INT. BSG CENTRAL - MIDNIGHT
LEEVIL, A COOL LOOKING DUDE, DANCES ABOUT TO PASS THE TIME.
THE PHONE BEGINS TO RING, HE ANSWERS IT.
LEEVIL
Hello?(Beat)Yeah.(Beat)Yeah.(Beat)You coming over now?(Beat)You're walking up to the door?
THERE'S A KNOCKING AT THE DOOR.
LEEVIL(CON'T)
You're knocking at the door?
LEEVIL WALKS OVER TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT.
LEEVIL(CON'T)
Thank God you're here!
(Someone continue the scene)
JUDE
Hi Leevil, I’ve come about your cock.
LEEVIL
You’d better come in.
INT. BSG CENTRAL - MIDNIGHT
JUDE WALKS IN DRESSED IN FULL-ON GOTH GEAR.
LEEVIL
The thing is, it’s getting a bit of a reputation. It's even had a thread of it’s own!
JUDE
Sounds a bit frisky to me. Perhaps you could train it?
JUDE PASSES A CARD TO LEEVIL WITH “COCK-TRAINER (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED) TELE: **** ******” PRINTED ON IT.
JUDE
Just call that number and you’ll have no complaints.
LEEVIL
I’ve never heard of a cock trainer before.
JUDE LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW.
JUDE
Hey Leevil?
LEEVIL
Yeah?
JUDE
There’s someone walking around the back of BSG Central...
LEEVIL
What do they look like?
JUDE
It’s hard to tell...
THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
(Someone continue the scene)
LEEVIL opens the door. A policeman stands there holding a cock on his hands.
POLICEMAN:
Sir, is this your cock?
LEEVIL:
Oh my god. What happened?
POLICEMAN:
I caught this disgusting woman her trying to put a condom over it's head.
Policeman leans over and pulls in XXXX from offscreen
(Someone else continue the story)
'Yes my name is Melanie C so you don't have to beat any more.'
Gav pushes past Mel C carrying a case of beer. Unshaved but sport a rather cool hair do.
Gav
Move Mel C. Jesus. What's Up Leevil Man.
Looking at the policeman holding a cock.
Gav
What the -?
(BEAT)
Gav looks around. Jude appears in full goth gear
Gav
What the F**k?
Leevil
Well I was bored so Jude came over, and then this douche came over with a cock wanting to know was it mine then you came in, hey is one of those going free?
Gav
No they aint going free. Now go sort your cock out! and close that bloody door, its a full moon and f**k knows what'll wander in off the streets.
(Someone else continue the story)
Enter a distraught looking man, Mr Salami.
SALAMI:
Lee? Lee!
LEE:
Why it's Mr Salami!
JUDE:
Who's Mr Salami, Lee?
LEE:
He's... He's....
JUDE/POLICEMAN/GAV/MEL C:
Yes?
LEE:
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) My father!
JUDE/POLICEMAN/GAV/MEL C:
(UNDERWHEMED) Oh.
SALAMI:
You see I bought Mrs Salami a box as a wedding present.
LEE:
Why?
SALAMI:
Because if I didn't that would mean you'd be a bastard for the rest of your life. Obviously. Anyway, when I tried to put my cock in her box, I found that her box was too big for my cock and it kept slipping out.
JUDE:
Does this mean you're a bastard, Lee?
SALAMI:
It's been so awful because every time I thought I managed to get my cock in my grip it was too wild to control. It kept jerking up and dowm like the untamed beast that it is. Mrs Salami told me to stop stroking it or else I might end up straining myself.
POLICEMAN:
So Lee REALLY is a bastard then, is he?
SALAMI:
(SADLY) If only I hadn't of kept trying to shove my small cock into Mrs Salami huge box then who knows what might have been.
LEE:
Wipe those tears from your eyes for as you can see, your cock is safe and sound and has been giving all of us a whole lot of pleasure. Isn't that right everyone?
MEL C:
F**k me, Lee really IS a bastard!
GAV:
(EXCITEDLY) Yes, but that aside, Mr Salami's cock has pleasured me so much that I've named it Roger.
EVERYONE:
Roger the cock!
(Someone else continue the story)
A continue from the 1st post read yours Gavin after posting this. Sorry
Charley
Hi Leevil I have come to measure your tongue, with my labia lips.
Leevil
Oh wow! Phwoar! Cor! (Comes already)
Charley
Oh Dear! Never mind. (Sighs sadly)
Leevil
Wanna go again.
Charley
Well we did not realy go the first time now did we, but hey, yes lets do it.
Leevil
Oooooooops. (comes again)
Charley
Dear oh Dear oh dear! Maybe if I blindfold you. That way you cant see my beauty and may be able to hold out for a minute.
(Lays on the floor, gestures for leevil to kneel down then wraps her legs tightly around his head)
Leevil
(Muffled) Cant breathe
Charley
Nearly there.
