Urban Bohemia part one of new episode. Feedback?

Hi all, it's been a while. This is part one of the FIRST DRAFT of a new episode of my sitcom. True - it waffles on a bit, the plot may not be cut to quickly enough yet and some characters may not be be defined enough yet. Please give me any feedback or advice, tell me the bits that are funny, the bits that you don't think work and what I should do (Please - no "Put it in the bin" kind of comments - I respect the members here and ask for constructive criticism.) Thanks so much - I hpe that there's something to enjoy.

Urban Bohemia

Episode Two

(Morning at the Zanii pad. Lucy is up and making coffee is Mel staggers in.)

Mel: Hey.

Lucy: Good morning. You've got up early!

Mel: What time is it?

Lucy: Eight thirty.

Mel: That is totes not cool. It's practically the middle of the night!

Lucy: Well I'm proud of you.

Mel: Where's Xander?

Lucy: He must have got up early too. It's about time everyone started to act like they were in a workplace.

(Xander swoops in followed by Jac, who is reading from a list.)

Xander: So who have we got?

Jac: Ashley Greene, Ashley Benson, Emma Watson, Amanda Seyfried, Lucy Hale, Jennifer Lawrence...

Mel: Oh, he's up alright.

Lucy: What is this for?

Xander: I'm campaigning to direct the "Fifty Shades of Grey" film.

Mel: What?

Lucy: You?

Xander: I've lined up interviews with some of hottest young actresses currently working. It's going
to be a very private, very tasteful audition process.

Lucy: Of course it is.

Xander: If I can attach one of them to me then I'll be in!

Lucy: You hope.

Mel: Why haven't you asked me? I am like, totes jelly!

Xander: And I want Lana Del Rey...

Jac: We know... we saw you at the Grammy Awards...

Mel: It was embarrassing.

Xander: I want her for the music video!

Jac: Xander, she clearly wasn't interested.

Xander: But why? I know she's a lot younger than me, but don't they always say that I'm young for my age.

Lucy: They say that you're immature for your age.

Xander: Exactly! Maybe it's just a matter of timing...

Mel: Yeah- like she doesn't have time for you.

Xander: How can you be so insensitive to me? You could help me, she likes you -
you can tell her how good I am to you!

Mel: Like how you're, like, totally asking for my help to cheat on me right now?
Xander: You cheated on me with... him... her... that!

Mel: Jac is... that's name.

Jac: Oh, je suis tres desolee.

Xander: I mean, I know I never went mainstream, but I could have had those roles. I could've been a Richard Gere or a George Clooney... I've got the talent...

Jac: You've definitely got the talent...

Xander: I've got the work ethic...

Mel: You work like a Trojan, Xander.

Xander: I've got the looks...

(Mel and Jac are silent.)

Xander: Well thank you very bloody much for your support!

(Vilma enters.)

Vilma: Morning, all.

Others: Morning, Vilma

Xander: What kept you out all night?

Vilma: I was home - I just needed to go out and get something greasy to eat.

Xander: Right.

Vilma: Why do they call it 'fast food', really? Why don't they call it 'food whenever we can be arsed to get it to you'? One greasy youth writes down my order, another reads it, looks bewildered
and walks away...

Xander: They probably whipped him off to Kumon to learn to read.

Vilma: I'm so frustrated!

Jac: That's what I've always thought.

Vilma: What are you all doing?

Lucy: Xander is arranging private meetings with gorgeous actresses in their twenties.

Vilma: What?

Xander: I'm casting... for Anastasia Steele.

Vilma: Who?

Xander: Anastasia Steele... in "Fifty Shades"! Where have you been?

Vilma: Oh, that is the limit. This is just our marriage all over...

Xander: Well our marriage is all over, mercifully...

Vilma: Short lived - just like the sex.

Xander: Well - I had to push you off so I could breathe!

Vilma: You disgust me!

Xander: Look who's talking!

Vilma: What do you mean... I have a high moral character.

