Facebook Technical Support

Playing around with this idea at the moment, but not really sure about it at all especially the ending.

Internal man on phone to Facebook technical support.

Man:
I think my next door neighbour is dead.

Facebook Tech:
Pardon

Man:
My neighbour, I think she's dead.

Facebook Tech:
You need to contact the police, this is a Facebook helpline

Man:
I have called the police, but they don't seem to be interested

Facebook Tech:
That is unusual, so why are you calling us

Man:
Well I was hoping you would be able to tell me when she was last signed into Facebook

Facebook Tech:
I am afraid we are not allowed to provide that kind of information to individuals or third parties, without a warrant.

Man:
But I have poked her twice, sent her a message and wrote on her wall, I am sure there is something wrong, she is always on facebook

Facebook Tech:
Why don't you go and knock her door, to check if everything is ok?

Man:
I don't really know her that well, we are friends on Facebook that's all, I wouldn't like to knock her door.

Facebook Tech:
Well sorry sir we are unable to help you, if you are concerned you should really try the police again.

Man:
Ah well, it was worth a try, I'll send her a game request now. She loves games.

Fade out

I found that funny and laughed out loud a couple of times. I think you could prune the language a bit to make it sharper (e.g. cut out all the 'well's - they're not needed)

I thought the ending was fine, though again I'd say prune it - maybe ...
Man:
Hmm. (PAUSE) I'll send her a game request. She loves games.

Thanks keewik, I wasn't sure myself if it was funny or was just a telephone conversation that was going nowhere.

I agree with all the wells, I seem to have a problem when I am writing I chuck loads in, I had actually removed about 3 of them before I posted it.

Thanks again I will take your advice

'well' is a common problem. Also the word 'just'. I've compiled my own list and I use it to check through every script when I edit.

I have problems with the word just as well, that sounds odd I mean I have problems with the word just as well as the word well.

I will be aware of them now you said it, and will look out for any other words I use all the time

Good idea, I'm sure I saw something similar some where.

I think you need to do 3 things.

1 Shorten the sentences make it snapppier
2 Play up the character diferencs make the helpline person more neutral and the guy phoning in crazier. Not wild stuff just play up the diference. Each couplet should be like a joke.
3 Put in a twist in the final line (the one that jumps out at me is that the police defriended him, or a pun on pigs and farmville)

but as ever liking yourstuff

I did have a quick look about because I was sure I had seen it done before as well, I found a few things but not exactly like this (though I didn't look to long in case I did)

I agree with the sentences they need to be snappier, something I have noted I need to work on

About the caller, I was thinking about making a video of the sketch and I can't act so I avoid making him animated at all because I can't do it

and the final line I am still thinking about that, I'd like to have a good twist at the end, but not pigs/police that reminds me to much of when I was 17

I'd rewrite it so only one characters dialogue is there and then respond to an unseen caller.

I did think of that as well, but because I was thinking of a video sketch I wanted to to have 2 people in it and split the screen because I have never done that before and wanted to give it a go, it is worth another thought though now you said it

If, as you say, you can't act, do you have any contacts in a local drama club who might enjoy helping out?

I do know of a few local drama groups around and sort of know people who are involved with them, but have never approached anyone because I think they wouldn't want to bother with a daft hobby that I have about making sketches on YouTube. Though on the other side of the fence, they have seen me on YouTube and asked if I would be in one of their shows.

So maybe I should. Ideally I would like to write stuff and get some proper actors or at least someone that can do it better than me but I don't like to hassle people, I have tried a few times with friends, but they are busy with their own stuff and it's my dream not theirs which is understandable.

I do have about 2 or 3 friends who the same as me can't act but we like to have a laugh and make videos