SILENCE IS DEADLY Sitcom-Opinions needed

This is my first fully scripted sitcom it is 45 pages long and if anyone is interested after reading this I am very willing to send further pages. The show iis about DEREK PATTERSON a stand up comedian who's funny on stage and yet when off stage he is forever putting his foot in it and finding himself in extremely aawkward situations (all situations based on real life events that have happened to me or someone I know)

My name is Paul Brown and I am an aspiring Stand Up Comedian. The show opens with Derek performing a Stand Up Routine and that is the Routine I used on my Stand Up Debut at the Beat the Frog Frog & Bucket in Manchester which I won!

Thanks for reading. Enjoy.

SILENCE IS DEADLY - EPISODE ONE: 'FUNERAL'
01. EXT. FROG & BUCKET COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

Establishing shot of Frog & Bucket Comedy Club.

CUT TO.

02. INT. FROG & BUCKET: THE STAGE. NIGHT

The Compere: DAN WILLIAMS is standing by the microphone.

DAN
And now ladies and gentlemen here we go. The main event! A personal friend of mine! He truly is a funny man. Ladies and Gentlemen please welcome to the stage: Derek Patterson!

Upbeat music begins to play as DEREK makes his way onto the stage.

Applause.

The stage is lit up.

DEREK is standing by the microphone looking out at the large audience in front of him.

DEREK
All right?
(PAUSE)

A few members of the audience laugh.

DEREK (CONT.)
My name's Derek Patterson and for the next few minutes I'm going to do what I do best... Moan!
(PAUSE)

The audience laugh.

DEREK (CONT.)
How many of you thought for a moment there I was being a right cocky bastard and I was going to say: Make people laugh!
(SHAKES HEAD)
Oh No! Truth be told I hate people laughing at me!
(PAUSE)

A few members of the audience laugh.

DEREK (CONT.)
All my life people have laughed at me and called me names! I remember when it
all started: "Oi Big Head!" "F**k off home E.T!"
(PAUSE)

The audience laugh.

DEREK (CONT.)
And that was just my mum after she'd given birth to me!
(PAUSE)

The audience laugh and give DEREK a round of applause.

DEREK remains straight faced.

From the side of the stage DAN laughs along with the audience.

DEREK (CONT.)
That is the main reason I hate people - There are many reasons but that's the main one...
(PAUSE)

The audience laugh.

DEREK (CONT.)
I'm more of an animal person myself...
(SHRUGS)
And that's only because they're easier to drown!
(PAUSE)

Mixed reaction from audience - mostly laughter.

DEREK (CONT.)
Honestly right this whole bullshit Dog is a Man's Best Friend Business...
(SHAKES HEAD)
Not true! Ok? Not even my worst f**king enemy would stare at me whilst taking a
shit on my carpet!
(PAUSE)

The audience laugh.

DEREK (CONT.)
But if there's one thing out there that makes me despise the human race even more than I did before... It's Facebook!
(PAUSE)

A few members of the audience laugh.

DEREK (CONT.)
Facebook reminds me of prison! For three reasons: Number one: All you do is sit
around all day staring at walls! Reason two: You write shite on walls! And third: You get poked by random guys you hardly know!
(PAUSE)

The audience laugh and give DEREK a round of applause.

DEREK (CONT.)
Social Networks just mess everything up! Everyone seems to have forgotten how to spell properly thanks to Facebook. WTF, LOL, OMG, LMAO, ROFL... There are bloody thousands. The other day I sent someone a joke and they replied back with LOLz!! What the bloody hell does the Z stand for? Laugh Out Loud... Zebras?
(PAUSE)

The audience laugh.

DEREK (CONT.)
I'm not the only one it's confusing either! My brother finds it just as bad! The other day for example he sent me a text message and it read: "Hey just got a text off my missus. I asked her if she was home for tea or not? And she replied with OMG IDK SUL What does it mean?"
(SIGHS)
So I checked it out and after learning the meaning I text it to my brother saying: "Oh My God I Don't Know See You Later!" and after about 5 minutes he text back with "Ok never mind I'll ask your sister!"
(PAUSE)

The audience laugh and give DEREK a round of applause.

DEREK looks to DAN and then focuses back on the audience.

