British Comedy Guide

James Bonged Returns. To Hobbiton.

james bonged walked into the office . '' hello james , where have you been ? '' purred the voice from behind the desk .
'' ahh , miss funnyfanny ... I have been in jordan , trapped in a dark hole , covered in slime , filth and muck with noxious smells penetrating every pore of my body , trying to find a way out where dozens have tried , but few have succeeded ! ''
'' james , how many times have I told you , she is called katie price these days !! '' said funnyfanny . '' anyway , go in , the old man is expecting you ''
bonged opened the door to m's office and strolled in .
'' bonged , your late ! '' said m
'' a wizard is never late , he arrives precisely when he means to'' said bonged.
'' I have told you before bonged , you are not a wizard , you are an agent of her majesties government , you are NOT gandalf !''
'' sorry m , I guess those films were hobbit forming '' quipped bonged .
'' very droll 007 , now down to business . it turns out that the lord of the rings was actaully a documentary , albeit a very long and expensive one , and that through an unexplained plot twist we have become involved at the very beggining of the plot ! we are teaming you up with a hobbit task force as they are rather 'short' of agents at this time . we have recieved reports that a supervillain called saurass has a weapon of mass destruction , and is planning to commit mass mordor with it !''
'' ha ! '' said bonged '' good one !''

only short I know ...who wants me to continue ? was bored again....seems if I sit here watching enough rubbish on TV that my mind clicks in to gear ...weird ! done this in 10 minutes ...should I devote myself to sitting down for a couple of weeks to flesh something like this out ? don't want to devote a lot of time to something if others don't find it funny...but am sure there is a parody lurking in my brain somehwere ! anyway , enough rambling ..

Write a sketch in which James Bond thinks he's a wizard, that's a funny idea. The rest of it, I'm afraid, is hackneyed or directly lifted.

Also, if your method of writing prose is to put "he said" after each line, cut your losses and write a script. ;)

lifted ??????? sorry , that is not my style , anything I write comes from my own fuddled brain ....if something similar has been written , then I have not seen it :)

I hit the first two cliches and gave up.

Using old jokes never works.

Punctuate young man, punctuate!

Quote: slarnder @ November 10 2012, 4:22 PM GMT

lifted ??????? sorry , that is not my style , anything I write comes from my own fuddled brain ....if something similar has been written , then I have not seen it :)

Miss Funnyfanny was Russ Abbott's joke. If you've not heard of them, fair enough, but I'm afraid his Basildon Bond sketches were very popular in the 80s.

No change in content, but a 10-minute go-over.

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James bonged walks into the office, where Miss FunnyFanny is sitting behind her desk.

Miss Funny Fanny (purring): "Hello James, where have you been?".

James Bonged: "Ahh, Miss FunnyFanny... I have been in Jordan, trapped in a dark hole, covered in slime, filth and muck with noxious smells penetrating every pore of my body, trying to find a way out where dozens have tried, but few have succeeded!".

Miss Funny Fanny "James, how many times have I told you, she is called Katie Price these days! Anyway, go in, the old man is expecting you".

James Bonged opens the door to M's office, and strolls in.

M: "Bonged, you're late!".

James Bonged: "A wizard is never late. He arrives precisely when he means to".

M: "I have told you before Bonged, you are not a wizard. You are an agent of Her Majesty's government, not Gandalf!".

James Bonged: "Sorry M. I guess those films were hobbit forming!".

M: "Very droll 007. Now down to business. It turns out that the Lord of the Rings was actually a documentary, albeit a very long and expensive one, and that through an unexplained plot twist we have become involved at the very beggining of the plot! We are teaming you up with a hobbit task force as they are rather short of agents at this time. We have recieved reports that a supervillain called Saurass has a weapon of mass destruction, and is planning to commit mass Mordor with it!"

James Bonged: "Ha! Good one!".

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