This is one of my pilots and my personal favourite.
I have put it up before however a year or two later and having taken on board a whole host of half decent pieces of advice I have got it to where I think it should be.
If anyone has the time or inclination to offer any positive advice I would genuinely be grateful.
CUSTOMER
Holding a half eaten meal
"Excuse me, I couldn't finish that!"
DOUG
"I'll have to lower the portions"
CUSTOMER
"I mean it was inedible!"
DOUG
"Thanks we don't normally get compliments"
CUSTOMER
"I'm not surprised!"
DOUG
"To be perfectly honest neither am I"
CUSTOMER
"Well I'm not paying for it!"
DOUG
"What am I supposed to do with it?"
CUSTOMER
"I'm not bothered but whatever you do, don't bloody eat it!"
THE CUSTOMER STORMS OUT A YOUNG MAN HAS BEEN WATCHING THE EXCHANGE. HE NERVOUSLY APPROACHES THE COUNTER AND SPEAKS IN A TIMID VOICE
EVAN
"Excuse me are you the owner?"
DOUG
Wary
"Who wants to know, you're not from the council are you?"
EVAN
"No my names Evan I'm a student at the university"
DOUG
Friendly
"Oh your miles out your way, you need to go out of here and turn left at the Trumpet shop and then it's a good ten minute walk up to the bus station.
Looks at his watch
"If you're lucky you can catch the number 6 and if you're not you'll have to get the 7. If that's the case try to sit near the driver"
A female customer then comes to the counter
FEMALE CUSTOMER
"Excuse me are your eggs free range?"
DOUG
"They certainly are madam; I get them off a rambler"
CUSTOMER
"Do you have gluten free bread?"
DOUG
"We don't get much call for it, but we might have some brown left if that helps?"
CUSTOMER
"Is it GM free?"
DOUG
"No love it's the same price as the white"
The customer shakes her head and walks out. Doug shakes his own head and then notices that Evan is still there.
DOUG
"I thought you were late for school?"
EVAN
"I think you've got the wrong end of the stick I've come in about the help wanted sign in your window"
DOUG
"Sorry about that son, we get that many lost people coming in here I'm surprised they don't keep a Sally Army soldier on guard outside"
EVAN
"Is the position still open?"
DOUG
"Have you got any experience?
EVAN
"No but I'm really keen and I learn fast"
DOUG
"Well I can't fault your attitude"
EVAN
"My accommodation is only across the street and I'm a great time keeper and extremely reliable, honestly"
DOUG
"That's what the last one said, I haven't seen him since"
EVAN
"I really need the work; my grant barely covers my rent and my parents are in no position to help me financially"
DOUG
Softens then throws a filthy tea towel for Evan to catch
"All right son I'll give you a whirl"
EVAN
"Thanks, I won't let you down I promise"
DOUG
"I'll give you a fortnight's trial and we can take it from there"
EVAN
"That's brilliant; I hope you don't mind me asking what the wages are."
DOUG
"They're what you get at the end of the week!"
EVAN
"I mean what's the hourly rate?"
DOUG
"You're not a Serbo Croat are you?"
EVAN
"No I'm from Cardiff".
DOUG
"Well that doesn't necessarily make you a bad person"
EVAN
"Why did you ask if I was a Serbo Croat?"
DOUG
"I had to let one go last week, that's why the signs up"
EVAN
"Wasn't he up to the job?"
DOUG
"No he was a cracking worker".
EVAN
"What was the problem then?"
DOUG
"He sounded like Count Dracula and he had the habit of picking his teeth with his dirty finger nails. Once the punters started calling him the 'Dirty Count' I chased him"
EVAN
"You sacked him for having poor English?!"
