Hello. They say, "You Only Get One Chance To Make A First Impression"
What they don't tell you is, if that person has Alzheimers, you have infinite chances to make a first impression".
Can I just address something before we start properly?
I went to the toilet earlier, and there were skidmarks...Down the front of the bowl...As if someone had reverse cowgirled the toilet to take a shit. [Mime].
Now I've thought about it right, and it's not a bad idea...Sometimes in the morning before work I'm rushing, and I have to make a decision, breakfast or a cheeky poo.
With this method, I can kill two birds with one stone. [Mime eating from back of toilet]...I can even fit in enough time to do the washing up. [Mime washing plate in toilet]
You know those waving cats you find in Chinese takeaways? I've always wondered why they're so popular? Turns out they're a symbol of good luck.
Now, knowing what I know about Chinese culinary trends, if you're a cat...sat outside a Chinese kitchen...waving goodbye, you're not particularly lucky at all.
There's usually a fishtank aswell, often under the front of the counter. I don't know why they tend to be under the front of the counter...Probably Feng Shui. It's like the fish have turned up to watch the cat prior to it's execution for crimes against mackerel...Like some sort of public gallery for animals on death row. They're just floating there with their big foam thumbs. [Mime fish mouth and upside down thumb].
I guess in a way that waving cat's kinda the Chinese version of the nodding dog. I'd like to imagine it's the face of a large Chinese insurance firm...Haaaaah yeeees...Chongchills maybe?
Little fact about China. Around 4000 Children in China are named 'Aoyun', meaning 'Olympic Games', as it's quite common in China, to name a child after an event at the time of their birth.
I just feel sorry for any girls born later this year when Pussyfest' visits Shanghai.
I visited a Little Chef recently, and as I walked through the door...I shit you not, working in the kitchen, I witnessed a dwarf in full chef attire!
Full chef attire I can only presume was purchased from Toys R Us.
After the initial giddiness I ordered my food, but it was taking quite a while to cook, so I decided to complain. I said, "look I ordered the Olympic Breakfast because I thought it was named in regards to it's size and granduer, not because you only manage to rustle one up every 4 years!"
The waitress apologised saying, "I'm sorry sir, we've had some members of our kitchen team not turn up".
To which I couldn't resist but reply, "Yeah I can see you're short staffed".
I've always viewed complaints as kinda like the heckles of the restaurant industry. When I worked as a waiter, I decided I was going to use the advice I'd been given to tackle hecklers, to deal with complaints. "Erm, waiter, I think this steak is out of date"..."I think it's your outfit that is out of date Maddam"...I haven't worked as a waiter since.
Little Chef famously got Heston Blumenthal in to help save them from going bust...Such a smug and arrogant man! I imagine his kids are irritating and horrible aswell!
"What sandwiches have you got today?"
"Ham and Pickle [scoffs] your Dad clearly doesn't have 3 Michelin stars...I've got pickled hobnobs and candle wax"
You know the sort of snotty kids I mean, the same sort you get on the Young Apprentice.
"Darren is only 14 years of age, and last year his self owned sales company turned over a gross profit of £100,000"
Oh f**k off Darren!
My biggest achievement when I was 14, was cracking a wank out left handed! Cause every guy has attempted to have a wank with their weaker hand, but only some of us have got what it takes to see the job through...Oh yeah! Young, lonely and ambidextrous!
I'd like to see proper kids on The Young Apprentice, I think it'd be more entertaining.
"Darren, you're fired"
...
[Kisses teeth] "Your mum's fired bruv"
I find I get wound up by things too easily, the other day I met someone who claimed they were a 'Pastafarian' and they worshipped the 'Flying Spaghetti Monster"...I've checked this our right, and it is recognised as a genuine religion, because they've managed to get enough people to join. That is f**king ridiculous.
If those are the rules, I'm starting my own religion. I'm gonna call it 'C**tism'. We're going to worship the prophet Piers Morgan...Who's in?
I was quite shocked by a sexist comment made by Sepp Blatter recently. Do we all know who Sepp Blatter is? Well for those who don't know, he's the president of FIFA, and very much the Boris Johnson of Football.
He said recently, in regards to women's football, "women should wear tighter shorts and low cut shirts...to create a more female aesthetic"...What next Sepp, shall we make the goalkeepers wear oven gloves? Let them hang their wet washing from the crossbar?
Any feedback welcome, looking to get a 5 minute alot sometime soon.