Heaven Can't Wait

A little sketch I wrote a few weeks ago after the passing of Clive Dunn.

A UNIFORMED AND WINGED LANCE CORPORAL JONES ARRIVES BREATHLESS AT THE PEARLY GATES AND RINGS THE BELL

JONESermission to enter the kingdom of heaven.

CAPTAIN MAINWARING ANSWERS

MAINWARING:Is that you Jones?

JONES:Reporting for celestial duty Captain Mainwaring Sir.

MAINWARING:What time do you call this Jones? I've been freezing my bayonet off waiting for you to arrive.

JONES:Well you see Captain Mainwaring Sir, Private Pike lost his scarf and got soaking wet playing hide and seek and...

MAINWARINGtupid Boy.

JONES:Then Private Frazer forced us to abandon stations and go ghost hunting in the Outer Hebrides.

GHOSTLY SCOTTISH VOICE OFF:We're doomed.

MAINWARING:I think you're wandering into the realms of fantasy Jones, what I want to know is, did you manage to bring the (taps nose conspiratorially) you know....

JONES:I got 'em right here (checks) Hold on, I think I've lost 'em. Don't panic, don't panic

PRODUCES A BAG FROM FRONT OF TROUSERS

JONES:Here you are Sir. Two pounds of best pork sausages.

MAINWARING:Good work Jones, so you managed to get them past Sergeant Wilson alright?

JONES:Yes Sir, I hid them in me back passage.

MAINWARING:Good grief Jones.

JONES:But then next doors terrier started sniffing round the bins.

MAINWARINGrelived) Ah...I thought for a minute...

JONES: So then I done a commando and shoved em down me pants...they're nice and warm.

MAINWARING:Tut, they'll have to do. Well, what are you waiting for man, come in.

JONES:Well I would Sir, only one of me wings is stuck in the gate. Permission to holler in pain Sir.

Nice and quaint, could see it in my minds eye, not a laugh out loud job more of a smile and it is obvious that you know your Dad's Army.

OOh, I missed the fuzzy wuzzy! Cheers guys, I've got a soft spot for Dad's Army so glad you like it.

This is lovely. Sort of a gentle feel to it that puts a smile across your face.

Nice

It was nice and gentle as others have said. The only thing that didn't sit right was Jones' line about stuffing the sausages down his pants. It was completely out of character and just didn't sit right. Also, why wouldn't Wilson want him to bring the sausages through? That bit didn't make sense to me.

There was always a bit of mild conflict between Wilson and Mainwaring so I imagined Mainwairing getting one over on a disapproving Wilson. The pants thing was Jones unintentional double meanings....and who can resist a back passage reference?

oh er missus

Now you're venturing into the realms of Carry On Teddy.