DOUG
"Did I hell we cater for anyone in here including Geordies"
EVAN
"Then why did you sack him? ‟
DOUG
"He was over charging the customers"
EVAN
"Perhaps he didn't understand our currency"
DOUG
"He understood it alright! He was on first names terms with the manger of the local Bureau de change. When he said he was sending money home I didn't think he meant my money! The till was down that much I couldn't even afford to eat here myself"
EVAN
"Well you don't have to worry about me I'm as honest as they come"
DOUG
"Let's not go nuts eh? When times get this hard you might find that you have to depend more on your wits than your morals"
EVAN
"I know what you mean, last week I had to buy a kids train ticket to get home to Cardiff to see my Parents"
DOUG
"Don't worry about it, I lie about my age all the time; the tax man thinks I'm 11"
EVAN
"When do you want me start? And what do I call you Boss? Sir?"
DOUG
"Call me Doug and there's no time like the present, you stack them dirty dishes and I'll show you the ropes as we work ok?"
EVAN
"Do you have any protection wear like gloves or anything?"
DOUG
"There you go son, your very own staff uniform"
EVAN
"This says 'Little Chef'?"
DOUG
"I get them cheap off the internet; I just have to lie about my height."
EVAN
Begins washing the dirty dishes
"These plates remind me of being in hospital"
DOUG
Was wiping the counter but stops dead
"I hope you know I don't do sick pay here, I'm a sole trader!"
EVAN
"No I mean they actually look like hospital plates"
DOUG
"That's because they are, I got them in a job lot when they shut the Hospital down. If I would have had the money I could have got their X ray machine as well"
EVAN
"What use would that be?"
DOUG
"Security! With the amount of cutlery I lose in here it would have paid for its self in three months"
EVAN
"How much was it"
DOUG
"Twelve grand"
A new customer appears at the counter. The customer is dressed as a builder and has an Irish accent
CUSTOMER
Full Blarney, raised voice
"Good morning to you gentlemen, can I have three full UK breakfasts to take out please."
DOUG
"You did say THREE, not FREE didn't you?"
CUSTOMER
"T-H-R-E-E"
DOUG
"Alright calm down we're not on Sesame Street! I've had trouble with that one in the past."
CUSTOMER
"What, Oirish like me were they?"
DOUG
"They were bigger actually and one was planning on paying with a shovel"
CUSTOMER
"Turn nasty did it?"
DOUG
"It could have, but then two coppers came in"
CUSTOMER
"That was lucky, you must have been grateful to see them"
DOUG
"I was until they give me a summons for parking fines"
CUSTOMER
"Swings and roundabouts eh"
DOUG
"It's more like a white knuckle ride in this place"
THE CUSTOMER TAKES A SEAT. DOUG DISCREETLY COACHES EVAN ON PRICES AS HE COOKS THE CUSTOMERS ORDER
DOUG
"Right let's get down to the job in hand. The menu is very simple, we do 7 items, eggs, bacon, sausage, mushrooms, tomatoes, black pudding and toast. Each single item is 50p and all together they make a full English which is £4.50"
EVAN
"That means that the full English works out £1 dearer?"
DOUG
"Technically, but they do get a free tea or coffee."
EVAN
"I suppose its instant coffee?"
DOUG
"It depends how busy we are?"
EVAN
"What if they ask for a bread sandwich instead of a toasted one, is that the same price?"
DOUG
"This isn't the Hilton son, we only do 7 items."
EVAN
"Surely it's easier to butter plain bread than make toast?"
DOUG
"Look son you're a clever lad, so you will hopefully understand the company policy in relation to all yeast based products utilised on company premises. It has been deemed fiscally prudent to use secondary based components which, when exposed to heat for a given period of time, will become sufficiently edible to be served without the dissatisfaction of the paying customer being unduly aroused."
EVAN
"You mean we're using stale bread?"
DOUG
"Keep your voice down! Anyway it's Company policy, my hands are tied."
EVAN
"But what if they insist on plain bread?"
DOUG
"We throw all trouble makers out and no refunds!"
