Skit Comp 17 - 25.11.12

Good work and congratulations to GAPPY for another victory. Please PM me for next week's topic.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
5 - 10 - Gappy
2 - 5 - Lee, 404NotFound
1 - 1 - A is for Adam, DubiousG
Special mention: Blobster, Otterfox

Your new subject: SEX (simply 'cos I've been doing this for years and can't believe it hasn't come up yet)

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 25.11.12

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Position - Name

57 - 1 - Gappy
20 - 2 - Lazzard
15 - 3 - Overlay, Tursiops
11 - 4 - A is for Adam, Ishy
10 - 5 - Judgement Dave, Michael Monkhouse
6 - 6 - 404NotFound
5 - 7 - Lee, Pingl, Shandonbelle, Tuumble, Sootyj
1 - 8 - DubiousG, Stylee Ting Ting, Steve Sunshine

Not sure if this, is explained right but here goes :

Internal - Bedroom - Night

Husband and wife in bed - Wife is reading 50 shades of grey - Husband is on a laptop

Wife places one hand underneath the blankets and in between her legs, her hand strokes up and down

Husband looks at wife, in a naughty way, and closes the laptop lid

Wife removes hand from underneath the blanket and turns the page of the book with her wet finger

A Doctors Office in Harley Street. Dr Greed presses a button on his intercom.

Receptionist - Dr Greed Mr Thigh is here for your 2.20

Dr Greed - Send him in

Mr Thigh enters

Dr Greed - Ah good morning. How can I help you Mr Thigh

Mr Thigh - Well Dr to cut straight to the chase I want a sex change operation.

Dr. Greed - I see. Well firstly Mr Thigh I would like to tell you the feelings you are having are not unusual, many men, even in later life decide they would be more comfortable in the body of a woman...

Mr Thigh - No you misunderstand Dr I want a sex change to a man.

Dr Greed - A man ? But Mr Thigh you are already a man.

Mr Thigh - That is correct.

Dr Greed - Well I may be getting confused, but how do you propose I change your sex from a man to a man.

Mr Thigh - Well I thought you could whip the old todger off and replace it with another one.

Dr Greed - With another one?

Mr Thigh - Yes a longer one, one of massive girth and power,a big bouncing sausage of love, a humongous apendage, a tower block of naughtiness, a great big giant python of a....

Dr Greed - Ah I see, I think I am beginning to see where your coming from. But where am I to get the appendage you ask for Mr Thigh?

Mr Thigh - Now come on Doc, I am sure you have your methods. I mean there are plenty of hearts, lungs and livers about, what happens to all the todgers?

Dr Greed - Do you know Mr Thigh that is a question I have never asked.

Mr Thigh - I mean money is no problem, I am willing to pay, as long as it's a big, long, broad, massive, a truly impressive one eyed....

Dr Greed - What is the problem with the penis you already have?

Mr Thigh - Its very disappointing, small and insignificant, nothing to write home about at all.

Dr Greed - I am afraid we simply do not offer the kind of service you require Mr. Thigh

Mr Thigh - Well what about a bionic one

Dr Greed - Doesn't exist I'm afraid

Mr Thigh - Pity. I was willing to pay up to £500,000.

Dr Greed - I think I have an idea. What if I turned you into a woman, left it a couple months and turned you back into a man?

Mr Thigh - With a massive one?

Dr Greed - Oh I'm sure we could manage that

Mr Thigh - Like an elephants trunk? I want something I can sling over my shoulder. A massive submarine of jiggliness...

Dr Greed - Shouldn't be a problem, I'll book you in for next week

Mr Thigh - Thank you Dr. Will it hurt?

Dr Greed - Oh yes I'm afraid so, in all honesty its a very painful procedure

Mr Thigh - Oh good.

CHAIR: Hello, everyone and welcome to the tenth meeting of our discussion group; and I'd like to extend a particularly warm welcome to Heather, who's joining us for the first time. Heather, I think you'll find us a, a, a, a friendly bunch, err, so just feel free to jump in with whatever thoughts you may have, don't be shy. We do argue hard, sometimes, but we're all here for the love of art and literature.

[Light chuckles, and general murmurings of approval from ARTHUR, and JUDITH. HEATHER smiles nervously.]

So this week's selection was, for my money, one of the finest of the novels we have discussed so far, but of course that's open to our usual healthy debate! Arthur, the narrative from the point of view of the central character was particularly moving, would you agree?

ARTHUR: [Brief thought] I did react very strongly to the coming of age story; there was a great sense of regret, and self-sacrifice as they tried unsuccessfully to define their role in a society so dominated by the powerful antagonistic influences on every side.

JUDITH: Mmmm. The depth of character was exemplary. All the actions were so raw and provocative. Pained, at times - one felt a palpable sense of not being able to break free, to communicate with the world at large.

HEATHER: Yeah, especially in chapter 4.

CHAIR: Chapter 4...?

HEATHER: The, err, the...

[Blank looks all round]

The aggressive, err, congress.

