Sorry Charley, I thought it was...phones ringing back in ten minutes
Warzone Page 2
Who was on the phone?
Maybe it twas a perv.
Just finished it. It was good but wheres the conflict? 
There were some very funny lines and I think if the right actors were involved this could be a very funny show. The dialogue was good and realistic (sort of), I like the way that it is pushed beyond where a couple would go like the screwing my sister bit.
I would say theres room for more jokes but it depends what sort of show you are aiming for. If you are happy and confident with the jokes that you take a couple of lines to set up then I would leave it.
Its very good as a pilot as it introduces the characters, although I don't think the audience are told their names, without being obvious and the story arc for the series is seamlessly stated.
It needs some work with the reformatting and maybe some dialogue but I liked it. Well done Chavid and Chance
Fankoo AJP.
It needs some re-writing. David is doing it now. Or he had better be.
Lazy fooker he is
The Lazy Fooker has timed it but found it's not long enough - well not long enough for Charley anyway.
I've restructured it a bit but sent it to Charley for her OK first.