Doug exits the kitchen and serves the order up to the Irish customer. As Doug returns to the kitchen a man carrying a tray of bread enters through the back door
BREADMAN
"Morning ladies"
DOUG
"Never mind good morning it's half nine! I ran out of thick slice twenty minutes ago"
BREADMAN
"I left an extra two on the front step at five o'clock this morning‟
DOUG
"Well they must have been robbed again! I'm sick of it, last week they robbed three semi skimmed and four dozen eggs off that step! I even saw the little bleeder riding off on a motor bike!"
BREADMAN
"Are you sure it was a motor bike, it sounds more like a scrambler"
DOUG
"Oh very droll, anyway I hope he gets salmonella, this is Evan by the way I took him on today"
EVAN
Raises his hand in welcome
BREADMAN
Nods
"Eh while we're on the subject I saw that Dirty Count who used to work here yesterday. He's working on that big building site over on Water Street now."
DOUG
"With the amount money he robbed off me he's probably the developer!"
BREADMAN
Poor impression
"No he's on security; I see him every morning all he does is walk round the site shouting Vault! vo dos dere!‟
DOUG
"I didn't know he was Australian?"
BREADMAN
"He said he's getting a dog to patrol with this Friday".
DOUG
"Sounds about right, that filthy sod Carol from the Post Office is due back from Tenerife"
BREADMAN
"How come you hate Carol so much?"
DOUG
"She wants to mind her business that's why; she only met the Dirty Count after she came round here accusing me of paying my rates in dud twenties. I told her I had no idea they were duds!"
BREADMAN
"What did she say?"
DOUG
"The cheeky cow claimed she has seen me biting pound coins so there's no way I'd have taken a dud twenty. She was all for calling the police until the Dirty Count started making eyes at her; I had to give him a forty pound sub and the afternoon off to take her the pictures."
BREADMAN
"Back row of the movies job eh"
DOUG
"Actually they were right in the middle until the manager spotted them with his torch and threw them out"
BREADMAN
"No wonder they call him a Dirty Count!"
DOUG
"No give him his due he's quite old fashioned, they were only holding hands"
EVAN
"They got threw out for holding hands!"
DOUG
"No the Manager spotted the dud twenty they paid for tickets with"
BREADMAN
"Apparently they're engaged now. I heard he's learning English from her and that they've got a flat together above your ex wife's Deli Diner"
DOUG
"Deli Diner my arse! It was massage parlour when we bought it. I nearly killed myself viewing it; the stair rail was covered in baby oil. The first two weeks it was open there was twenty four arrests for indecency alone and they still daren't leave the sausage rolls out on the counter even now.
BREADMAN
"It's doing well though; the toy boy upped their bread order yesterday."
DOUG
"I suppose he's still not pulling his weight"
EVAN
"Toy boy; is he much younger than your ex wife Doug?"
DOUG
"Is he hell, he was forty nine on April first and she'll be 50 this Halloween"
EVAN
"Why do you call him a Toy Boy then?"
DOUG
"He's got plastic elbows; he lost the real ones trying to stop a pallet of spuds sliding off the delivery ramp! You want to see him in a T shirt he looks like an Action Man doll."
EVAN
"Is he badly handicapped?"
DOUG
"No, he just won't go near the grill, he told her he's worried his elbows might melt. If you ask me he's taking the piss"
BREADMAN
"Anyway I can't stand here talking all day I've got three dozen ham baps in the van to drop off at the Kings Head for Eddy Walsh's funeral"
DOUG
"I didn't even know he was dead"
BREADMAN
"He's not, it's a 'Canoe Job'! His wife's throwing a wake because she thinks the house is being watched, he's up in his mothers loft till the insurance cheque clears."
DOUG
"Well if you do see him, tell him he still owes me ten quid for that meat pack I sold him
BREADMAN
"I doubt he'll pay you for that, he's claiming that's what killed him!
DOUG
"The cheeky bast.....