Lucy: You slept with my fiancee.

Vilma: I was being helpful. I am having no part in your pathetic little scheme, Xander!

Xander: What if I could get get Channing Tatum as Christian Grey?

Vilma: Alright, I'm in!

Mel: Ooh... Channing Tatum!

Vilma: Back off, he's mine!

(Vilma punches Mel in the breast.)

Mel: Owowoow!

Vilma: Oh get over it!

Mel: (Sitting on the sofa) It's my old nipple injury.

Lucy: What?

Xander: It was a photo shoot for Ralph... she was in a thong and a couple of bits of electrical tape.

Vilma: Oh - you got that issue did you?

Xander: Well... I saw it...

Jac: It's in your bedside drawer...

Xander: Shut up... what were you doing in my bedside drawer?

Melanie: Xander, she hurt me!

Xander: Oh, let me kiss it better...

Melanie: No! You let Vilma get away with everything and you won't even see me for the picture.

Xander: Oh, for goodness sake... Jac!

Jac: Oui?

Xander: You know what to do.

Jac: No, please...

Xander: If you want to stay off the hook for shagging Mel...

Jac: It has been more trouble than it was worth...

Mel: Hey!

(Jac turns to Vilma slowly)

Vilma: Are you really going to do this, Jac?

(Jac turns back to Xander and Mel, who lean forward and glare at him. Jac quickly punches Vilma in the breast.)

Vilma: Oww... you little...

(Vilma starts to attack Jac.)

Jac: Je suis desolee!
Xander: Stop it! Stop it! Lucy, help me!

(Lucy and Xander separate Jac and Vilma.)

Xander: Stop it! This plot... plan is going nowhere. We have some very high profile young actresses on their way and I, for one, am very excited.

Vilma: Tell us something we don't know.

Xander: Vilma - I want you to organise an order to re-stock the bar, Lucy - you supervise.

Vilma: What?

Jac: Well, we can not leave the rat with the cheese.

Xander: Jac - you organise a camera and lights in the studio for the readings. Lucy, I want you to
organise transport for the actresses - airport to Four Seasons, Four Seasons to here.

Mel: Order them a maxi taxi.

Xander: No! A car for each one - now get out, I have a call to make.

(Lucy, Jac and Vilma leave.Xander sits on the sofa next to Mel.)

Mel: Who are you calling?

Xander: Lana Del Rey.

Mel: Ugh!

Xander: (Dialling) Look - I thought we re alright with this sort of thing now. Will you talk
to her for me?

Mel: No! I want you to give me the part in "Fifty Shades"!

Xander: (Waiting for an answer on the phone.) Melanie, don't be unreasonable. I have to have
an established name attached to me if I'm going to get this project...

Mel: (Crawling over Xander.)I thought you in, the wanted me attached to you.

Xander: I do. How's your tit feeling now? (Realising his call has been answered.) Oh, Lana!
No - I wasn't talking to you... haha... I was joking around with someone here... Yes...
I'll wait...

Mel: Haha...

Xander: Shut up! Look, don't you need to kiss you better?

Mel: No.

Xander: Please, I want to kiss you all over! (Again, realising someone back on the other end of the phone.) No! Lana... haha! I was just fooling around with a friend here. You know Mel Braxton...
(He hands Mel the phone.)

Mel: Heyhey, Lana...

Xander: Talk me up, sweetheart!

Mel: Yeah, he's alright...

Xander: Mel...

Mel: But he loves you, and he wants to kiss you!

(Xander snatches the phone back.)

Xander: Shut up! Shut up! (On the phone.) Sorry, Lana - she's had to much cocaine today... I keep
trying to tell her to give it up but she won't listen.

Mel: Because I can't hear while he's bonking my brains out!

Xander: Shut up! (Standing and talking back into the phone) No, not you, Lana! Look, I want you to make a music video for the soundtrack of a movie... what would you say to "Fifty Shades of Grey"? Alright, I'll wait.