DEREK (CONT.)
(SMILES)
Ladies and Gentlemen thank you so much for listening I've been Derek Patterson, you've been a fantastic audience... Good night!

The audience give DEREK a round of applause.

Some people whistle.

DEREK smiles as he makes his way off stage.

He shakes hands with DAN and exits the stage.

DAN takes the microphone.

DAN
Derek Patterson ladies and gentlemen! Wasn't he brilliant?

The audience continue to applaud DEREK.

CUT TO.

OPENING CREDITS

CUT TO.

03. EXT. DEREK'S HOUSE. NIGHT

Establishing shot of Derek's House.

CUT TO.

04. INT. DEREK'S HOUSE. NIGHT

Living room is large.

The wallpaper is a crisp brown. The room looks warm and cosy.

There is a 3 seat sofa based in centre of the room and a large arm chair in the left hand corner.

A TV is mounted on the wall.

DEREK (drunk) enters the house only to be greeted by ALMA PATTERSON sat on the sofa, crying.

DEREK
Hiya love!

ALMA
(CRIES)
Der - Derek... I've just had some really bad news.

DEREK
(IGNORES)
My gig went great! Honestly it couldn't have gone any better.

ALMA
(CONFUSED)
Didn't you hear me? I said I've had some really bad news.

DEREK
(IGNORES)
I told the joke about Facebook being like a prison. That went down really well!

ALMA
(CRIES)
My mum's had a heart attack!

DEREK still ignores ALMA as she weeps.

DEREK sits beside her.

DEREK
(SLURS)
I went out for a few jars with Dan. I hope you don't mind. I just thought to myself you'll be fine on your own. You didn't mind did you love? That's not why you're upset is it?

ALMA
(GROANS)
Derek! I just told you why I'm upset... My mum's had a heart attack!

DEREK
I fancy a kebab.
(PAUSE)

ALMA groans,

She stands and storms out of the room.

She slams the door shut loudly.

DEREK (CONT.)
(SHOUTS)
Could you get me the bowl please? I think I'm gunna be--
(VOMITS)
Never mind!

CUT TO.

love it

Thanks

Here are a few more scenes. Warning very strong language within...

Enjoy

05. EXT. MANCHESTER ROYAL HOSPITAL. DAY

Establishing shot of Manchester Royal Hospital.

CUT TO.

06. INT. MANCHESTER ROYAL HOSPITAL, RESUS. DAY

The room is large.

In the 3rd cubicle, with the curtain drawn ELIZABETH SMITH is lying in bed, a life support machine beeping continuously beside her.

HARVEY SMITH is holding her hand, a tear rolls down his left cheek.

From the door DEREK and ALMA rush in.

ALMA rushes into HARVEY's arms.

ALMA
(SIGHS)
How is she?

ALMA pulls away from HARVEY and looks at ELIZABETH

ALMA begins to cry.

HARVEY sits back down.

HARVEY
She's stabilized but the Doctor's say she's still a long way from recovery...
(CRIES)
She was fine yesterday! It came from nowhere! I don't know what I'd do with out her!

DEREK farts loudly.

DEREK
(EMBARASSED)
Sorry about that.

HARVEY
(SHOCKED/DISGUSTED)
Did you really just fart in the middle of my grieving? Do you have any idea how disrespectful that is?

DEREK
Natural ain't it? Can't help it!

ALMA
(SADLY)
Better out than in as mum used to say.
(CRIES)

DEREK sighs sadly.

He grabs ALMA and hugs her while she weeps.

DEREK
It's ok. Everything's going to be ok!

DEREK farts once again.

HARVEY
(ANNOYED)
Oh for F**k Sake!

DEREK
I'm sorry. It's the after effects of the alcohol!

ALMA
You missed the vomiting!

HARVEY
(SHOCKED)
You mean you were celebrating?

DEREK
Yeah. Wouldn't you be?
(PAUSE)

HARVEY looks shocked.

DEREK farts again.

DEREK (CONT.)
I'm going to have to go and find a toilet... I'm so sorry!
(PAUSE)

DEREK exits the Resus Room.

CUT TO.

07. INT. MANCHESTER ROYAL HOSPITAL, HALLS. DAY

DEREK makes his way up the long corridor.

A doctor passes him.

DEREK farts again.

