Skit comp 12 - 19.12.12

Good work so congratulations to OTTERFOX for winning. Please PM me for next week's topic.
Hence:

Votes - Points
2 - 10 - Otterfox
1 - 5 - Carlos Manwelly, John Millar, Pingl
Special mention: Gappy

Your new subject: THE END OF THE WORLD (chosen by CARLOS MANWELLY)

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 19.12.12

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Position - Name

63 - 1 - Gappy
20 - 2 - Lazzard
15 - 3 - Pingl, Carlos Manwelly, Overlay, Tursiops, Michael Monkhouse
11 - 4 - A is for Adam, Ishy, Stylee Ting Ting
10 - 5 - Otterfox, Judgement Dave
6 - 6 - 404NotFound
5 - 7 - John Millar, Lee, Shandonbelle, Tuumble, Sootyj
1 - 8 - DubiousG, Steve Sunshine

INT: Veterinarian Reception

VET: Hello, Mr Almighty?

GOD: Yes.

VET: If you'd like to come on through.

The two men move through to a small room

VET: Have a seat Mr Almighty.

GOD: Please, God is fine.(he sits)

VET. God, as you know your planet has been ill for some time. It's called Earth isn't it?

GOD: Yes, that's right.

VET: Well, as you know, Earth has been ill for sometime.

GET: I know, it has humans.

VET: Exactly. Unfortunately, we have been unable to remove the humans and Earth's condition has deteriorated.

GOD: Oh, right.

VET: I'm afraid we're now at the stage where it might be better for Earth if we put it down. It's suffering terribly, the infection is growing quickly.

GOD: My son said he could try something.

VET: Well, your son tried before. And to be frank, he made things worse.

GOD: I know, I know. He thought he was helping.

VET: I understand, you've had Earth for some time, you've become attached.

GOD: It's like a member of the family.

VET: I would normally give you a few days to discuss this with your family, but I'm afraid Earth's condition is quite severe. It's best for all if we make a decision quickly.

GOD: Right.

VET: You might want to consider a new planet.

GOD: A new planet?

VET: Well, maybe after a while.............So Mr Almighty, Have you made a decision?

GOD: Eh, OK, I guess. If it's suffering.

VET: It's the right thing to do. I'll let my colleague know

The Vet exits the room, back into the reception area.

VET: Janet.

JANET: Yes.

VET: Mr Almighty has made his decision, could you please end the world.

JANET: Right you are Mr Satan.

21ST DECEMBER 2012

EXT. NIGHT SKY - BIG BALL OF FIRE HURTLING TOWARDS THE EARTH IN THE DISTANCE.

INT. BEDROOM

BRIAN AND JOYCE BOTH MID 40'S LYING IN BED, MARVIN GAYE IS PLAYING ON THE STEREO THE BEDSIDE LAMP IS ON, THEY ARE COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS TO THE BALL OF FIRE HEADING TOWARDS EARTH.

JOYCE
It's ok love it happens to a lot of men your age, don't worry too much about it you will just make it worse.

BRIAN
That's easier said than done this is the third time it has happened, I just can't get it to work right.

JOYCE
I told you last time, you need to go up the doctors, they have pills for men with droopy dicks, there is a tablet for everything these days you'd be surprised.

BRIAN
Don't say it like that it's called erectile dysfunction.

EXT. NIGHT SKY - THE BIG BALL OF FIRE HURTLING TOWARDS THE EARTH IS GETTING CLOSER, THERE IS PANIC IN THE STREETS AS IT BEGINS TO COVER THE NIGHT SKY

INT. BEDROOM.

BRIAN AND JOYCE ARE STILL OBLIVIOUS, AS THE MUSIC PLAYS ON.

JOYCE
I am just trying to make light of a bad situation, your not the only one that is suffering you know, I need a bit as well, I have my needs.

BRIAN
Well I am not going up the doctors, I can't talk to him about this, and you telling me that you have needs is not helping either, it puts too much pressure on me.

JOYCE
Doctors are not allowed to say anything about patients to anybody, not even to me. And I am trying to help, that's why I put this music on, a bit of Marvin Gaye because we need some sexual healing in this house.

BRIAN
Ok just give me five minutes to relax and clear my mind and we'll give it another go.

JOYCE
Shall I play with him while I am waiting? You know speed the process up a bit?

BRIAN
Yes you could try it, but don't be to rough, nice and slow, go with the music.

EXT. NIGHT SKY - THE BIG BALL OF FIRE IS NOW COVERING HALF OF THE SKY AS IT LOOMS ABOVE THE HOUSE, ABOUT TO CRASH TO EARTH AND DESTROY THE PLANET.

