F/X:KNOCK AT DOOR, DOOR OPENING
DOCTOR:
Hello there, come in and take a seat. I'm Doctor Aaachoo. Now, what seems to be the problem?
PATIENT:
Well... the thing is, I think I've got... (TEARFULLY) ash dieback disease.
DOCTOR:
Ash dieback disease?
PATIENT:
(STILL TEARFUL) Ash dieback disease.
DOCTOR:
OK. So...
PATIENT:
I'm going to die, aren't I? Or... my back's going to die, and the rest of me... Is that how it works?
DOCTOR:
Certainly not. Because I can assure you that you don't have ash dieback disease.
PATIENT:
But... you haven't even examined me yet! How can you possibly know -
DOCTOR:
Because, as far as I'm aware, you are not in any sense an ash tree.
PATIENT:
But I've got all the symptoms!
DOCTOR:
The symptoms that you would find on ash trees?
PATIENT:
Yes! Look! My leaves are all brown and droopy!
DOCTOR:
That's hair.
PATIENT:
Even the ones down -
DOCTOR:
Please don't remove your clothing.
PATIENT:
And I've got all these weird markings...
DOCTOR:
Those are rather unusual leggings, yes.
PATIENT:
And there's also this really pungent smell.
DOCTOR:
That's not even a symptom of ash dieback disease!
PATIENT:
Oh, is it not? Probably should have had a shower before I -
DOCTOR:
I can see you're concerned, but there really is no way that you're suffering from this condition. It doesn't affect humans. And you are... well, more or less human.
PATIENT:
(TAKING THIS AS A COMPLIMENT) Oh, thank you! And if you're really sure... that's such a relief.
DOCTOR:
So, if you could send the next patient -
PATIENT:
Just one more thing. I think I might also be suffering from... (TEARFULLY) triple dip recession.
DOCTOR:
Triple dip recession?
PATIENT:
(STILL TEARFUL) Triple dip recession. What am I going to do?
DOCTOR:
Well... bearing in mind that you're not actually an economy, the only thing I can suggest is... get yourself down the pound shop.
PATIENT:
OK, thank you doctor! Will do! But... won't they mind my leaves shedding all over the floor?