EXT. STREET - DAY.
Kevin Beer Can walks down a busy street whilst talking to the camera.
KEVIN
Hey, I'm Kevin Beer Can star of The Woodsman, Mystic River and Sleepers but I'm not here to talk about my typecast as a paedophile. I'm here to talk about Kevin Beer Can, centre of a paedophile ring. Sometime ago I realised that everyone is a paedophile, and I mean everyone. Take the lovely boy here... go on take him... it's piss easy!
A small school boy runs off in terror. A police squad starts heading for Kevin from the distance. Kevin picks up his speed, but still focused on the camera.
KEVIN
My name is Kevin and a share a name among other things with Kevin Webster of Coronation Street, a coronation is ceremony performed by the royal family, the royal family's Prince Charles was marriage counselled by... Jimmy Savile.
He escapes down an alleyway, where he has to barge past all the celebrities who have been arrested and questioned. Pointing at them as he passes each one.
KEVIN
British pop culture reference, British pop culture reference and British pop culture reference. British pop culture reference with British pop culture reference and Kevin Beer Can.
An angry mob along with the police squad head for Kevin Beer Can, he puts his hands in the air to surrender. But the entire mob run past him, he looks around confused. The mob reach a family of blue aliens and start beating the shit out of them with Argos catalogues.
Kevin Beer Can turns back to the camera and shrugs it off and continues walking.
KEVIN
Hey, I'm Kevin Beer Can star of...
Fade out.
END
maybe they just don't like the Kevin Bacon mask?