[Still blank]

The rape.

ARTHUR: Oh. I suppose there may have been a subtle suggestion of -

HEATHER: Not that subtle. Chapter 4. Really...rapy.

JUDITH: OK, OK, what I think Heather is trying to say, is that she felt the narrator's emotional boundaries were being violated... [Nods from CHAIR and ARTHUR]

[HEATHER has been flipping through the book and reads aloud]

Heather: "Chapter 4. Chrystal had thought about phoning her mother all morning. She looked at the phone, considering that awkward call. But then Rod f**ked her up the arse."

CHAIR: Do I take it you detect a metaphorical suggestion of...

HEATHER: No. No, not metaphorical. Gynaecological. At times, biologically unfeasible.

ARTHUR: We might be in danger of focussing too deeply on one passage -

HEATHER: [Flicking on a few pages, then reading] "Chrystal thought about quiet Sundays with her grandfather in the Rhonda valley. The musty smell of his pipe, the low murmur of Songs Of Praise on the television, the moist battenburg and the milky tea. Then she stopped, because she was being raped. Again."

CHAIR: I, err, I must admit, I don't recall every detail - when one reads a book in a week, one must necessarily swallow it whole without tasting every flavour. I think Dr Johnson said something similar.

ARTHUR: Quite. Can we not move on from one little event in Chapter...4 was it? I confess I don't recall it, either, and I feel we're missing an important overview.

HEATHER: Chapter 4, yes. And 6. 7,8,9. Twice in 10 and 11. No rape in 12, granted, but she does suck off that Iranian midget.

JUDITH: I'll be honest, I don't remember any of that.

HEATHER: Aaaagh! What's wrong with you people? It's rape crazy, this book. Rape rape rape like there's no tomorrow. How can you not have noticed the almost incessant rape? Every third word is "rape"! And most of the others are "anal". It's all about bloody rape!

CHAIR: [Pause] Well. Strong words, there. Perhaps, Heather, it would be best if we could avoid too much, um, um ,um, tension on your first meeting; perhaps we might leave this discussion for another day. Let's open the wine and move on to tonight's film. Arthur?

ARTHUR: Yes, quite. I have here a spanking new print of the classic Battleship Potemkin. What say you we settle down and watch this masterpiece one more time?

[Agreement all round]

HEATHER: OK. Sorry about all that.

CHAIR: No problem. Eisenstein's editing is just incredible.

[Sound of film starting on unseen TV screen. Gulls and sea sounds. Suddenly, they are overlaid by wah wah guitar, and we hear two men grunting, clearly having bad gay porn sex]

SAILOR: [On DVD, Russian accent] I'm going to rape you Ivan, you dirty sailor.

HEATHER: Oh, this is ridiculous! [She leaves in a huff. The others shrug and carry on watching, we hear the sounds of rough sex, lots of grunting and physical movement]

SAILOR 2: [On DVD, Russian accent] Ugh! Take me, Kirov! Oh, Kirov, watch out for that pram. [Clattering noise]

INT. NIGHT. MUSIC SHOW.

PRESENTER NICK STACK IS INTRODUCING HIS GUESTS.

NICK:
Today is indeed a rare and unique occasion as for the first time in over twenty years we have with us now all members of prog-rock legends, the masters of the mysterious, not just sex symbols but sex gods even though you would never think it to look at them now, the one and only; The Moon King!

They, of course need no introduction but I'm going to give you one anyway.

PAN TO EACH INDIVIDUAL MEMBER AS HE IS INTRODUCED.

NICK:
Lead singer, band leader, leader of men, lover of women, the mysterious and charismatic frontman Keith Weltron;

Original drummer who claimed to have tiny drum-kits in each ear and one in his nostril, sex symbol Tony Losant. Just to clarify I made a joke there. When I call him a sex symbol I'm actually saying 'cymbal' as in the drumming instrument, because he is a drummer you see.

(Sniggers to himself)

NICK(CNTD):
Back up drummer and all round sexy man Gary Yeast.

GARY APPEARS FROM BEHIND TONY.
Bass legend who could play notes so low it would set girls shins and other things all a-quiver, karma sutra aficionado Pete Carson;

The axe-man who also played lead guitar, known for his amazing and unique solos one of which lasted 9 days and not all were guitar solos either if you know what I mean. The late great Mitch Anderson!

MITCH WAVES HIS HAND IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT.

NICK:
Now we have a special treat for you tonight. We are going to have a detailed interview with the band before they play a couple of their classics including Stingraven, There Go My Legs, Cat Chestnut and The Time That Land Forgot, but first let me give you a brief history of the band.

Formed in 1965 they found it difficult to settle on a name. Originally known as Fair Fairy, then Care Beary, Care Scary, The Machine, Notes to Earth, The Boys Who Fell from Earth, The Boys Who Never Fell, Moon Not Earth, Call of the Startlers, The Startlers and King Startle before finally settling on The Moon King in 1968.

