KI: One-liners

Dear all, do let us have your topical one-liners for the Kirrin Island recording this weekend. You do know you're all invited don't you? This Sunday 16th, at The Phoenix, Cavendish Sq. it's FREE. Doors open at 2:30pm.

One-liners gratefully received until midnight Friday night. To get us started, one from Trinder;

"I don't know why people are so worried about North Korea firing a rocket into space, they were aiming for the ocean."

And one from my friend David,
"I'm sure teachers who fail their random drugs test are hoping to be given more lines."

Alison

That's in London, for anyone in Manchester or elsewhere.

"I wouldn't recognise the Syrian opposition. I dunno what they look like!"

"If the census has taught us one thing - it's that Nick Griffin will never be Mayor of London!"

"I'm hermaphroditic. Can I be a bishop?"

"Throwing coins at footballers is an expensive hobby. I've just had to buy a new television!"

"Britain's lost four million Christians. Deed poll has a lot to answer for!"

Quote: groovydude89 @ December 13 2012, 1:48 AM GMT

"Throwing coins at footballers is an expensive hobby. I've just had to buy a new television!"

View original

Pretty good.

The BBC has apologised for over-relying on repeats. If you missed their apology you can see it again at 8 o'clock, 8.30 and all through next week.

We'd like to apologise for out language when we called Cameron a stupid (beep)er. We'll try not to say Cameron again.

Paul Daniels has denied having a toupee. But he let his hair down and three children were crushed.

Yet again Victoria Beckham has been accused of over-exposure. She'll be on the show to talk about it later.

It's now obligatory to use a 'Baby on board' sticker so the person behind will slow down. Unless it's a Catholic priest, he'll speed up.

Taylor Swift's 'We are never ever getting back together', hailed as a feminist anthem, was actually written by her legs.

Tragic news for pop fans as One Direction - beset by inter-group rivalry, bickering and bitterness - announce they still won't split up.

Panto season and Graham Naughton wants a small part in Aladdin, Aladdin isn't so pleased.

Tiger Woods has spent four weeks in Paris. Ms Hilton is recovering nicely.

Asked if they could spell, fifty per cent of school children answered No. The rest didn't understand the question.

The X Factor single is for the charity 'Together for Short Lives'. Judges deny this refers to the winning groups.

Two children aged 7 and 11 have been arrested for armed robbery. In their defence, they were bullied into it by their younger sister.

The unemployed are to be given free bus travel to attend job interviews. This means they can not only attend the interview but also have an excuse for being three hours late.

My son's teacher failed a drugs test, he scored an E.

Every year the British government asks if we can just have the money and every year Norway sends us a tree.

News just in, Starbucks are to sponsor a new baseball team called the L.A Tax Dodgers.

He's making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who's naughty or nice, the officer in charge of Operation Yewtree is coming to town.

Economic news, with no end in sight for the financial downturn Great Britain is to be renamed "Poundland".

With a baby on the way, Kate Middleton will have to get used to the Royal Wee.

Warning! Don't buy a Mayan Advent calendar, they only go up to 21st December!

"The Hobbit" film has been classified 12A. Slightly ironic that "little people" have to be accompanied by an adult.

"Press regulation? Well, where's the regulation button?"

"Operation Yewtree's inspired a new dance craze. Langham Style!"

Quote: groovydude89 @ December 13 2012, 2:49 PM GMT

"Operation Yewtree's inspired a new dance craze. Langham Style!"

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The government have given permission to a gas company to start fracking in Lancashire.
Why not, they are fracking everyone else.

"I used to watch the sky at night... but now I watch it during the daytime instead."

"Gay marriage is an contradiction in terms! There's no such thing as a happily wed couple!"

"Jack Whitehall's been voted the King of Comedy! And they say democracy's a good thing!"

A worker whose factory closed down has sued Jamie Oliver for referring to the beef his employer produced as 'pink slime', on the up side, Lady Gaga bought all the remaining stock and now has a brand new wardrobe for her next tour.

Paramount has announced it's to release a painstakingly re-mastered conversion of 80's film Top Gun, though they say they still don't have the technology to make Tom Cruise look taller.

Cheers for all the one-liners so far - keep them coming!

Could I also ask that you let us know the name you'd like to be credited with if your stuff does make it into the show. You may not want to post it up in the forum (if you do though that'll be fine) so PM it to me or Alison.

Our default will be to use your BCG name e.g. 'Tony Cowards' or 'groovydude89', so if you're happy with that then do nothing!

My dirty cerebral trumps -

Dave Lee Travis, often dubbed the 'hairy cornflake' - But never without asking their permission first.

Rod Hull wasn't keen on performing with emu when he started his career but he figured 'Hey, a hand in the bird is worth two in the bush'

I have been married to my wife for 40 years, and am entirely in favour of gay marriage. I mean why should the gays have all the fun?

Shortly after Patrick Moore's death a super gigantic massive black hole was created. By grave diggers.

Patrick Moore taught us so much about science. For example did you know, if The Sun was the size of a matchbox then it would still be full of reactionary racism.

Australian police have warned that Apple Maps is accidentally sending people to desolated, dangerous areas, full of criminals. Like Australia.

The problem with apple maps is that it doesn't stick to car windscreens; it isn't compatible with windows.

It was feared that two armed robbers aged 5 and 11 would turn their gun on the police, but they eventually gave up and had to concede - they'd had a Nerf.

Police have told the two child robbers that they could spend the rest of their lives languishing on the bottom of a tiny prison cell. To which the accused replied 'Ha-ha! - Bottom!'

John McAfee did say he would hand himself into the police, if they agreed to his terms and conditions. But no one ever reads those.

Cyril Smith was a devout Christian. In fact he often use look to the stars in the bright sky, from the bed in which he lay, and dream of the time he would be up there, with the little baby Jesus, laying down some sweet head.

Cyril Smith was a devout Christian. In fact I often like to think of him now, up there, with little baby Jesus...

I was shocked to hear that Cyril Smith died only 2 years ago and of natural causes. As in the 80s, when I was a child, many of my friends claimed he had finished himself off.

A new born baby has been given what appears to be the ridiculous name of 'HASHTAG'. It isn't that odd really as her father is a 'Joaquin' and her mother is a 'C, hashtag, exclamation mark, T'

I urge the couple who have decided to go forward in calling their child 'HASHTAG' to reconsider - it's not too late to retweet.

What?! A twitter mad couple have decided to call their daughter HASHTAG? I don't follow..

Quote: StephenM @ December 14 2012, 10:24 AM GMT

Could I also ask that you let us know the name you'd like to be credited with if your stuff does make it into the show. You may not want to post it up in the forum (if you do though that'll be fine) so PM it to me or Alison.

View original

Other than contributing material, what's your connection to the project? Co-creator, second-in-command, random helper?

"I'm a homophobic racist! But that's okay - because I'm also an astronomer!"

"If you've got nothing to hide, then you're probably not as afraid of the Communications Bill as I am!"

"William and Kate have clearly indulged in sexual intercourse. Perverts!"