire Accent
"I have to drown it duck, we've nay money t'feed it"

WOMAN
"We can all move down south, me you and the cat, I could get a job sewing dance dresses and you could work on the t'underground"

MAN
"And how would we get theeere lass, eh steal another car? Sell heroin to kids? Nay lass we'd best drown t'cat and put you on the game and get some brass in thy purse"

A man in a fur coat and pink winkle picker boots comes into shot and shouts

MAN
"That's a wrap loves, more tomorrow weather permitting, be on set for 8am"

The man in the fur coat and pink winkle pickers then makes a call on his mobile.

MAN
"Hello Otto, look love I'm still up north filming Kes Two for the beeb , it's a bloody nightmare. I can't understand a word of the script but I know it's edgy it's got heroin and dead cats etc. Listen love could you let Pippa know I'll be back Sunday and I'll meet her at the flat in Chelsea"

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