The Doctor turns and looks at DEREK disgusted.

A nurse comes out of a nearby room.

DEREK rushes over to her.

DEREK (CONT.)
Please... You gotta help me! Where are your toilets?

NURSE
Follow me.
(PAUSE)

DEREK follows the nurse.

The nurse stops at the Gent's toilets.

NURSE (CONT.)
Here we are!

DEREK
Oh thank god. Thank you very much.
(PAUSE)

DEREK rushes into the toilets.

CUT TO.

08. INT. MANCHESTER ROYAL HOSPITAL, TOILETS. DAY

DEREK enters the toilets only to find all of the 6 cubicles occupied.

DEREK (CONT.)
Oh Shit!
(GROANS)
Come on... Please hurry up?
(PAUSE)

DEREK places his arm out and rests his hand against the wall, inadvertently placing his hand into a shit stain on the wall.

DEREK (CONT.)
(DISGUSTED)
Oh My God!

DEREK races to the sink and washes his hands.

He looks in the mirror and spots the Disabled toilets, empty.

He looks around the room to check nobody is watching and then rushes into the Disabled cubicle.

CUT TO.

DEREK pulls down his pants and sighs as he finally relieves himself.

Suddenly from the next cubicle:

MALE (O.S)
All right mate?

DEREK looks around the cubicle confused.

DEREK
(SHRUGS)
Yeah not bad thanks.

MALE (O.S)
What you doing?

DEREK
(CONSTIPATED)
Not much. Just having a shit...

MALE (O.S)
(GROANS)
Can I ring you back mate. I got some c**t in the next cubicle joining in on the conversation!

DEREK coughs, awkwardly.

DEREK stands wipes his arse, flushes and then prepares to exit the toilets.

The toilet can be heard flushing in the cubicle beside him.

DEREK waits until the man has exited and then opens the cubicle door only to come face to face with a man in a wheelchair.

DEREK
(SMILES)
Y'all right...

TIMMY
(FROWNS)
What were you doing in there?

DEREK
What?
(SHRUGS)
I'm deaf!

TIMMY looks shocked and confused.

DEREK exits the toilets.

TIMMY
Didn't even wash his f**king hands!

CUT TO.

The stand up routine was well written and entertaining, also the idea of a sitcom built around a stand up is a good idea with tons of potential... afraid I haven't got anything positive to say about the rest of it though.

Thanks for taking the time to read it

Here's another short entry of the script. This will be the last that I post on here. If you are interested in hearing more let me know and I will send you a PM with the whole script.

Enjoy

09. INT. DEREK'S HOUSE, BEDROOM. NIGHT

DEREK is lying on the left side of the bed asleep.

ALMA is lying on the right side of the bed. She is sat up crying. She sobs loudly.

DEREK sniffs but continues to sleep.

ALMA sobs again.

DEREK sits up and turns to her.

DEREK
Could you keep it down maybe?

ALMA
What!?

DEREK
It's just... I'm trying to sleep and you are Really Loud!

ALMA
Oh well I am so sorry but in case you have forgotten my mother is lay up in hospital after a heart attack!
(ANNOYED)
So excuse me if my Sobbing is keeping you awake!

DEREK
(SIGHS)
Look I know you're hurting inside but trust me ok. Your mother will be fine... I promise. Now come on! Get some sleep.
(PAUSE)

DEREK sighs turns on his side and goes back to sleep.

ALMA remains sitting up.

DEREK is just dropping off when suddenly the phone beside him begins to ring.

DEREK sits up, beginning to get annoyed.

DEREK (CONT.)
For F**k Sake!
(ANSWERS PHONE)
Hello?

DEREK sighs and hands ALMA the phone. He says nothing.

ALMA gulps nervously and places her ear to the receiver.

ALMA
Hello? Yes this is Alma Patterson...
(PAUSE)

DEREK lies back down and once again tries to get to sleep.

ALMA (CONT.)
(CRIES)
She's dead. Oh My-Oh My God! Yes. Thank you... Good-Good bye.
(PAUSE)

ALMA hangs up the phone and begins to sob uncontrollably.

ALMA (CONT.)
That was the hospital...

DEREK
(MUMBLES/HALF ASLEEP)
Oh aye.

