Hi All,
I wrote two episodes of a sitcom thinking it would all be easy and by this time this year I would be getting sucked off by Kelly Brook. Turns out I was wrong (she likes anal).
Here's my sitcom. Do with it what you will:
http://www.staringintospace.co.uk/2012/12/floatleft/
Simon
Sorry, I didn't get so very far in - nothing grabbed me. No hook.
The dialoge wasn't very realistic (it wasn't horrible just - not great)
And if 'year 12' hacked a newspaper website they would leave something far worse than a hacked by year 12' message.
Yeah, doesn't really get going until the second half of the 6th episode and you need to have worked in New Media for 5-10 years to get some of the jokes. 
Should I apply by email for a position in this 'New Media' or will my quill and parchment suffice?
Just when I was thinking 'hmm, Tont's a weird name', it became apparent you'd spelt 'Tony' wrong the very first time the character's mentioned. I haven't even got to the dialogue yet.
I read them both and can see why someone might have been enthusiastic about the idea.
The surreal bits are much funnier than most of the tech in-jokes, which are at least not too techy for a TV audience.
(On the other hand, most of the celeb in-jokes aren't that great...)
Agree with Stephen about the dialogue. The good lines are good but there's a lot of big chunks of text that are unlikely to sound as funny as they read. Trimming it might get more favourable opinions from some more production companies.
Incidentally, the opening for Episode 1 is probably the weakest part of your two scripts, so it's a shame if that gets read first...
Thanks all for your feedback. I'm gonna have another go.
Cheers
Simon
I filmed the first episode myself last summer. Just got around to editing it. Should be available to watch online in a couple of months. Like the Facebook page if you're interested how it turned out https://m.facebook.com/floatleftmedia
Here's the bleeding first episode!
I watched about 5 minutes and can I suggest before you film you're next one work on the script.
You're suffering from an excess of implanted gags, over narration and samey characters.
Basically you've 4 characters who sit around and discuss notionally funny things, then ping pong the dialogue between each other.
Nothing much really happens and you don't really expand the details.
So year 12 hacked us
I gave them all gaydar profiles
Laugh.
Doesn't really work at all. I dunno accelerate it, maybe they all could murdered by a paedophile, serial killer, radio DJ?
But seriously don't look as your script as a vehicle to just drop jokes into. You need strong distinctive characters, in a workable setting, with relationships and see how the script grows from their interractions. Then chuck in a really great story line from page one that has them all scrapping like mad dogs.
What sooty said. Like him, I only managed five minutes, it was so dull. There's got to be a strong storyline, something - preferably lots of things - have got to happen, right from the beginning. Then the jokes spring from the plot.
The curse of The Office/mockumentary, I'm afraid.
They give the newbie writer the impression that they are easier to write than more obviously 'structured' comedy, when in fact they're much, much harder.
The other consequence is that every Tom,Dick & Harry thinks they can shoot them, so the market is flooded with the bastards - even less chance of being spotted.
Characters, structure, jokes.
In that order, please.
Skimming through there's some weird stuff in the middle and it seems to jump genre a bit.
A bit of a mess I'm afraid.
I think it benefits from watching the whole thing, as a thing. There is a story arc and the mad middle and end bits do make sense if you watched it all. I did worry about the first scene being a bit boring, but I was trying to use it to introduce the characters. Maybe I shouldn't have.
Team points for anyone who spots the two movie references in the pilot.
No it doesn't it never ever, ever works that way.
You've offered me no reason to believe your script will improve on the 5 minutes I've seen on it.
Most script readers will read 5-10 pages if they're paid to but will have made their minds up by page 1.
You need to set your scene that strongly.
Tell you what rewrite the first 5 pages and if it's good enough I'll read the rest.