A LARGE MAN IN WORK CLOTHES COMES TO THE COUNTER. HE HAS THE WORD 'RIPPER' WRITTEN ON THE FRONT OF HIS HARD HAT.
EVAN
"Can I serve this customer?"
Doug nods and carries on talking to the Breadman.
The new customer puts his hands onto the counter his manner is at best abrupt
RIPPER
"A sausage on, and a tea."
EVAN
"Would it hurt to say please?"
RIPPER
"No but it'll hurt you if I have to."
DOUG
Intercedes
"Leave this to me Evan, you go and make sure that soft lad leaves me three thick and two medium"
Evan leaves to attend the Breadman
RIPPER
"I only want me usual Doug."
DOUG
"No problem Ripper, how's your mother these days?"
RIPPER
"She's fine thanks Doug, I tell her you're always asking after her."
DOUG
Picks a dead fly off the tea urn as he speaks
"The woman's an angel."
RIPPER
"Who's the new lad?"
DOUG
"He's alright Ripper, he's a student".
RIPPER
"Bloody layabouts"
Doug returns to the kitchen area. He sees that Evan had overheard the conversation
EVAN
"Doug thanks for sticking up for me, but I could have handled it myself."
DOUG
"That's Ripper Mc Dermott out there son and the only thing you do with him is take his money if he decides to pay and then count your blessings."
EVAN
"I'm surprised you never told him where to get off"
DOUG
"With people like Ripper you smile while you still have the teeth to do it with."
EVAN
"I can't understand how you put up with such rudeness."
DOUG
Spits on Rippers sausages as he speaks
"It's all water off a ducks neck to me son."
Evans mobile phone rings
DOUG
"What's that noise?"
EVAN
"It's my mobile."
DOUG
"Get it away from these sausages; you'll get me shut down."
Evan holds a conversation on his mobile, he is trying not to let Doug overhear him.
Doug then passes him as he takes Rippers food over to him
EVAN
"Hello Karen I can't talk now I've actually got a job and they've started me right away. I'll tell you about it later"
Evan finishes his call as the Breadman returns through the back door balancing a tray of bread on his head
BREADMAN
"Where's he gone now, I need my money
Evan goes to the hatch and calls Doug.
EVAN
"The bread man wants money."
Doug enters the kitchen area
DOUG
"Have you got my three thick and two medium"
BREADMAN
Very poor Spanish accent
"Por Favor Senor let's not forget you owe me 198 quid exacta mundo."
DOUG
Bad French accent
"Oh contraire Monsieur, I owe you £158 "
BREADMAN
"You're forgetting the 200 fags you got."
DOUG
"I gave you forty quid for them"
BREADMAN
"You gave me two counterfeit twenties!"
DOUG
"The fags were counterfeit so what's your point?"
The conversation is interrupted by Evan who has been serving some customers; he then gives Doug the order verbally through the hatch
EVAN
"Can I have four bacon on toast and a tea please?"
DOUG
"What table was that order for Evan?"
EVAN
"Table 8?"
Doug walks right over to table 8. Four builders are sitting at the table they pretend not to notice Doug
DOUG
"Alright let's have it!
Customers feign ignorance
CUSTOMER
"Have what? I don't know what you're on about."
DOUG
"Either you hand it over or Ripper gets a free full English for services rendered"
CUSTOMER
Promptly hands over a really large thermos flask
His manner is apologetic
"Sorry Doug we saw the new lad and took a chance"
DOUG
"Cafe rules no flasks".
CUSTOMERS
Apologetic to a man
"Sorry Doug"
DOUG
"Never mind sorry, I take it you'll be ordering three more teas."
All the men nod and Doug returns to the rear carrying the flask
EVAN
"Is that common people bringing flasks in?"
DOUG
"They'd throw a bloody wedding reception in here if my back was turned long enough!"
BREADMAN
"You have to keep your eyes open in this place son."
EVAN
"Any other advice?
BREADMAN
"Yeah don't eat the food!"