ALMA
My mum's dead Derek!
(CRIES)
I can't believe it. She's gone... She's dead! She's actually dead. She's gone! She's-

DEREK
All right I heard you the first time! Christ!
(PAUSE)

DEREK storms out of the room.

DEREK (CONT.)
(MOANING TO SELF)
One good night's sleep. That's all I ask for! Ringing up at 11:00 at night! Bloody worlds gone mad! Inconsiderate Ass Holes!

ALMA continues to sob hysterically.

CUT TO.

10. EXT. MOLLY'S CAFÉ. DAY

Establishing shot of Molly's Café.

CUT TO.

11. INT. MOLLY'S CAFÉ. DAY

The café is small. The sign on the door reads: 'Welcome Everyone'

MOLLY JONES is standing behind a large counter.

There is a large menu hanging above her. MOLLY grabs two cups of steaming hot tea and takes them over to the table where DEREK and DAN are seated.

DEREK is reading a paper.

MOLLY places the cups of tea down.

DEREK
(SMILES)
Thanks Mol.
(PAUSE)

DEREK drops the paper and grabs his tea.

DAN takes the paper.

MOLLY smiles and walks back to the counter.

DEREK (CONT.)
Yeah and I'm not going to lie to you... That sofa is really uncomfortable! I think I must have slept funny. My neck is really killing me!

DAN
(STILL READING PAPER)
You gotta let her grieve man.

DEREK
(SIGHS)
I know. It's just so horrible to see her so depressed!
(PAUSE)

DAN folds the paper and puts it in his bag under the chair and then grabs his cup of tea.

DEREK looks at DAN in shock.

DEREK (CONT.)
What the hell are you doing?

DAN
(CONFUSED)
What?

DEREK
Give me my paper back!

DAN
(SHAKES HEAD)
It's not your paper.

DEREK
It is too! I brought it in here.

DAN
Yeah and I was the last one to read it meaning I get first dibs on taking it home!

DEREK
(FROWNS)
How the f**k does that work? It's my paper I paid for it meaning it's MY paper!

DAN
(LAUGHS)
You did not buy it! It's the metro it's a free paper for Christ sake!

DEREK
That's not the point! The point is I took the trouble of taking it off the bus and bringing it into here so by all technicality it is MY paper so give it to me please?

DAN
Technicality my arse. It's in my bag now and should you go in there I will call the police!

DEREK
Give me my paper!

Suddenly from across the café:

COLIN
(SHOUTS)
Hey Guys!
(PAUSE)

DEREK and DAN both look at the same time to see COLIN MOSS heading towards them.

COLIN stops at the table and grabs DAN. He hugs him.

DEREK looks uncomfortable.

COLIN (CONT.)
Dan the Man. How's it going?

DAN
(NODS)
Pretty good.

COLIN release DAN and turns to DEREK.

He goes in for a hug.

DEREK pulls himself back and instead holds out his hand.

DEREK
Hey Colin...

DAN
(SMIRKS)
Come on now Derek. Colin wants a hug! Surely you don't leave your friend's Hanging.

DEREK groans as COLIN wraps his arms around him and hugs him.

DEREK struggles to breathe.

COLIN locks his hands. DEREK is crushed.

DEREK
Jesus Christ!

COLIN releases his grip.

COLIN
It's good to see you both.
(SMILES)
So... Derek? What you up to these days?

DEREK
(SHRUGS)
This and that. I'm actually a Stand Up Comedian!

COLIN
F**k off!
(PAUSE)

DEREK looks shocked.

COLIN (CONT.)
You were always so bottled up in school. Honestly the only thing I thought you'd be famous for was for killing some body!
(LAUGHS)

DAN laughs as well.

DEREK
(MUMBLES)
There's time yet...
(PAUSE)

DEREK's mobile begins to ring.

DEREK removes his mobile, answers it and leaves the table.

DEREK (CONT.)
Hey babe. How are you doing?

ALMA (O.S)
Derek. I'm just at my dad's sorting the funeral arrangements and I need you to do me a job.

DEREK
Ok. What is it?

ALMA (O.S)
Are you near a shopping mall at all?

DEREK
Well we are about 10 minutes away from the city centre. Why?

ALMA (O.S)
Great. Will you go to HMV and see if they sell The Wizard of Oz Soundtrack?