In just three years they had found their name. Now all they had to do was write songs and record them.

The bands first three albums all entered the top ten but by late '71 cracks were beginning to form in the front room of Keith Weltrons house. When none of the other members offered to help him fix it, Weltron grew disillusioned with the band and by May '72 he had left to forge a solo career.

Two years later that was no more after he split up with himself.

Gary Yeast became a backing drummer after Tony Losant went cymbal-blind due to an overdose of tin. Sharing an on-stage stool, Yeast would hit the cymbals that Losant couldn't see.

In '74 Mitch Anderson attempted to leave the band for the second time forgetting that he had already left it three months before.

This just left bassist Pete Carson remaining in the original band. The other four members reformed as a new band and asked Carson to join but they had no name and had to disband.

THE BAND ARE NOW ALL SET UP AT THEIR INSTRUMENTS. GARY YEAST IS SITTING ON TONY LOSANT'S LAP BEHIND THE DRUMS. BOTH MEN ARE HOLDING A PAIR OF DRUMSTICKS.

NICK (EXCITEDLY):
And so without further ado it's-it's finally time for the one and only...it's...our time is up!

CREDITS BEGIN TO ROLL.

THE BAND IS FURIOUS AND LEAVES THE STAGE OMINOUSLY APPROACHING THE PRESENTER.

NICK:
Give it up one more time for The Moon Kin-

THE BAND ALL JUMP ON HIM AND HE DISAPPEARS BELOW THE CAMERA.
HE REAPPEARS, BEDRAGGLED WITH HANDS CLASPED AROUND HIS NECK.

NICK:
Goodniiii-

HE SALUTES THE CAMERA AND IS AGAIN DRAGGED FORCEFULLY DOWNWARDS.

END.

INT. SHOP. DAY.

WE SEE TWO MIDDLE AGED WOMEN, MAGGIE AND SUE, STANDING BEHIND A COUNTER. MAGGIE IS READING A MAGAZINE.

MAGGIE:
What do you think about Tantra?

SUE:
It's a harmless part of childhood, isn't it?

MAGGIE:
What?

SUE:
Show me a child who hasn't had a tantrum at some point.

MAGGIE:
No, Tantra. Tantric sex. It's spiritual, apparently.

SUE:
It's disgusting, is what it is. Sex has nothing to do with spirituality. As far as I'm concerned, the police should put a stop to such perversion.

MAGGIE:
I'm sure they'd like to, but they'd be nothing without Sting.

A CUSTOMER APPROACHES THE COUNTER.

MAGGIE:
How can I help you sir?

CUSTOMER:
Can you tell me where I'd find a dildo?

MAGGIE:
Yes dear, new or refurbished?

CUSTOMER:
New.

MAGGIE:
They're downstairs on the left, next to the nipple clamps. Which, by the way, are buy one get one free.

CUSTOMER WALKS DOWNSTAIRS.

SUE:
You should stay away from those Tantric deviants. You've got your reputation to think about.

END

SPARE PRICK AT A WEDDING

CHURCH, 'Here Comes The Bride'...

PRIEST Dearly beloved, and you over there, we are gathered here today to celebrate the holy matrimony of Taylor Dean and Pat Dickinson... Taylor, do you take Pat to be your husband? Do you promise to be true to him in good times and in bad, to love him and honor him all the days of your life?

TAYLOR I do.

PRIEST Pat, do you take Taylor to be your husband too? Do you promise to be true to him in good times and in bad, to love him and honor him all the days of your life?

PAT Trust me Squire.

PRIEST Then repeat after me: I, Taylor, take you, Pat, for my lord bum-humper, to shaft and to boff, from this gay fairy, to bugger or to serve, for bitches or whorers, your thickness in my tush, till smeg makes us fart.

TAYLOR Same ass. I mean as.

PRIEST Now place your ring on his finger, it won't be the first time, and... Oh God I can't do this, it's disgraceful...

TAYLOR But...

PRIEST No buts!

PAT Shame, I was looking forward to them.

PRIEST Begone ye filthsome heathen infidel! Ye appall me with thy horrendous habits, abject abnormality, perverse pillow-biting! Get thee out and don't come back! I represent the wholesome, the hale, the healthy, away with thee vile scum...

They leave.
Pause.

PRIEST Ah Tommy, just you at Sunday School today, mmmmm....

I vote for Pingl. Not really sure about the ending, but the way Mr Thigh says "massive girth and power" made me giggle.

My vote goes to Stylee TingTing, and not because he voted for me (thanks by the way, and I think you are right just the woman would do) but because I could see the Daleks banging away and I liked the e-jac-u-late bit

It was between Dubious and Gappy, I'll go for gappy because a porn version of Battleship potemkin made me laugh and I liked the dirty sailor line.

I thought Pingls last line was excellent and I liked styllietingtings daleks getting it on but my vote goes to Mr. Monkhouse. Some great lines.

I liked Pingl's and Stylee's efforts but my vote has to go to Carlos Manwelly.

Stylee for me.