SPATTLEWHACK
EXT. DAY.
JEREMY SPICK IS WALKING BRISKLY ALONG A STREET WHEN HE PASSES A TENNIS COURT. HE STOPS, LOOKS IN AND SMILES DELIGHTEDLY. HE SAUNTERS IN AND SEES A MAN HITTING A BALL OVER A NET WITH HIS HAND. THE BALLS HIT THE WIRE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE COURT. THE WIRE IS FILLED WITH SOCKS.
JEREMY:
What are you doing?
KEN:
Practising. During the festival of Kaloch each year we play the neighbouring village in a game of Spattlewhack. This has been a long-standing tradition for over 200 years and I have been chosen to represent our village this year.
We have lost the last three but have never lost four in a row so it's absolutely vital that I win. That's why I'm practising, using the socks as targets.
JEREMY:
What would you say if I were to tell you that I've an even better training method than socks?
KEN:
I would say okay.
SAME COURT LATER THAT DAY.
ONE SIDE OF THE COURT IS FULL OF ROCKS AND KENS SIDE IS FULL OF TABLES AND CHAIRS.
JEREMY:
This is more like it. At my side we have 874 rocks so that when you hit the ball to this side of the court it could bounce anywhere thus improving your reflexes nine fold. At your side I have left a load of cutlery.
KEN:
They're tables and chairs.
JEREMY:
Indeed, the next best thing. Now if you can avoid those spoons-
KEN:
Chairs.
JEREMY:
Yes chairs. If you can manoeuvre around a court filled with chairs imagine how much faster you would be with not a fork in sight.
MONTAGE BEGINS OF KEN EXPERTLY REACTING TO THE BOUNCE OF THE BALL AND HITTING INCREDIBLE SHOTS.
ANY BALLS THAT DONT BOUNCE BACK TO KENS SIDE OF THE COURT ARE FIRED BACK BY JEREMY. HE THROWS A HIGH BALL AND KEN JUMPS FOR IT BUT CRASHES HEAVILY THROUGH A TABLE BEHIND HIM.
JEREMY:
Ooh if only you were seven foot taller you would have only missed it by a couple of inches!
KEN REMAINS COMPLETELY MOTIONLESS ON THE SMASHED TABLE. JEREMY REALISES THAT HE MAY BE HURT AND JOGS OVER TO HIM LOOKING AROUND NERVOUSLY.
CUT TO FINAL DAY. KEN AND HIS OPPONENT WALK OUT ON COURT. KEN IS HUNCHED OVER AND STILL LOOKS TO BE IN PAIN. BOTH THE PLAYERS ARMS HAVE TENNIS RACKET COVERS ON THEM.
KEN TRIES TO OPEN THE COVERS BUT CANT. HE EVENTUALLY OPENS THEM WITH HIS TEETH. HE THEN HITS EACH PALM WITH HIS OTHER HAND IN A CHOPPING MOTION ALA A TENNIS PLAYER TESTING THE STRINGS ON HIS RACKET. HE DECIDES UPON HIS LEFT ARM.
KEN SERVES BY THROWING THE BALL UP WITH HIS RIGHT HAND THEN CATCHES HIS LEFT ARM LIKE A RACKET AND CONNECTS WITH THE BALL WITH HIS PALM. HIS OPPONENT HOLDS HIS ARM THE SAME WAY. KEN STRUGGLES AROUND THE COURT, STAGGERING AND MISSING SHOTS. AFTER ONE PARTICULAR POINT KEN FIXES HIS SPLAYED FINGERS MUCH LIKE A TENNIS PLAYER WOULD FIX HIS STRINGS.
JEREMY LOOKS ON WITH GUILT AS KEN STRUGGLES BADLY.
WE NEXT SEE JEREMY OFFERING INSTRUCTIONS TO KEN. KEN SITS UP RIGIDLY WITH A LOOK OF STEELY DETERMINATION IN HIS EYES. HE CONFIDENTLY TROTS BACK OUT ONTO THE COURT. HE SOON SLUMPS STUMBLES AND FALLS.
JEREMY LOOKS AROUND SHIFTILY AND TRIES TO SLIP OUT WITHOUT BEEN SEEN.
END.
