Hi everyone, just stumbled upon this forum and have been enjoying reading the sitcom/stand-up attempts of others, especially given that I've tried writing both. I recently submitted the below for a Shortlist sitcom writing competition, but put it together so quickly before the deadline that I never really ran it past anyone to gauge whether any of it's any good. If anyone can spare the time to give me a little feedback/a brutal critique it would be hugely appreciated - this is just the first ten pages as suggested by the forum rules.
Thanks
S
Pitch
Councilling is a sitcom based on the transition from student life to the grind of a 9-5. It reflects one young man's desire to keep living with an unpredictable group of idiots while coming to terms with the distressing greyness of working at an outer London Borough Council.
The lead, Sam, his three house (and Team) mates, Charlie, Nik and Russell and two main work colleagues, Liza and Georgie, make up the primary cast. All are around 23 years old with the exception of Liza at around 26.
The first episode starts directly after Sam's graduation with a job interview for a local government Graduate scheme. We see Sam fluke the interview, and throw himself head first into the public sector's most thankless line of work, as a council officer.
Councilling
Sept 2012
EPISODE 1
1. INT. BEDROOM. DAY - D1
*Cold start - The bedroom is a complete mess, plates on every surface and clothes littering the floor - empty pizza boxes etc...pyramid of cans in the corner*
* It's 8am, an alarm goes off and something seems to scurry across the floor at the noise SAM, from the bed, groans*
SAM (23)
Oh COCK...
*Sounds of the radio can be heard through the door as SAM drags himself up, looks in the mirror and recoils at his hangover - SAM covers his eyes and the screen goes black before opening them as we cut to the mirror again where he is now fully dressed trying to adjust the tie of a suit - SAM takes toothpaste on a finger smears it vaguely in his mouth and spits - wiping some of the splattered remnants off his suit jacket, SAM leaves the room, toppling the pyramid of cans as the door slams shuts*
2. INT. KITCHEN/LOUNGE DAY - D1
*SAM enters and CHARLIE walks over and nudges him*
CHARLIE (23)
Morning happy camper, good to see you looking your best on the big interview day, eh?
SAM
Mate, I think I can actually feel my liver surrendering. It's like last night it was pissed, having the time of its life just kicking back, swimming around, enjoying the beer, and this morning...this morning it's been found face down in a pool, dead, drowned, renalised.
CHARLIE
Okay, so none of that's a thing Sam, renal stuff is kidney, not liver, which in fairness is what you're actually holding, and it's especially not a thing for a 23 year old that throws up every other time he drinks.
SAM
Ugh, I should have played that game last night and had a nice little tactical.
CHARLIE
Yeah, sure that would have helped you make a much better impression, blood vessels burst *CHARLIE gestures to his cheeks and around his eyes* from the straining, attractive smell of bile... massive stomach...moonface...small p..
SAM
Piss off
CHARLIE
Knew it
SAM
Kettle please.
*CHARLIE goes to fill up the kettle as NIK enters just in his boxers and quickly deposits a large scrunched tissue in the bin without SAM or CHARLIE noticing*
NIK
Morning benders - big day big man?
SAM
Not at the moment
NIK (23)
Which one is this again? MI5 or the Council thing? Are you going to get this one or balls it like all the ones you actually wanted to do?
SAM
Have you ever considered working with terminally ill children Nik? Speeding up the process and all that.
NIK
We're actually in the business of saving lives
*Turns to CHARLIE*
Isn't that right C Dawg.
*Sam also turns to CHARLIE who finishes downing a pint of milk, inadequately wipes his face and slightly groggily replies*
CHARLIE
It's been known to happen.
SAM
Yeah it's the Local Government one.
CHARLIE
Which is the Council one, where you will be working in a Council as a Council officer?
*SAM launches into a tired spiel*
SAM
It's a national graduate development programme in which through a number of placements in local government I can improve my core competencies and develop as a professional...Christ this sounds like a punishment doesn't it? My number one aim for today is to make my next two years...that.
(Silence)
*Looking slightly downbeat, NIK replies*
NIK
Better than sitting around all day wanking like you do now
(Pause)
No. No I know it isn't, in fact you'll probably miss that. But, in fairness mate, money - it's a few years before we're getting paid anything
CHARLIE
At which point we will crush you financially.
SAM
Cheers for the pep talk lads *Sam stands up and walks towards the door* traglash later? I'll either have killed it or actually died so it's only appropriate.
CHARLIE
The Court?
NIK
Court. I'm only going in until 3 but it's the first day of my new placement and I'm fairly sure I'll need a drink.
SAM
Court, full Team involvement required.
CHARLIE
I'll give Russ a shout if he's not up by 3...Good luck son.
SAM
Laters
*Title Credits: SAM journeys to an outer London Borough with a short montage showing him battling against hundreds of commuters on the tube before splitting off and being the only person commuting against the grain - then two brief shots of him on an empty bus and an empty national rail train before fixing on a shot of the civic centre tower as Sam, dressed in a good navy suit walks towards it - hundreds of staff, all dressed in grey, are walking in a queue formation into the entrances as he stands a distance away looking up*
3. INT. COUNCIL. DAY - D1
*Seven candidates excluding SAM are sitting in a small office making tentative small talk - SAM enters quietly, winces and takes a seat at the end of the table - the nearest girl, cute rather than sexy, fairly busty turns to him as he sits*
SAM
Interviews, right?
GEORGIE (Early 20s)
Yeah, nice to meet you, I'm Georgie
SAM
Sam, nice to meet you - so there are quite a few people here Georgie.
GEORGIE
Eight by my count
SAM
Basic, but in fairness solid maths, I'll give you eight - didn't they say in the guidance, and in the phone interview and then at the assessment day itself that once we got to this stage we were pretty much guaranteed a job?
