Your hobbies can teach you a great deal about yourself. The fisherman sitting by the river maybe expressing his desire; to be in quiet partnership with nature whilst at the same time hunting and mastering it; the woman who plants her own garden wants too to master (women nature?) nature but in her case to make something of beauty. And the man who likes to paint nudes? Well he probably just like to look at nude people in public (without getting arrested). But what do you make of someone who goes to a dingy pub, to make jokes in front of a disinterested audience? Why would anyone do it? I did it and I have no idea why. But even the strangest experience can teach you something; and here are some of the lessons that being a stand-up taught me.
1 You always bring yourself with you on the stage
When I first did stand up comedy I made the eccentric decision to do a course in stand-up. On that course amongst others; was an Australian lawyer. When we were at the pub at the end of the first day she tipped out her handbag on the table. Was she showing off her fine collection of tampons and lipsticks? Why was she dabbing up the white powder with her finger? Was that sugar? Oh she's dabbing it on her gums and cheering up now that makes sense....
8 weeks later in which she missed most of the classes and never made a joke, except one about being pissed on by a Koala and boy did she know a lot about being pissed. On the end of course performance night she walked on stage with a bottle of lager held loosely in her hand. Announced
"the thing about Londoners is...."
And then went silent for 5 long minutes, an expectant titter or 2 could be heard in the audience. Surely this was a build up to a mighty punch line?
Then she fell over and the nice compare helped her off stage.
Remember the spotlight adds nothing, it only illuminates what's already there.
2 If you can't win lose with dignity.
If you can't make people laugh then stand up comedy may well not be for you, or is this the case? Sometimes dignity can count for more; some people spend years on the circuit never being funny. But performing with politeness and dignity they sometimes win contests, get good gigs. In fact some of them even become quite famous, how many truly awful...but dignified comics do you see on the telly? But the mark of even the funniest comic is dignity, the ability to stand in front of a cold or even aggressively heckling audience and rise above them.
One evening I was at an open mike evening and an aggressive young fellow was making no headway with the audience. And then he made this joke
"everyone makes jokes on twitter, my granddad told me my grandmother had died by twitter joke"
Silence.
Deadening silence.
Papal funeral silence.
Then a young woman calls out.
"What was the joke?"
This not particularly great comic now explodes with rage.
"Tell you a joke? Tell you a joke?"
And then he makes the ultimate heckler put down he points the microphone at her.
"Why don't you come up here and make a joke!"
Silence then one person yells.
"She said what was your joke?"
Then a second voice, a third voice and soon the whole pub;
"She said what was your joke?"
People stub out cigarettes and come in from the beer garden to join in the hue and cry. Then from the street; joining in the chant, at some point the poor chap walked off the stage and out of this story. If you fail, fail with dignity because then you never really fail.
3 Be fearless.
What's the worst thing that'll happen with a bad gig? It's not like the audience are actually going to kill you are they? I used to say that. Well I've never actually met some one who was killed and obviously I wasn't killed myself (and no this isn't Sunset Boulevard). But I've met at least 2 comics who got beaten up, one who got a broken arm and 2 who were arrested; stand up comedy is not for the faint hearted.
So I'm doing a particularly fearsome gong night, where if the audience don't like you they boo you till you get gonged off. The beer glasses are plastic and emptying rapidly, the seats are screwed to the floor and filled with 500 people. Who after one minute are my elongated joke about a about an inappropriate relationship with a dog; are strangely quiet. Quiet like that bit in a Western when John Wayne knows the Apaches are about to storm over the hill.
At which point I hear a soft voice behind me going
"You disgusting beat, you foul bastard etc..."
I turn and look in the audience I see a troll in a dress that's been heckling me.
"Know what rohypnol tastes like?"
I ask
"No"
Says she
"Bet your boyfriend does"
Says I, audience explodes into laughter and I almost get 5 minutes. But victory is the site of her and her enormous boyfriend leaving in a huff. I left via the back door. He was a big fella drugged or otherwise.
4 Know when to quit
I gave up stand up comedy to concentrate on writing for 2 years after my second gig. It was after my second gig, which was in the back of beyond. I finished my gig, before an audience of zero (it was a football match on at the same time in the pub, talk about born under a bad star). Before finding out that the last train was in half an hour and the station was 2 miles away. The local bed and breakfast looked like the one people ignored in favour of the Bates Motel. So I ran, well I jogged sort of (I'm quite a big fella). I get to sight of the station and there is the train, ready to go. I just need to run down a hill down some stairs, up a stair case should take 15 minutes I have 5. I hurl myself down the hill, down the stairs, up the stairs and before I get to the train I lean over wheezing, sweating and resembling a rain cloud with a beard. Too exhausted to get on the train;
The train guard looks at me quizzically.
"I'm a standup comic" I say
At which he bursts out laughing. And I take a longish brake from stand up comedy.