Mel: (Running her feet up Xander.) Oh, come on... I could play Anastasia Steele... what do you think?

Xander: (Looking down at her.) I think that you should put some underwear on.

Mel: (Pullling Xander down onto the sofa.) Come on, Xander - let me play Anastasia. Aren't
I like, totes spanakable?

Xander: Of course dear, I think of spanking you constantly. (Again, realising that someone is back on the phone.) Lana, no! Not you! Look, it's going to be very tasteful... can't we have a meeting...
please... Ciao, then. (He hangs up.) Well thanks for that, Mel! (He pushes her off and stands up.)

Mel: (Standing and facing Xander) Xander, isn't "Fifty Shades of Grey" like, about getting pleasure from pain?

Xander: Yes.

Mel: Well how about this!

(Melanie shoves her knee into Xanders crotch. And storms out. Xander sits.)

Xander: Ahh! Bitch! Go and check the emails - do something usesful! Ah!

(Jac enters.)

Jac: Oh... Xander... what is it?

Xander: I'm in pain - Mel just kicked me in the balls!

Jac: Oh, no... you want I should check them for you?

Xander: No... thank you... no...make me a drink please.

(Lucy and Vilma enter. Lucy is on the phone.)

Vilma: We need gin!

Lucy: Excuse me please. (To Vilma.) We do not need gin - I've ordered four crates of champagne. We can't go over budget. (Back into the phone.) Sorry about this.

Vilma: Put one back and get some gin instead.

Xander: Lucy - just get a couple of bottles of Bombay Sapphire.

Lucy: Xander...

Xander: We'll just cut on something...

(Jac gives Xander his drink.)

Lucy: Fine.

Xander: You're an alcoholic, Lily.

Lily Look who's talking.

Xander: Jac, make her one too.

(Mel enters.)

Mel: I checked the messages.

Xander: Yes?

Mel: Guess who's coming?

Vilma: Channing Tatum?

Mel: No - Scott.

Lucy: Oh.

Vilma: Who?

Xander: Lucy's fiancee... former fiancee...

(Jac hands Vilma her drink.)

Jac: The one you slept with.

Vilma: Oh. I'm not good with names.
Mel: He wants to drop off some of you stuff.

Xander: Oh good, I forgot to punch him last time.

Lucy: Xander, just stay out of it, please.

Mel: Oh, and there's someone coming to see you, Xander.

Xander: Lana Del Rey?

Mel: Lily Von Lieberslieder's coming.

Xander: What?

Vilma: No!

Xander: How?

Mel: She's like, been released from high security rehab or something.

Xander: No... why does my psychopathic first ex-wife have to be released from high security rehab now? On one the most important day of my career? Why?

Vilma: How do you think I feel? She's my sister.

Xander: Quickly, lock the doors, lock the windows!

Mel: So, Vilma is like, Xander's ex-wife...

Jac: Oui.

Mel: And Lily is her sister... but she's been married to Xander too?

Lucy: That's right, and he also married their sister Greta too.

Mel: Wow...

Mel, Jac and Lucy: Weird.

Lucy: Don't agree with me, please, that's really weird.

Just finished reading this. I'm not really sure that it's a sitcom, it feels more like a drama-dy. I went in expecting to laugh a lot with you saying it was a sitcom, and I didn't laugh once I'm afraid.

The story didn't really hook me in. There seemed to be too many people in the room talking and not moving the story forward. It took quite a long time to get from "we're going to get a film star so I can direct a movie to my crazy ex-wife is auditioning", something like that could be done much quicker.

Vilma and Xander are starting to have distinct character voices but Lucy, Jac and Mel seemed pretty interchangeable and undeveloped. Try to limit scenes to two or three people maximum talking at once, because it can get hard to follow (at least, it can be to someone that doesn't yet know who these people are, I don't think you've communicated their characters well in this draft).

It's not bad, but I don't really think this kind of thing is for me. I'd kill off a few characters and get back to basics.

