THE QUEEN AND PRINCE PHILIP ARE ASLEEP IN BED AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE. A TACKY DIGITAL ALARM CLOCK SAYS 2:27AM. A GHOSTLY FIGURE APPEARS ABOVE THE BED WHO HOWLS AND SHOUTS, WAKING UP THE QUEEN. PHILIP CONTINUES TO SNORE.
NANA: Oi! Where's my telegram?
QUEEN: (WAKING UP) Hmm, eh, wh-what?
NANA: My 100th birthday telegram - where is it?
QUEEN: Sorry, who are you?
NANA: Smith. Mrs Clara Smith.
QUEEN: Mrs Smith, it's 2:30 in the morning. One doesn't dish out telegrams at this time of night. Besides, we haven't done that in years - I get Harry to send text messages now.
NANA: That's no good to me - I can't get any network coverage on the other side.
QUEEN: The other side? ITV?
NANA: The Spirit Channel.
QUEEN: Wait a minute - are you telling me you're dead?
NANA: Of course I am! Why do you think I'm floating above your head like this and howling like a banshee. I'm not on a wire you know.
QUEEN: When did you die?
NANA: April 14th 1992.
QUEEN: And it's your 100th birthday today? Mrs Smith, in the terms of the contract you actually have to live to be a hundred to get a message from me. Not 79 and be let off the 21 years for good-natured haunting.
NANA: I want me telegram!
QUEEN: It's highly irregular but I'll tell you what I'll do...
SHE REACHES INSIDE BEDSIDE TABLE DRAWER AND PULLS OUT A PIECE OF PAPER.
QUEEN: I forgot to do one for mother when she turned 100. Luckily she was so tanked up on gin she didn't even notice - I'll just cross her name out and you can have hers.
NANA: Well, I don't know...
QUEEN: It's either that or wait until Philip pops his Greek clogs and delivers it personally
NANA: I'll take it!
QUEEN: Good. Now piss off and let me sleep!
END