No Dear not a Lioness

INT
Granny (knitting) and her 5 year old grandchild Alice have just finished watching The Lion King.
Alice turns to her Granny. (Whom she calls Nonny)

Alice
Nonny, my friend Katie said that when we die, we can choose what animal we come back as.
I choose a Lioness

Nonny
(knitting)You don't want to be a lioness dear. You will be better off as a lion.

Alice
Ewwwww I don't want to be a boy. Yuuuuuuuuuk. I want to be a girly lioness.

Nonny
No dear you don't.

Alice
I do

Nonny
No dear you really don't......Let me explain

NONNY PUTS THE KNITTING DOWN & TAPS THE SPACE NEXT TO HER ON THE COUCH? ALICE JUMPS UP AND THEY TURN TO FACE EACH OTHER.

Nonny (cont'd)
Real life as a Lioness is not like It is in the Lion King Dear. Firstly you will fall in love with a big strong male lion. He will impregnate you & while you are pregnant with many multiples he will force polygamy onto you.

Alice
What's poly gammy?

Nonny
It is where a male has many wives. So you need to share him with several other females.
If your lucky you might get one friendly one, but the likelihood is, they will mostly all be wretched bitches to you.

Alice
Oh

Nonny
Anyway Dear, as a female, even when pregnant with 7 or more babies, you will be expected to do EVERYTHING! You have to look after the other females and their babies. Hundreds of them and you have to do all the stalking and catching of prey for the dinner.

Alice
But Nonny surely the big strong lion does that!

Nonny
No Dear. He does sweet F A. He sits and waits for his dinner knife and fork in hand, while you and the other females run about sweating and stinking, like unwashed twats, chasing this and killing that, to the point of sheer exhaustion.

Alice
Oh

Nonny
Even when you finally catch your gazelle or Zebra or whatever his majesty had demanded that day, you and the other females and their cubs, will barely get a mouthful before That lazy good for nothing ugly old lion roars over and tells you all to fook off!  Very meanacingly like. (Nonny ROOOOOARS) Maybe you will get lucky and he will leave you something.........like.....a tooth!

Alice
Oh

Nonny
Then you will go into labour, under a hot burning sun & with no pain relief at all. Just as one baby pops out, you will be pumping and pushing out another, then another, then another, then another, then just when you think your finally over the trauma, You'l pop out another then another and another.
Then 3 seconds after giving birth HE will expect you to go get his dinner again. So with a sore hoohaa, boobies full, tender and dragging on the ground, off you will go again. seveny thousand babies screaming after you.

Alice
Oh

Nonny
Thats not the worst of it Dear

Alice
its Not!!!

Nonny
No Dear! You see, that unfaithful useless good for nothing male lion has one unselfish job to do. Just the one. All he has to do is protect his family from sexual and murderous predators. Thats all. Just one tiny little job. Now he may have done this job a few times but after two, three years at most, two bigger, younger and more mean lions will come by and he will take one look at them, scream like a girl and bolt into the wilderness.

Alice
He will?

Nonny
Yes Dear. He will.
He will run like the big ol scaredy pussy he is and leave all his wives and children to fend for themselves. Those big mean lions are going to kill all those cubs you birthed and hold down all the females, bite their necks and rape them, against their will.

Alice
(Starts to cry) He will.

Nonny
Yes Dear. The next thing you know you will be pregnant with their multiples and so the circle of life continues.

Alice
But what about my babies. Lionel, Liona and the rest of them?

Nonny
Dead Dear. Savaged to death then eaten to death.

Alice
(Cries)

Nonny
Sorry to burst your bubble Dear, but Nonny vowed to be open and honest to her grandchildren, not like she was with your daddy and your Uncle Jack. Nonny doesn't do lies anymore, like their being a tooth fairy or a Santa Claus

Alice
There is no Santa!!!!!!!

Nonny
And the whole time you were watching Lion King, munching away like a greedy guzzler on your sarnie, laughing at Pumba as he trumped, well that bacon sandwhich was one of his relatives.

ALICE STARTS TO HEAVE

Nonny
So Dear, do you still want to be a lioness.

Alice
(Sobbing) No Nonny I do not. I want to be something that doesn't get bitten on the neck, raped and have her babies murdered. I want to be something that doesn't have to Work all day chasing dinner. I think I am going to ask to be a girly dolphin.

Nonny
No Dear, not a girly one. let me explain.........

END

A bit too meandering to totally work for me but some nice lines in there.

Liked this, but expected to find out what happened to Nonna's sons as a result of her protecting them from the truth- and what is she knitting? Is it an intricate scarf showing lion rape?

For me I think the defining line is humour and there is not enough in this to prevent it from coming across as what it really is and that's a very thinly disguised attack on men in general.

If you work on injecting much more humour it might work but at the moment for me it is coming across more as a snipe than a sketch.

That may be you intention and you may be a radical comedian I don't know?
But for general appeal it needs to come back a tad and if it is intended to be radical then drop the pretence and go vitriolic and it may work.

It's well written and well presented but for me it needs to be either softer or harder in order for it to work.

The dialogue and characters are very funny but don't quite compensate for the fact its sort f the same note through out and lakes a punch

I think if the little go keeps referring to the lion king and the gran corrects her ehilt accelerating the mean

The idea itself isn't too bad but it's meandering as mentioned and the hammering home of the joke reduces the humour. Also, I agree that it's a thinly veiled attack on men. Not necessarily a bad thing, but a lot of your sketches seem to paint men as lazy and selfish - it's a bit of a tired stereotype.

Nothing wrong with attacking men if its part of grannies charming nutiness.

I rather like the idea of an embittered old nan, maybe one who was a world war 2 whore seeing her biterness through the lens of kiddies films

Maybe forcing the girl to watch Vera Drake.

I could see this in an article in a magazine, though it needs trimming up a bit. Good comical observations which are mostly true

Thank you all for your comments and much appreciated advice.
It was not an attack on men. Merely the truth in Lion World. However the last line with the Dolphin was maybe a subtle dig

I am not anti men. They are a much needed member of society at the moment.
Hey I love men.

It was just after a real but less rapey convo I had with my own granddaughter after we watched the Lion King and based on what my own Nan would have stated.

This was a real toned down version as I am becoming less vile as I age.

Thanks again. X

PS LOL at AJGO. Nonny was knitting an electric chair to buzz around in. My nan knit everything.

Ben please don't take it so seriously. Men are too quick to look at everything as digs at them. It honestly is only based on the Lion World

With a wee dig, only a wee one at the end. Which again was based on the animal world, Not the human one. Anyway I don't take offence to any female related digs and there are plenty about. I am sure I could write one based on preference to a lioness but sadly there seems to be no such positives. *winks*

As others have said it's a bit long, but with a trim it could be very good. I like the idea of an granny whose so matter of fact about the world, could be a runner.

I hope you feel better for having got it off your chest Charlie