British Comedy Guide

An extract from a screenplay I wrote

The guy wanted a noir detective series with mythos influence

Call of Cthulu meets the big sleep

I wrote one about a maloderous defrocked rabbi who reposesses kids bikes for the mafia

Funnily enough he paid me but never filmed it.

Here in all its magnificence is scene1

SCENE 1
EXT DAY A QUIET STREET IN A DUBIOUS NEIGHBOURHOOD

A car pulls up and a dodgy looking guy (YANOS) gets out and looks up and down the street.

A scruffy tramp (SHLOMO) watches him whilst sitting on the street with an equally scruffy dog on a rope .

YANOS Keeps looking up and down the street, he looks at his watch and starts speaking into his phone and jabbering agitatedly and waving his arms around.

TOBY a little kid cycles up to SHLOMO on a fancy but small kids bike

TOBY
Peeyoo Mr you stink, did you poop your pants?
SHLOMO
Shhh kid it's my job.
TOBY picks his nose and absentmindedly flicks it at SHLOMO
TOBY
You get paid to poop your pants mister? Are you like a diaper tester or something?
SHLOMO
Nah I'm a detective and I'm undercover, as a kid now keep quiet kid it's about to go down.
TOBY
Cooool!
MAGUS walks upto YANNOS, YANNOS pulls a gun and waves it at MAGUS . MAGUS makes conciliatory gestures, YANNOS puts his gun away and they embrace

TOBY
You're going to get those bad guys aren't you?
SHLOMO
I'm after the real criminal, keep the dog!
FX Gun shot.
TOBY looks up in surprise as YANNOS shoots MAGUS at pointblank range as they hug. MAGUS fools to the ground. POLICE plain clothed and uniformed run on waving guns/
FX Sound of sirens.
TOBY
Hey Mr shouldn't you be helping, hey!!!
SHLOMO shoves TOBY off of his bicycle and leaps on it and rides off on it. TOBY throws garbage and rocks etc as SHLOMO cycles away.
TOBY
You give me back my bikey you poop head! What kind of detective is you anyway?
SHLOMO
Bike repo man!

As SHLOMO cycles along he passes a Voorish sign painted on a wall. Beneath seemingly painted in blood are the words "God damn you last chance Romance!"

Share this page