Leevil
(Muffled) Dying
Charley
There we go. Fankoo.
Charley walks out of the room. Leevil, still on his knees starts to cry & howl.
Leevil
Pawease dont go. I wub you I do.
Gav sit in the corner drinking beer, watching Charley antic unfold.
GAV
Well that's odd, I havent seen Lee cry like that since David sat on his hampster.
GAV(V.O)
mmm Jude looks pretty cute in that Goth gear.
Jesus burst into the HQ soaked from head to toe his robes ripped, Jesus gasps as he talks.
Jesus
The dam has broken me and tony hawk tried to hold back the water by making a giant half pipe so Tony could battle the ferioues water but it was to much even for his incredible 360 reverse Tail grab and he was swept away.
(Continue)
Gavin
To where did Tony Hawk get swept.
Jesus
Into the dirty water.
Leevil
(Giggles). Ooops sorry I came again. Its more dirty water. Poor Tony will drown.
Jesus
Not if I can help it. God. Oiiiiiiiiii God!! Where are you.
God
I am here Jesus. I am watching Tony struggle for life in the dirty water. It is f**king Hilarious.
Leevil
Oooooooops. And again. Stop it.
GOD
Oh I cannot believe this Craig Bailey has just picked up Tony halk in his F1 Powerboat. Son of a bitch! this is all your fault Mel C!!
A bolt of lightning comes down from the heavens and turns mel C into a mole. Craig Bailey pulls up in his boat and drops of tony hawk Charley claps exicitedly.
Charley
oooooo another man for me to play with!!
Jesus
You know I am here to?
Charley
Meh. What can you do
Jesus
Water into Wine! pull fish from my sleeve, loads of fish enough fish o feed a orphanage...
Gav
(Slightly Drunk)
WHY DONT YOU MARRY THE ORPHANAGE SINCE YOU LOVE IT SO MUCH!
God
I have a wonderfull set of balls. (Pulls up his floor length gown and shows everyone)
Jesus
Oh God! That is dirrrrrrrrrrrrty.
Gavin
Very nice set.(Hiccups)
Charley
What a load of Bollox.
Leevil
Oooooops! Please stop.
Earman enters and takes a look at , God, Jesus, Charley, Gavin and Leevil.
EARMAN:
F*ck This!
Earman leaves.
Next Scene:
INT: BATHROOM - DAY
CAMERA IS LOOKING FROM BEDROOM INTO EN-SUITE BATHROOM. WE SEE THE SHOWER SCREEN. WATER RUNS DOWN AND STEAM RISES FROM ABOVE THE GLASS. CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL CHARLEY IN A PINK DRESSING GOWN. WE SEE LEEVIL VIEWED FROM BEHIND FINISHING HIS SHOWER. HE TURNS THE TAP OFF.
AS HE GETS OUT OF THE SHOWER WE SEE CHARLEY GASP:
CHARLEY:
L-l-l eevil. It's you. We thought you'd been abducted by space aliens at the end of last season.
LEEVIL:
Hey relax Charley. That was all a dream. I've been here all the time.
(Anybody fancy carrying on, but be aware this plot means that you've lost the trust of the audience. It could all be uphill from here)
CHARLEY
But now you’re far too clean. Get back in and get dirrrrrty!
LEEVIL GETS BACK IN AND TURNS THE SHOWER ON. THE WATER TURNS RED.
CHARLEY LAUGHS. LEEVIL SCREAMS. JUDE WALKS IN.
JUDE
He’s done it! That Jesus guy’s turned all the water into wine!
LEEVIL
Jesus! I thought it tasted strange.
JUDE
It’s Merlot.
CHARLEY
Can he do Pino Grig?
JUDE
Yeah, cold tap in the kitchen.
CHARLEY
Fankoo, where’s Gav?
JUDE
Just uncapped the JD with God.
LEEVIL
How am I going to get this off?
CHARLEY
Try the cold tap, but you’ll still be a bit sticky.
LEEVIL SNIGGERS. THE DOORBELL RINGS.
JUDE
I wonder who that could be?
(Someone continue the scene)
GAV COMES INTO THE BATHROOM.
GAV
Jesus don't any of you lock the door??
JUDE
I thought you were drinking with God?
GAV
Yeah well I'm back, God's wasted and keeps crying about some chick he got up the duff up in the olden days.
JUDE
Why didn't you get the door on your way past?
GAV
Look I don't tell you how to run your life ok? I just wanna drop some baggage then get then hell outta 'what ever' is going on in here.
The door bell rings again
GAV
What you wanna watch me go? Get outta here!
THE BATHROOM DOOR SLAMS CHARLEY, LEEVIL ARE IN DRESSING GOWNS JUDE STANDS ARMS FOLDED.
JUDE
Jackass!