GEORGIE
They did Sam. They did. And I see what you're saying; eight into two is one quarter of a job each.
SAM
More solid mathematics, I'm starting to see how you got this far.
GEORGIE
Well you know, brains, boobs too.
SAM
Boobs too. Two boobs.
GEORGIE
See, it's all down to numbers, now stop looking.
SAM
Do you think they're giving out quarter jobs then? I reckon I could just about stomach this place for ten hours a week.
GEORGIE
Hey, just because I'm talking to you and your disinterest doesn't mean I'm not interested in working here! And full time! Don't you tar me with that brush Mister.
SAM
King.
GEORGIE
A rather high opinion of yourself - I think mister is quite formal enough for the occasion Sam.
*SAM looks confused for a second and shakes his head slightly*
SAM
I'm Sam King, Mr... King, sorry I thought you were asking but I see now that you were just chastising me Miss...
GEORGIE
Ha, as if I'm giving you my second name, I don't need you hunched over your laptop tonight, trawling through Facebook, desperately searching for me. I'm not sure about you Sam; you strike me as something of a handful. For all I know you could be a terrible pervert.
SAM
A solid judge of character, I'm liking you more by the minute.
*A door at the other end of the room to the entrance opens and in steps the interviewing panel led by the Council's SCHEME COORDINATOR, a tall middle aged woman wearing colour, with two grey drones flanking her*
SCHEME COORDINATOR (44)
Morning all, thanks for coming today, housekeeping first...
*GEORGIE whispers over the speaking coordinator*
GEORGIE
Good luck Mr King, see you on the other side.
SCHEME COORDINATOR
...but we're not expecting a drill. So if you hear the alarm going, it's every candidate for themselves - we can't hire you if you're burnt alive, not least because it would communicate a certain lack of initiative which is an important quality in Council staff!
*Stony silence in the room*
Anyway, so the morning session will largely be information based, details about the Council, helping you to fill in the gaps and get a feel for the culture of the organisation, and in the afternoon we'll be running speed date style interviews with a number of senior managers, former graduates from the scheme and the Chief Exec.
*Under his breath*
SAM
Oh joy...
SCHEME COORDINATOR
So the first thing I would like to give you is our Industrial Estates strategy...
*SAM winces again as the scene ends*
4. EXT. TEAM HOUSE. DAY - D1
*NIK shouting*
NIK
Russell you lazy bastard, get out of bed, it's 4pm
Cuts to INT. KITCHEN
*RUSSELL, steps out of his bedroom and into the Kitchen, laptop under arm*
RUSSELL (23)
Already out son, good afternoon how you doing?
NIK
Why are you not up?
RUSSELL
I evidently am.
NIK
But shouldn't you already be poker...fishing? Fishing on poker? Owning fish on websites? I do listen to you I swear, but I'm more concerned about your ability to pay the rent than accuracy.
RUSSELL
It's all under control mate; I had a big day yesterday.
NIK
You didn't get up yesterday as far as I know.
RUSSELL
Well between about 3am and 6am? Would you call that yesterday? Time is relative, chill out, I'll pay the rent this month, I practically promise.
NIK
Fine
RUSSELL
So, how was your day?
NIK
(Drawn out) Mate, seriously odd.
RUSSELL
Pray tell.
NIK
So I started my new placement in Gyne.
RUSSELL
That's...
*RUSSELL gestures and NIK nods*
Love it.
NIK
And we... Okay tell me if you think this is weird... We have to know how to examine a...
RUSSELL
Vag?
NIK
A vagina, yes. So... to learn you have to practice on a woman.
RUSSELL
I am both following you so far and seeing how you might have an experiential disadvantage in that area.
NIK
And you can't just do it on someone coming in to be examined because, usually at that stage they have some specific health worry, like that they might have cancer or...
RUSSELL
Smear fear?
NIK
Smear fear, exactly, so instead we get taught and practice on...
*RUSSELL holds his finger up to NIK'S face to silence him and takes a second to compose himself*
RUSSELL
Nik, did you finger your teacher today?
NIK
Two, mate
RUSSELL
Fingers or teachers?
NIK
Both. Well, four fingers worth if you will.
RUSSELL
Shiiit, maybe it would be worth getting out of bed in the morning if that was my job.
NIK
I know right. Okay, so, context delivered, do you think this is weird. I woke up today and knew that I would be touching the second and third vaginas of my life.
RUSSELL
Including your cousin?
NIK
Sod off. So look, you wake up with that knowledge and it scares you, right?
RUSSELL
Yeah absolutely, if I were 23 and woke up contemplating my second and third sets of genitals ever, I'd be scared that my life had been a tad uneventful...
NIK
Okay, so, your bellendery aside... is it weird to have had a pre-emptive wank, make sure the old fella stays out of quite an awkward scene?
*A shout comes muffled through the door*
CHARLIE
Yes it's f**king weird.
RUSSELL
No no, no, it's a must, you nailed it. If you'd come to me yesterday and told me this was going to happen, after ripping on you I'd have advised the exact same thing.
NIK
See I think if you'd advised me to knock one out I might have thought twice. You saying it isn't weird actually makes it feel slightly weirder to me...
*CHARLIE enters the room*
RUSSELL
And what is that supposed to mean?
CHARLIE
Russell, you make your money sitting in your bed, porn on one monitor and destroying amateur poker players and their life savings on the other. Your girlfriend is bat shit, you dicked all over your degree, I would question pretty much any piece of advice you gave me.
RUSSELL
But would you have a leg to stand on if you were a cousin f**ker?
NIK
Tou-f**king-ché.
End of 4
If you made it to the end, you are my hero.
Feedback encouraged!