EXT. I'm a Celebrity style studio in a jungle canopy.
Ant and Dec appear in shot, walking in from the right.
GRAMS. I'm a celeb jingle
ANT:
Hello and welcome to I'm a Tory MP get me out of here.
DEC:
The show in which we challenge conservative members of parliament to live in the jungle for up to three weeks...
ANT:
...and then sadly let then back out to resume their jobs.
DEC:
Firstly tonight we take a look at last night's bush-tucker trial, where Quentin Fotherington-Smythe was competing for meals for the camp.
[Cut to jungle clearing]
GRAMS. I'm a celeb jingle
Ant, Dec, and Quentin are standing in the clearing.
DEC:
So you've been selected by the public vote to undertake this challenge to earn meals for your camp. Are you nervous?
QUENTIN:
I'm somewhat apprehensive. What do I have to do?
ANT:
Well, behind you, you can see several cubicles with curtains covering them. Behind each one is either a working class person or someone on benefits. They each have a star somewhere on their person. Your task is to retrieve the star from each person and each star represents one meal for camp.
DEC:
There is also a bonus star which, if you get all three other stars, you can gamble for a meal for everyone in camp. Are you ready to begin.
QUENTIN:
The working class, that was my biggest fear, I'm fine with eating kangaroo testicles, we did it regularly in the Bullingdon Club but was hoping I wouldn't get this challenge. I'll give it a try though.
ANT:
What a great sport. OK behind the first curtain is a builder from Wolverhampton. You need to locate the star and retrieve it.
The curtain is drawn back and we see a man with his back to us, his trousers hare half way down his arse and the star is poking out from his arse crack.
Quentin approaches the man and hesitantly grabs the star.
DEC:
Well done that's one star, are you ready for your next challenge?
QUENTIN:
Yes, I'm ready.
DEC:
Behind curtain number two we have Betty, a woman from Stroud who is on disability living allowance.
The curtain is drawn back on the second cubicle and we see an elderly woman in a wheelchair. Quentin immediately approaches the woman, pushes her out of the cubicle and tips her out of the wheelchair. He grabs the star from the seat of the wheelchair.
ANT:
That's good, two out of three, are you ready for the third challenge?
QUENTIN:
Yes, Yes, get on with it.
DEC:
Behind curtain number three we have Candy, a prostitute from King's Cross
The third curtain is drawn back revealing a young woman in high heels, fishnets, a mini skirt and low cut top.
QUENTIN:
Hi Candy, fancy seeing you here.
Quentin approaches the young woman and immediately shoves his hand up her skirt, he gives a quick twist and pulls downward coming away with the star.
ANT:
Well that's three out of three, now the big question is, do you want to take the gamble and ris all three stars for a big feast for everyone in camp?
QUENTIN:
Yes I'll go for it.
DEC:
Ok for the final challenge you will need this
Dec hands Quentin a five pound note.
DEC:
Behind the final curtain is a Big Issue seller, the star is inside the big issue, all you need to do is hand him the five pound note and say "keep the change" and he will give you the magazine containing the star and you will all eat well tonight in camp. Do you understand?
QUENTIN:
I understand, this is going to be tough.
The curtain is drawn back and a scruffy man is standing there with a Big Issue magazine. Quentin slowly approaches holding the fiver in front of him.
QUENTIN:
Kee... Keep th... Keep the ch... Kee..... Keep the chan.. Kee.
Quentin runs towards the man, knees him in the crotch, the man falls to the floor, Quentin starts kicking him.
QUENTIN:
[As he is kicking the man in the ribs]
You Oik! You pleb! You useless worthless scrounger!
Several people rush in and drag him away from the man, restraining him.
ANT:
Ah, bad luck you lost the gamble, I'm afraid your camp will go hungry tonight.
QUENTIN:
I think not, I went to Eton and Cambridge with your producer. The Foie gras starter is already being served.