BRIAN AND JOYCE ARE STILL UNAWARE OF WHAT IS HAPPENING OUTSIDE

INT. BEDROOM

JOYCE GIVES BRIAN A HAND JOB UNDERNEATH THE BLANKETS, BRIAN IS UNRESPONSIVE AND SO IS HIS DROOPY DICK, AFTER A FEW MINUTES JOYCE STOPS.

BRIAN
It's no good it's just not happening, you must have put to much pressure on me talking about your needs.

JOYCE
Don't worry about it love, we will sort it out, it's not the end of the world is it?

EXT. NIGHT SKY - THE BIG BALL OF FIRE CRASHES TO EARTH AND DESTROYS THE PLANET.

END (OF THE WORLD)

SCENE OPENS ON TWO VOICES MUMBLING

JOHN: This is it Mark, total darkness. Game over. It all happened so fast

MARK: If this truly is our final hour, The end of the sun and all life as we know it... You know? Its making me think of all the things I havent done...Look...If this truly is it...I have a favour to ask... would you... umm... how do I say this...ummm...indulge me in a life long fantasy? I've always fancied trying a man

JOHN: Woah! Im not sure about that! Whered all this come from?

MARK: Its just been there I guess...Sorry... Although...I would like to point out you owe me, Remember Blackpool? You cheated on Lisa and Ive never said a word

JOHN: Thats true. It would have ruined everything. Marriage and kids made me a better man

MARK: And I never showed anyone those photos from Spain, you know where you had all that leather gear on? with the handcuffs? and the stripper?

JOHN: Your right. You've been a good pal. Always had my back. Its pretty dark I guess and its not like I have to see anything happening.

MARK: And it'll be quick, promise. It would make all this bearable.

Theres some shuffling and grunting...

LIGHTS COME BACK ON TO AN OFFICE SCENE AND MARK AND JOHN ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ACT. SEVERAL COLLEAGUES TURN AROUND MOUTHS WIDE OPEN HOLDING SUNGLASSES AND ONE GUY IS WEARING A T-SHIRT WITH BOLD LETTERING -
'SOLAR ECLIPSE 2012'

What's the difference between Indeep and Jacintha Saldanha? Last night a DJ saved their life.

July 2011 The Offices of the News of the World

Editor - Well Bob this is it , the end of over a hundred years of fine investigative journalism.

Bob - Yup it's a tragedy Boss

Editor - Well lets go out with some fireworks, lets end with a front page that says this was a great campaigning newspaper, a voice for the masses, lets end not with a whimper but with a bang.Right what's our lead story?

Bob - Well apparently quite a famous lady likes to sleep with other ladies.

Editor - Yea, Yea a famous minge muncher is good, but we need more, something bigger. And in her case it would probably bigger news if she slept with a man

Bob- There is a film star who likes to sleep with other men, he's a gayer.

Editor - Yea Gayers are good but they are ten a penny. Have we any Queer Vicars

Bob - Loads, but is that big enough?

Editor - What about a really fat lady on the dole with twenty kids and methadone habit?........

Twenty hours later

Editor - Well Bob there's our headline, makes you proud ! Read it back to me

Bob - GAY VICAR HAMSTER MUNCHING LESBO SEX SCANDAL HORROR WITH A LIST CELEBRITY NAZI BONDAGE GAYER EUROPEAN FRENCH SNIFFING COMMISSIONER WHO IS A PROSTITUTE ON BENEFITS!

Editor - Sexy, and that is the end of the 'World' as we know it Bob, We won't see the like of this paper again!

Bob - Well for six months until we open the Sun on Sunday

Editor - Shhhhh!

EXTERNAL. DAY. WE SEE A CLOSEUP OF THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE RIDING SLOWLY IN A LINE, SIDE BY SIDE IN TIGHT FORMATION.

FAMINE:
You look like Death.

DEATH LOOKS AROUND WITH AN EXASPERATED EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE.

PESTILENCE:
I know. I've been sick with worry all night.

FAMINE:
You're not alone. I couldn't eat this morning, I was that nervous.

WAR:
You need to learn to conquer your fears. You should try my hypnotherapist. Worked wonders for me.

DEATH:
Enough of this nonsense! The hour of judgement is upon us. We have been preparing for this moment for millennia. This is our sacred calling and we shall prevail. Now let's ride like there's no tomorrow!

THE HORSES START TO TROT DIAGONALLY TO THE LEFT FOR A FEW METRES, THEN DIAGONALLY TO THE RIGHT, STAYING IN FORMATION ALL THE WHILE. WE HEAR THE BUILDING NOISE OF A CROWD. PULL BACK TO REVEAL:

EXTERNAL. DAY. WE SEE AN ARENA SURROUNDED BY STANDS FULL OF SPECTATORS. THE HORSES TROT IN AN EXPANDING SPIRAL. THE CROWD CHEERS.

VOICEOVER:
A Strong start from Team Apocalypse in what promises to be an exciting final here at the 2012 Dressage World Championships.