Doug empties the confiscated flask into three cups and serves them back to the same customers. As Doug returns to the kitchen
the Customer who had the flask calls appears at the hatch holding his cup
CUSTOMER
"Eh Doug this tea tastes funny."
DOUG
"Thermos must be a problem with your taste buds, anyway count yourself lucky you're not barred!"
Two men in business suits then enter the café. Both Evan and the Breadman spot the men through the hatch before Doug.
EVAN
"These two look official Doug".
Doug actually appears happy to see the two men and greets them in a very friendly tone through the hatch.
DOUG
"Good morning Mr Short, Mr Curly."
MR HURLEY
"Actually it's Hurley"
DOUG
"Not for me it's not, I've been up since 5"
MR HURLEY
"No my names Hurley, as in Elizabeth"
DOUG
"Funny name for a man? Why don't you two gents pick a clean table and have a coffee and I'll be over to you in a minute."
MR HURLEY
Low voice
"What constitutes clean in this place?"
Doug takes off his overall and dips his hands into dirty dish water and smoothes down his hair with his wet hands, he then smoothes down his shirt trying to wipe egg yolk from it.
DOUG
"Evan can you do me two coffees in the good cups."
EVAN
"Which are the good cups?
DOUG
"Just make sure they're clean and have handles and no chips!"
EVAN
"You'll have to give me five minutes then."
Doug gives Evan a raised eyebrow as he enters the cafe
BREADMAN
"I'm off son, tell Doug I'll see him tomorrow for the money, if he's still in business."
The Breadman exits hurriedly through the back door
Doug strolls over to the two men's table his tone is very friendly.
DOUG
"There are two coffees coming and I can give you five minutes so, how can I help you?"
Mr Hurley's approach is not very convincing and his partner appears embarrassed by his style.
MR HURLEY
"We were in the area and thought we would pop in and see if you've given any thought to the offer we made you the last time we spoke?
EVAN
Arrives at the table
"There you go sir two black coffees, the milk and sugar are on table 4."
Evan returns to the counter, Doug looks embarrassed and signals Evan to return to the table
DOUG
"Sorry about this gents, Evan can you come here please"
EVAN
"Yes Doug?"
Doug points to the coffees on the table, Evan is still puzzled
DOUG
"You forgot to take the gentleman's money!"
EVAN
"Oh I thought."
DOUG
"Don't think son just follow the board prices!"
Doug is not the least bit fazed as the men search for the money to pay for the drinks. Evan is clearly embarrassed
EVAN
"I'm awfully sorry gents that will be two pound please."
Doug appears proud of Evans polite yet embarrassed handling of the situation. Evan returns to the counter area and slams the money into the till
DOUG
"Very polite lad he's a student you know"
MR HURLEY
"Doug, the offer we made you could give you your biggest pay day ever. At the moment this property is still viable despite the downturn, however any delays and you never know with the way market is."
MR SHORT
"The offer made was very good and given the condition of the property"
DOUG
"There's nothing wrong with the condition, I'm getting the Toilet fixed this Thursday. The brother in law's a builder, he's been working away in Poland but he's back home now"
MR HURLEY
"It's a solid, honest offer Doug"
DOUG
"I'll be up front with you lads, I don't want to see you getting ripped off. This place has never made money, in the past it's been everything from a cobblers to a ships chandlers and no one has ever made money here"
MR HURLEY
"A ships chandlers! We're twenty miles from the sea?"
DOUG
Holds out his hands and gestures
"Exactly!"
MR HURLEY
"Your ex wife seems keen."
DOUG
"She would be! I divorced her for adultery."
MR HURLEY
"I'd hate you to miss the boat on this one Doug."
DOUG
"Don't worry If I do, there's a life boat in the yard, it was left by the ships chandlers."
The men shake hands and leave Mr Hurley uses his hand to make a phone me gesture
EVAN
"That looked serious who where they?
DOUG
"They want to buy me out."
EVAN
"What the hell for?"
