British Comedy Guide

Complaining

A TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

MAN: Hello, I'd like to complain.

WOMAN: Oh, about what?

MAN: I saw some appalling behavior on my television yesterday.

WOMAN: Really, what was the nature of the behavior?

MAN: It was actually a show about people complaining.

WOMAN: Sounds a bit depressing to me.

MAN: My thoughts exactly.

SILENCE

MAN:Hello?

WOMAN: Hi?

MAN: Well, what are you going to do about it?

WOMAN: I'm sorry, I can't help you.

MAN: Oh, why not?

WOMAN: Because I work in Dixons.

FX: DIAL TONE

MAN: Hello?

JOSH: Hello, this is Josh speaking, you're through to the BBC Complaints Department. How may I help you?

MAN: Hello?

JOSH: Yeah?

MAN: I wish to make a complaint.

JOSH: I bet you do.

MAN: Excuse me?

JOSH: Moan, moan, moan, moan, bloody moan.

MAN: Well I never.

JOSH: You're doing it now.

FX: DIAL TONE

MAN: Hello is this Ofcom?

SUSAN: No, it's Susan.

MAN: Can I speak to Ofcom?

SUSAN: Well I work for Ofcom, how may I help?

MAN: I'd like to make a complaint.

SUSAN: Well I do the best I can.

MAN: I'm not complaining about you.

SUSAN: Oh sorry.

MAN: I'd like to complain about the complaints department at the BBC.

SUSAN: Okay, your complaint has been recorded.

MAN: But I haven't told you the details.

SILENCE

MAN: Hello? Hello?

FX: DIAL TONE

MAN: Hello?

GOD: God here.

MAN: I'd like to complain.

GOD: You what?

MAN: You heard me beardy!

GOD: I beg your pardon?

MAN: You begging me, that makes a nice change.

GOD: Sorry, who is this?

MAN: I am MAN.

GOD: Oh yes, I remember you. Jumped up little shaven monkeys. Always complaining about something. Well I can tell you what you can do with your complaint, you can shove it up your arse!

FX: DIAL TONE

MAN: Hello?

GODS MUM: Hello?

MAN: Is this Gods Mum?

GODS MUM: It sure is, how can I help you?

MAN: I'd like to complain about a BBC Program, Dixons, The BBC's Complaints Department, Ofcom and your son.

GODS MUM: Why, what's he done now?

MAN: He told me to shove my complaint up my arse.

GODS MUM: He did what?! (To God) God, get in here this instant.

GOD: Aw, but Mum.

GODS MUM: Now!

GOD: What?

GODS MUM: Are you going to apologize to MAN for telling him to shove his complaint up his arse?

GOD: Do I have tooo?

GODS MUM: Yes, or no Christians for your tea!

GOD: I'm sorry MAN.

MAN: That's okay lad, I forgive you.

GODS MUM: There's a good boy, now go and play.

GOD: Yay!

GODS MUM: Is there anything else I can help you with?

MAN: You don't think you can tell me off can you?

FX: DIAL TONE

DEREK: Hello?

STEVE: Hello my name is Steve and you are through to the BBC Complaints Department, how may I help you?

DEREK: I've just heard this rather blasphemous so called, comedy sketch on the radio.

FX: DIAL TONE

END

Yes - some funny bits - but it was slightly long!

Thanks David. Yes it is quite long, I got interrupted half way through and forgot my initial idea, so it does ramble a bit.

But if it ever got produced for a sketch show, maybe it could be broken up?

Like interspersed through our sketch show that you're putting together.

Yeah, maybe :P

Quote: Leevil @ August 5, 2007, 12:15 AM

Yes it is quite long, I got interrupted half way through and forgot my initial idea

Now thats a sketch! In fact thats an entire sketch show.

I like it, the pace iss find in my humble opinion.

Liked it, not overlong if presented in separate bits, particularly liked the God/God's Mum part which I thought had lots of potential to exploit further (perhaps with a wholly 'Goddy' family!)

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