END

I wrote this last night, and see that my description of the 4 horsemen repeats DubiousG's dressage gag. Great minds, and all that.

....

GOD: Right, that's it. I've had enough. I'm going to do it. I'm going to end the world.

JESUS: Yeah?

GOD: Yep. I've had it up to here. It's over. Apocalypse o'clock.

JESUS: Right. I mean, that's great, and everything, but you've said that before.

GOD: Yeah, I know, but I mean it this time.

JESUS: It's just, all the other times you meant it, and you told those guys in the midwest and outside tube stations to spread the word, and then you backed out. It's kind of made them look a bit silly.

GOD: I know, I know. But I'll make sure they're in the elect, to make it up to them. This time I'm really really certain.

JESUS: Alright, then, let's do it! I'll pull the saved souls up to heaven, you destroy the world, and we'll meet back here for cocktails at seven.

GOD: Yes. No. I mean, that would work, but I had a few ideas that we could just, you know, mess about with. [Pulls out scroll]

JESUS: Go on.

GOD: Right, well there are these trumpets.

JESUS: Trumpets? At a cataclysm?

GOD: No, sure, but bear with me: there are these trumpets and they all have a parp, and then -

JESUS: And then the earth is destroyed, OK, works for me.

GOD: No, no, it's a bit more...well, the first trumpet burns up a third of earth's vegetation, OK? The second destroys a third of the earth's ships, right, and the next one poisons some of the earth's water.

JESUS: A third, by any chance?

GOD: Umm, yeah, I think that was roughly the fraction I was thinking of.

JESUS: Look, can't we skip the thirds, and do it all at once? I mean, if you keep attacking the same third it's inefficient...not to mention a bit racist. We can't have a racist millennium: it was bad enough making me the only blond guy in the Middle East, but that was 2000 years ago, this would be a PR disaster.

GOD: Fair enough. No thirds, we'll do it all at once.

JESUS: Great, I'll get the trumpets.

GOD: OK. But just before that, there's this book, you see. And a lamb.

JESUS: A lamb?

GOD: A lamb. A sort of dead lamb, yeah, and it opens the seals of the book.

JESUS: A dead lamb?

GOD: Don't you like it?

JESUS: It's a bit leftfield.

GOD: I thought you'd like the dead lamb. It's supposed to be you.

JESUS: Oh. Oh, right. I don't really know, err, what to say.

GOD: You don't like it. Oh, no, you hate it, don't you?

JESUS: No, I don't hate it, exactly, it's a just a bit...well, what does this lamb do?

GOD: He opens the first seal, and a white horse comes out. Then he opens the second seal, and a red horse comes out. There's a black horse when the third seal's opened, and then -

JESUS: Look, can't we just get this apocalypse over with, without some sort of psychedelic gymkhana? Give me that! [Grabs scroll and reads] Stars falling, yadda yadda, locusts with human faces, blah blah, seven bowls for some unknown reason. What? A seven headed leopard from the sea? Have you gone completely insane?

GOD: I'm just trying to zazz things up a bit.

JESUS: Zazz? This isn't zazz, it's a bloody circus. Look, you've got a big beast with a number daubed on it.

GOD: 666!

JESUS: Yes, I know, 666. What does that even mean?

GOD: 666! It sounds cool.

JESUS: It sounds mental. Who ever heard of a beast with a serial number? You going to file it, or something? What is this, some sort of tagged conservation programme for monsters? Are you going to breed them?

GOD: Ooh, that's not a bad idea.

JESUS: Yes it is! You tried that with the dinosaurs, and it didn't work.

GOD: Never speak of them! They are nothing to me.

JESUS: Fine. But what's with all the palaver? You harrowed hell in a single afternoon, surely we can get this over with a bit quicker? There's a part of your plan here that lasts a thousand years, that's quite a large percentage of the entire history of the earth...if we don't count the dino-

GOD: Don't say it!

JESUS: -things. You never used to be like that. You used to be decisive. It used to be all thou shalt not this, forty days of that and I'll turn you into a pillar of the other.

GOD: Yes, but that was the old days. I've changed now.

JESUS: Kind of an odd thing for an omniscient, omnipotent being to do, wouldn't you say?

GOD: Oh, I hadn't thought of that. [Promptly disappears in a puff of logic]

JESUS: Right, that's Him out of the way, finally. The apocalypse is off forever; I think I'll retire to Norwich...

*****
Why can't I post this in a new reply? Very odd. Anyway, if anyone sees this squirreled away down here, this is my vote.

I liked the set ups that Dubious and Millar came up with a lot, but I shall cast my cataclysmic hat in with Adam: if this is the last sketch comp before the world explodes, let's end on some awkward sex.

A is for Adam

gappy

I vote for Gappy