DOUG
"I'll have you know this place is a potential goldmine"
EVAN
"I don't know about that."
DOUG
"Eh make no mistake; those two can see the real potential in this place."
EVAN
"So they just walked in and said that they want to buy your café in the middle of a credit crunch and you said no?"
DOUG
"Not in so many words."
EVAN
"Have you looked at the possibility that they might be escaped mental patients?"
DOUG
"As it happens they're from Boldo!"
EVAN
"They're a multinational supermarket chain!"
DOUG
"Exactly and they didn't get where they are today by buying poor sites"
EVAN
"Doug if they offer you a good price you should sell, I know I would lose my job in the bargain but would hate to see you miss out"
DOUG
"That's nice of you son, but It all depends on the price, I have to give my ex wife 89% if I sell, so you can imagine there's no race"
EVAN
"Was it a messy divorce then?"
DOUG
"It certainly was, even my solicitor got punched in the neck!"
EVAN
"Was she violent then?"
DOUG
"No she's more the cold calculating type
EVAN
"Then how come the solicitor ended up getting hit?"
DOUG
"That was me, I hit the idiot, she came for the shirt off my back and he ended up giving her my vest as well."
EVAN
"So do you have to give her half of your profit, from this place as well?
DOUG
"No she only gets 89% if I sell the building, the business is mine, she got the other café"
EVAN
"So all you got was this place, you got a raw deal there Doug."
DOUG
"You're not kidding, she even got my dog Monty and she changed its name to Bunty, just to do my head in."
EVAN
"At least there were no children?"
DOUG
"We've got two!"
EVAN
"How did they take it?"
DOUG
"My eldest Andrew took his mothers side."
EVAN
"Kids often act confused during their parents' divorce."
DOUG
"He was never confused; he took his mother's side right through the entire court case."
EVAN
"So the poor sod sat there and listened to it all?"
DOUG
"I Wish he had just sat and listened, the little bastards a trained barrister, he represented his mother. I paid for him to go to bloody law school and he came at me like Quincy, I never stood a chance."
EVAN
"What about the other kid?"
DOUG
"Joined the Army at 16, great with any engine you could name, fit as a fiddle, had dreams of joining the SAS"
EVAN
"What happened?"
DOUG
"She crushed two toes in Aldershot after a tank rolled over her foot. She left the Army and opened a little garage in London with her partner Simone; they share a house in Ealing."
EVAN
"She's gay?"
DOUG
"Well she seems happy enough, mind you London's got a lot more going on than round here."
Evan realizes Doug is unaware of his daughter's sexuality; he attempts to change the subject
EVAN
Looks through the hatch
"Looks like the dinner trades started"
DOUG
"Come on let's get busy"
We then see a busy Doug and Evan working away in the cafe as a clock moves on the wall
Doug is now in the kitchen with Evan there are empty plates and dirty pans all over the place
A man enters through the rear door dressed as a butcher, he is carrying two large boxes which he places on the kitchen floor
DOUG
"Evan I have the dubious honour of introducing you to Terry Butcher, the worst meat supplier in six counties."
TERRY
"Afternoon"
DOUG
"What do you want? I paid you on Monday!"
TERRY
"Calm down Doug this is not about money."
DOUG
"Thank heaven for small mercies."
TERRY
Rubs his chin pretending to think back
"Tell you what though, I did end up with two dud twenties on Monday."
DOUG
"There's a load going around, Tommy the bread man said he had one as well"
TERRY
"He told me that he got it off you."
DOUG
"He's got a cheek complaining about counterfeiting, have you tried those fags he's selling? Henson & Bedges limited edition my arse"
TERRY
"Relax Doug I'm not here about moody twenties; I got rid of mine the minute I spotted them!"
DOUG
"Give them in at the Police station did you?"
TERRY
"No I went into that Cancer Charity shop on Sidwell St and asked the old bat behind the counter if she had change for the launderette next door."
