Strange Amazon reviews

Review for a barrel cactus:-

I'll be honest with you. I'll be quite transparent.

I used to be such a normal person. I was sensible, but not too sensible - one can learn a lot about one's character by licking a cigarette in the week before it is legal to smoke one - and I enjoyed my plain existence. Often, members of the peasant community would fling mud-lumps at the side of the helicopter as I travelled from one end of the garden to the other. I would laugh and wave and they would return to their shacks and we'd all have a jolly good time of it.

Of course, things change. One day Barack Obama (no, a different one) said to me, he said 'Bill, you should read the internet some days. It has a lot to offer'. And do you know what? I did read the internet. Previously limited to a used Suduko book for my reading material, I stole a personal computer and I devoured page after page and site after site. And slowly, I began to discover the truth about the world.

The things I have learned will never leave me. They will sit and fester within my heart like a rubber duck in a broken oven - doomed to remain eternally, until the cruel claws of time may poke at them no more. The Queen is a lizard.

The Queen is a lizard, your toaster can hear you thinking, France isn't there and NEVER WAS. The moon is a dragon's ear-drum.

Hot air balloons are sentient. There is a guy, works down the chip shop, swears he's Elvis. There is no such thing as marmite. And JFK was shot by a Maltese falcon in a man-kini.

I can't ever go outside now the the experts online in the internet machine have shown me what is really happening - the way the world is truly being run (mostly lizards, some toasters). I've stopped going near windows, too - if the Sun reflects on them, that means they are made of liquidised spies and are reporting everything you do back to their overlords.

What I'm trying to say is that I bought this 6 inch pretend barrel cactus to hide in.

It wasn't big enough. It barely covered one of my prosthetic feet, and while running away from one of the decorative tea pots which had started listening to my secret plans, it flew off and bounced away leaving me completely nude and vulnerable.

I bought forty-one more, and now I have sewn the cactus parts of each together to make a kind of fake cactus suit. Whenever I get the sense that the sleeves on my shirt are up to something, or the chandeliers have THAT look on their stupid faces again, I strip off, run down into the bunker and put on my cactus suit.

It looks a little bit lumpy, like a heap of fake cacti roughly arranged to form the shape of a person.

I gave it 4 stars out of five because, while very comfortable, I don't think it will be very effective when it comes to preventing mind-rays from the stars coming in through the kitchen and making me crazy.

That's really all I have to say on the matter.

Customer reviews for this US military air craft model toy are interesting:

http://www.amazon.com/Maisto-Fresh-Metal-Tailwinds-Endurance/product-reviews/B004JFMOGK/ref=cm_cr_dp_see_all_btm?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending

There's a tumblr of these and now I can't find it!

Ha!

I forgot I posted this...

The guy must be a bloody lunatic

Anyone remember those slightly insincere gushing customer reviews for Katie Price and Peter Andre's album? The ones that made out the album was more or the pinnacle of human endeavor?

Veet hair removal gel for men review:-

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...