Maybe if you could explain who your characters are, others could suggest more concrete ways to improve the script.

Quote: ToddB @ January 2 2013, 12:06 PM GMT

.. it waffles on a bit, the plot may not be cut to quickly enough yet and some characters may not be be defined enough yet.

View original

Couldn't put it better myself.

But, honestly, you are obviously aware of it's weak points - it might be better to address them before asking for critique.

IIRC you've posted a couple of scripts on here before, got a polite but generally negative reception and then won an award for the performance of one of them. This suggests your actors are rather good at appearing more natural and funnier (and especially being more likeable) than they comes across on the page...

I can imagine the phone conversation working well if it doesn't look too contrived on stage. A lot of the rest seems like filler: not sure that lame one-liners about fast food are adding much. The bickering probably works better on the stage than the page.

Biggest issues for me were:

- Bidding to direct a Fifty Shades film could be very funny as a plot line but puts a definite time limit on your episode: there's a good chance they'll have casting nailed down IRL before you perform this. A made-up "it's like Fifty Shades but..." film project might work better here.

- Jac doesn't make sense to me, and I don't mean his French. One minute he's being apparently insulted by Xander; seconds later he's paying him a compliment. Can't work out why. Seems more of a comedy punchbag than a person.

- The script opens with Lucy seeming very organised and motivated and then she's completely passive for the rest of the scene (that's two potential script issues). If anyone wants to get up uncharacteristically early surely it should be Xander?

Thanks for the feedback so far, everyone Sometimes it helps to hear specifically what an outside reader would have difficulty with.

I can see that Lucy starts the scene in a strong position and then fades into the background somewhat. She actually is the person who would be up and starting the day at a normal time - she is the "sane man on the island", so to speak - who is attempting to reign in and regiment characters who would normally stay up late, drink to much and wake up mid-morning and be generally inefficient with time and money, but I clearly have not made this evident here. Similarly with Jac - he/she is in a position of retreat with Xander - having been caught with Mel in the previous episode - but this may not be clear.

I think perhaps the story needs to be more established and the jokes worked throughout it more - at the moment they seem a bit 'clumped'.

Thanks for the food for thought - I am open to anyone else.

For me, this currently falls in the "self-indulgent banter with not much happening" zone, which is a pretty easy zone to fall into. I once had to shed about 50 Celtx pages of such stuff.

In fact, as was already mentioned, you stated the main weakness in the script before posting it.

I think the most common trap is to concentrate on the 'funny' ahead of the 'story', and thus try to shoehorn as many cherished lines as possible into a script. The jokes should accompany the story, not the other way around. If I ever write another full script, I'll try and have the skeleton of the story set first, before even thinking about the jokes. Of course, it takes a lot of skill to make these jokes relevant to the existing story, but at least the story (and not the jokes) are in-charge. Building scripts from the inside-out, rather than top-down, seems to be the best way to avoid waffle dialogue.

The banter bits (which everyone loves writing) seem to be best-used when the characters are briefly trapped together in a transition which will lead to story-progression (in a lift, car etc.). This is where you can roll out those lines you love, but don't really connect with the story in any way.

This scene of yours currently weighs in at 1779 words; minus character names and the infrequent stage directions. How much development has occured for this expendature on words/time? In a 25-minute sitcom, every word/second should be precious.

Maybe try and half the word-count of this section to 890 words. Set a hard target and cull-cull-cull. You'll be amazed how much you can remove, with comparitively little loss. It's initially painful removing your own words, but worth-it when you end up with a nice tight, streamlined scene.

Thanks Simon. I think I used to get heavily into a story and quite forget to write jokes, even when I intended to be funny. I think I may have gone to another extreme now - when I get the inspiration to write, all of the potentially funny banter spins out and I keep it going because I'm afraid I'll forget it.

What I intend to do now is to complete the story and, as you suggested, try to spread the banter more evenly, and appropriately, throughout.