DOUG
"Nice shot, that launderettes been shut for three years"
TERRY
"Doug I'm here to give you first refusal on my new range of sausages."
DOUG
"First refusal, I bet you have offered them to everyone".
TERRY
"Not a bit of it Doug, these are 100% pure meat."
DOUG
"Pork or beef?"
TERRY
"Yes"
DOUG
"Which?"
TERRY
"Both, it's a pure meat mixture, most sausages these days are only about 30% meat, the rest is cereal."
DOUG
"The ones you sell me are more like 100% cereal, if I added a bit of milk and a spoonful of sugar I could pass them off as Weetabix.!"
TERRY
"Stand on me these bangers will go like rockets"
DOUG
"Get to the point Guy Fawkes."
TERRY
"These come from just outside the EEC, they make them totally out of offal so you can class them as 100% pure meat just don't say beef or pork."
DOUG
"It sounds like too much hassle."
TERRY
"They're offally cheap."
DOUG
"How much?"
TERRY
"You can have them on trial twenty quid a box, payable in tenners."
DOUG
"I'll probably end up on trial myself, go on give us two"
TERRY
"That's the spirit Doug."
DOUG
"I have no idea why I'm asking, but what country are they from?"
TERRY
"I've no idea, but the lorry was left hand drive so you can class them as continental".
DOUG
"I'll see you next Monday for my usual then.
TERRY
Exits
"Ta ra".
EVAN
Stands over the boxes of sausage
"What do you want me to do with these two boxes?"
DOUG
Is chasing a fly with a dirty tea cloth
"Put them in the storeroom for now."
EVAN
"Shouldn't they be refrigerated?"
DOUG
Still chasing a fly
"What does it say on the box?"
EVAN
"I can't make out the language; I can't even workout the animal shapes on the box."
DOUG
Has failed to get the fly
"Alright Noah just stow those two away for now, I'm nipping next door to borrow some fly spray."
Doug exits
Clock on wall shows its three thirty
Doug returns and sprays the kitchen area with fly spray
He then looks out into the empty cafe
DOUG
"Well that's the last of the punters for today"
EVAN
"Closing time?"
DOUG
"Go on, I'll lock the door you make us a nice cup of tea."
EVAN
"How much will that cost me?"
DOUG
"You're learning son, seeing as you're on a week in hand you can have a free one."
Doug locks up and they both sit down in the kitchen
EVAN
"Ergh what's that smell?"
DOUG
"I had to spray the storeroom, either those sausage's are off, or the drains have gone again"
EVAN
"That's one nasty smell"
DOUG
"I love it. It's called 'Fragrance of the Alps' every time I spray it I keep expecting to see Julie Andrews come dancing in."
EVAN
"There won't be any Alps left if you keep using them sprays they're wrecking the planet."
DOUG
"I wish that was all I had to worry about
EVAN
"Doug on a serious level, I can do more than wash dishes you know. I'm studying business management and I reckon with the right advice you could really take this café places"
DOUG
"Thanks son no offence but it would take more than a first year student to sort my mess out."
EVAN
"It's not just me Doug I have loads of friends at uni who are studying allsorts, I could even get your books and tax done for you."
DOUG
"I can't afford it."
EVAN
"The tax guys my best friend he won't even charge you."
DOUG
"I mean I can't afford to pay tax!"
EVAN
"You could at least give it a try; you would be able to tap into free expert advice. We could even swing it with our tutor and set the whole thing up as a project in business reconstruction, the uni is always looking for real business's to offer real life experience".
DOUG
"I think you've seen too many episodes of 'Scooby Doo' grown men don't get pesky kids to sort out their problems."
EVAN
"You said yourself that ‟Boldo‟ see this as a viable site".
DOUG
"They certainly do"
EVAN
"And you said that your ex doesn't get a penny from the café as a business, she only makes if you sell the building, so why don't you at least give it a go?"