DEREK
The Wizard of Oz Soundtrack? Why?

ALMA (O.S)
Well my mum's favourite film was Wizard of Oz. And her favourite song was Somewhere Over The Rainbow and I thought it would be nice to play that for when she's being cremated.

DEREK
Aw. That's a lovely idea. Yeah I'll go to HMV after I've finished my breakfast.

ALMA (O.S)
Oh are you at Molly's? Tell her she's invited to the funeral! And also that she can bring a plus one!

DEREK
Bloody hell Alma! It's a funeral not a Party!

ALMA (O.S)
Just do it. Ok?

DEREK
Ok. Bye.

ALMA (O.S)
See you tonight. Love you.

DEREK rings off.

He turns and groans at the sight of COLIN still standing at the table talking to DAN.

DEREK slowly makes his way back over.

DEREK
Colin. Thank God you're still here.

COLIN
Oh hey man. I was just about to shoot off.

DEREK
Oh really. That's too bad. We'll have to catch up again sometime.

COLIN
Definitely! Hey before I go... Tell us a joke!

DEREK
(GROANS)
Ok. Let me ask you this Colin. What do you do?

COLIN
Um... I'm a butcher!

DEREK
Oh really. Wow that's amazing. The only meat I thought you'd be handling was Big John's! Are you still friends with him? And, hey you're a butcher? Wow give me some free meat!
(PAUSE)

COLIN looks shocked by DEREK's outburst.

COLIN removes the metro newspaper from his coat, bangs it hard on the table and then leaves.

DAN bursts into laughter.

DEREK groans and sits back down.

DEREK (CONT.)
Man I hate that guy!

DAN continues to laugh.

DEREK grabs the metro newspaper.

DAN
Oh good. So you got your own!

DEREK
(SHAKES HEAD)
No this can be yours I want my paper back!

DAN
Man are you f**king serious? Just keep that paper!

DEREK
Give me my paper back!

DAN
No!

DEREK
Give it back!

DAN and DEREK continue to squabble.

CUT TO.

11. EXT. MANCHESTER CITY CENTRE. DAY

Piccadilly Gardens.

Water Fountains are sprinkling through the air. Small children race through the fountains giggling gleefully as they get wet.

A large field surrounds the remaining area. Groups of people are either lounging on the ground or sat on the benches based all around the centre.

DEREK is parallel parking into a tight spot.

He finally parks and climbs out of the car.

Further ahead a car pulls into a disabled parking spot.

A perfectly healthy male steps out of the car.

DEREK frowns and approaches him.

DEREK
Um... Excuse me?

MIKE
Yeah?

DEREK
You know this is a disabled parking spot right?

MIKE
Um... Yeah. I do!

DEREK
Well you don't look disabled to me!

MIKE
Sorry are you a Traffic Warden or something?

DEREK
Um... No I'm not a Traffic Warden just like you are not disabled!

MIKE
Then it's none of your f**king business. If you must know I'm actually here to pick someone up!
(NODS)
And yes he is disabled!

DEREK
(SUSPICIOUS)
Oh really... Well maybe I'll stick around to meet him!

MIKE frowns and watches DEREK.

DEREK smirks and folds his arms. He looks smug.

From behind DEREK the wheel chaired male from earlier appears.

TIMMY
Hey buddy!

MIKE smiles at TIMMY and hugs him.

DEREK turns and looks nervous.

DEREK
(QUICKLY)
Ok. Point proven gotta go. See ya!

TIMMY
Hey wait a minute! Don't I know you from somewhere?

DEREK
What?

TIMMY
(NODS)
Oh yeah. You're the guy who left the floater in the Disabled toilets! That's you right?

MIKE turns to DEREK.

MIKE looks shocked.

DEREK
Um... I'm very sorry I can't hear you. Could you speak up please?
(SIGNALS EARS)
Deaf!

TIMMY and MIKE stare at DEREK angrily.

DEREK turns and quickly walks away.

CUT TO.

The second scene with the disabled bathroom reminded me of how they tackled it in Curb Your Enthusiasm. Worth watching.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgedBRXw7fY

Brilliant show. Probably my favourite American Sitcom and I will admit it was my inspiration for SILENCE IS DEADLY.