DOUG
"And do what? "
EVAN
"Play them at their own game. My flat mate Simon is in his first year of an accountancy degree and he is a genuine wizard with figures."
DOUG
"I don't know if I want some snot nosed kid looking at my books".
EVAN
"No problem there Doug, Simons forty three, he's a mature student"
DOUG
"43! What's does he want to be when he leaves school a fireman?!"
EVAN
"Trust me he's a whiz."
DOUG
"He's hardly a child prodigy."
EVAN
"That's because he dedicated half his life looking after his mother."
DOUG
Visibly softened by this information
"That's nice."
EVAN
"Now he can dedicate his time to his studies".
DOUG
"Was it sudden?"
EVAN
"Right out of the blue, he came home one day and found a note on the piano."
DOUG
"Suicide, nasty business."
EVAN
"No, she ran away with her Zumba instructor to Spain and sold the bungalow. The letter just told him to get a life, so now he's at Uni."
DOUG
"I bet the girls get a fright when you bring them back your digs and see you live with your dad."
EVAN
"He's a really nice guy Doug and despite only being a student he's a real tax expert. He's that good you might even get a rebate, despite you not even paying it"
DOUG
"Get him in tomorrow"
EVAN
"Ahh Tuesday's the only day he's not free, he goes to the airport all day."
DOUG
"Poor sod must be pining for his mother?"
EVAN
"No he's a plane spotter, he collects the plane numbers "
DOUG
"This is not sounding like a smart move."
EVAN
"Doug I studied ‟Boldo‟ for my A levels, do you know that they make £4.5 Million clear profit a year from every site that they open"
DOUG
"What do they charge eight quid for a tin of beans?"
EVAN
"All I know is that if Boldo with all their market research think this site is ripe for discount food in tins, then it's ripe for hot discount food on plates".
DOUG
"There be no change of business either so I wouldn't need permission, no red tape"
EVAN
"You could call the place 'Doug's Discount Diner'"
DOUG
"I am not comfortable with the word 'Discount' it gives the idea that we will be cheap"
EVAN
"That's exactly what it should be cheap and cheerful"
DOUG
"If I'm giving things out cheap I'm going to struggle to look cheerful"
EVAN
"All I know is that if you jazzed this place up you could have a goldmine on your hands"
Doug turns off the light in the main café and surveys it he speaks
DOUG
"Or I could be just digging a bigger hole!"
Doug then throws his half drunk cup of tea onto the floor
DOUG
"Come on then, you get your coat and I'll lock up, I'll want you in for 6 on the dot in the morning"
EVAN
Stunned at Doug's action
"What about that mess you've just made?"
DOUG
Looks at his watch
"Don't worry about that! Mary the cleaner will arrive in 4 minutes"
EVAN
"She's that reliable?"
DOUG
"Bang on every day. I met her in the waiting room at the doctors after my knee went playing draughts.
She said she was seeing the GP because she can't stop cleaning up. She said she had started twitching if she seen dirt. Then I accidentally mentioned that I had a dirty kitchen and she was round in a flash with the flash."
EVAN
"You mean you're using a person with OCD as a cleaner?"
DOUG
"She loves the job, so does her husband, he drops her off and goes home and eats his tea in the living room watching telly while she's out, he said it's the only break he gets!"
EVAN
"I suppose you could look at it as though your helping her by employing her"
DOUG
"Exactly she's the best volunteer I've ever had. She saved my bacon I can tell you!
I already had an idea that my ex wife had reported me to the environmental health to try and get the café shut so I'd have to sell the building.
But thanks to Soft Shelia by the time they got here I ended up winning an award for cleanliness, I even had my picture in the local paper."
EVAN
"Was she in the paper as well?"
DOUG
"You don't publicise a person's mental health problem son"
EVAN
"Sorry I didn't think"
DOUG
"Besides I don't want her finding paid work, it would ruin her therapy"
Doug switches off the light as both characters exit through the back door.
END OF EPISODE
