Jimmy Saville - My own private investigation

I am currently writing a book which is essentially a diary / blog of my life.

I write it on the train each morning and started writing it to prove to that sleeping on trains is a waste of time.

It's called As They Slept and will be released on Friday 14th December 2012

Here is today's chapter

Wednesday 24th October 2012

Dreams are strange aren't they. Last night I decided to watch two programmes, back to back, centred around the vile man that was Jimmy Saville. The true extent of this mans evil is yet to be fully uncovered, but I would hope that the whole truth will be available by the time this book is printed. The two programmes had been recorded from the previous night.

There was a Newsnight programme, hosted by Jeremy Paxman, which essentially went on to slate the editor of the programme and then proceeded to interview the programmes' own journalists, reaffirming the point that Newsnights' editor was an idiot. It was a Newsnight special, about Newsnight; very strange indeed. It would be like a private investigator hiring himself to investigate his own private life.

The second programme was Panoramma, which also focussed on the same issues, but went into more detail about Jimmy Saville himself and how he could have possibly got away with it for so long. It finished by questioning whether senior bosses at the BBC, including the director general, were involved in a cover up. Two BBC programmes, aired at the same time, one on BBC 1, the other on BBC 2; both primarily focussed on criticising the BBC.

Whatever you think about the BBC, you have got to admire their balls.

So having watched both of these programmes back to back, relatively late last night, I inevitably started to dream about it. Last night I became the lead investigator in the case and it was down to me to get to the truth. I spent the whole night conducting interviews with BBC staff, including journalists, presenters, editors, producers and even the bloody security guard on the gate. I interviewed victims, witnesses, family members; I held press conferences, spoke to MP's and even took advice from the queen. This morning I am exhausted.

I'd like to say that that I cracked the case, but of course I didn't. While interviewing the staff at the BBC, the office I was in suddenly became a circus tent, the person I was speaking to suddenly turned into an orange and the paper I was writing on turned into a paper plane and flew away.

One minute I would be interviewing the director general at BBC headquarters, the next I would be interviewing a bloody orange in a circus tent. In truth, it really hindered my investigation, but, like all dreams, I never questioned it for a second. I was determined to get to the truth and if that had to come from a tangerine, then so be it.

Of course, like all dreams, it was just a jumbled up mess and none of it made any sense. I still woke up, tired and confused, convinced that I'd made some inroads and some of the leads were worth following up. I'm sure you've had the dream where you had won the lottery and you are convinced you will be able to recall at least some of the numbers.

"I'm sure there was a six, or was it a nine? I remember the number one, or was it eleven........"

The worst dream is the one about work. We've all had that dream where we spend the whole night dreaming about work. Tossing and turning all night long, work work work, only to wake up and have to do it all again, only for bloody real. Twenty four hours of non stop bloody work. So unfair.

The other dream I have regularly is the one where I am convinced I can remember it all, but can in fact remember nothing. I'll say to my wife

"I had a dream about us last night where we were in Paris"

"Really? What happened" she would ask

"Well you were there, only it wasn't you, it was someone else and we went to Paris, only it wasn't Paris, it was somewhere else ....."

Twenty minutes later and I am still trying to explain the "vivid" dream that I had had, with the only facts being that my wife was there but she wasn't and we went to Paris, but we didn't.

Popular dreams tend to focus on fantasy, so guys will often dream about playing up front for their favourite football team and girls will often dream about being a Princess and marrying a Prince. I've always wondered what footballers or Princesses dream about. Maybe they dream about driving a van or working in a shop?

Dreams offer an alternative reality and I think they are a good thing, even if that means I have to wake up every so often, wondering why my Doctor is the new Prime Minister.

As Gabrielle once famously sung, "Dreams can come true" so if you'll excuse me, I have some crucial leads to follow up on

Yeah, I like it but I'd edit it a bit to make it more punchy/snappy.

Also, unless you are deliberately parodying poor journalism, avoid massively sweeping statements, such as "we've all had that dream" or "as everybody knows" etc.

1) They are assumptions that cannot be backed up unless you survey everybody on the planet and they all agree with you; and

2) Instead of the reader following what you are saying, there is a chance they will drift off, thinking, "Have I had that dream? I can't remember having had that dream before. I've had one where I was eaten by an elephant..."

Without trying to be arsey, I realised that a) no, I haven't had that dream before and b) I wasn't paying attention to what you were saying. This caused me to have to stop and re-read.

This is the worst mistake a writer can make as the key is to keep the reader reading without causing them to stop or forcing them to have to do any work in order to understand what you are talking about (philosophical and similarly heavy tracts excepted). The eye must flow without pause from the top to the bottom.

This is actually the reason why typos, inconsistent style, poor punctuation and generally dodgy grammar are to be avoided. Not because they are wrong but because they are all potential obstacles to the free flow of the reader's eye. Not, I am glad to report, that you are guilty of such heinous transgressions.

Anyway, coming back to the generalisations, people who have never worked are also unlikely to have had that dream before. Even though you need to have a target reader in mind, don't assume that everyone who reads your material will think like you.

Otherwise, a nice piece of prose. I like the way you finish off by tying in the initial premise with the Gabrielle quote.

More importantly, I think you have a clear, coherent and likeable 'voice' and you generally sound comfortable speaking to the reader. Sounds pretentious I know but it's very important. I've personally put plenty of books down simply because after a few pages I've concluded that the author sounds like a tosser.

Generally, I like the concept behind the project and wish you well. However, you will have to ask yourself whether you are simply writing essays and if so why should someone publish/buy/read them.

Do you intend to involve action or develop some kind of theme that links all your pieces together? Will there be characters introduced? Who are they and why are they there?

Also, avoid going down the arty route of thinking 'this was the concept at the start and I'm not deviating from it'. It's very noble but shit if you want to get published.

Publishing is an industry despite all the flowery guff associated with it. Your book is a product; your agent/publisher is in business; you must make viable economic sense. Publishing is not a charity.

Once you have collated all your pieces, put them aside for a few weeks then read them all afresh in one go. Don't be afraid to edit the hell out of them (making sure you keep untouched original versions of course). Likewise, don't red-pen stuff simply for the sake of it. A good editor knows when not to edit.

A really good book to read is this: https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-NOT-Write-Novel-Published/dp/0141038543

Even if you don't intend to write a novel, it's full of very good advice by people who know what they are talking about from an industry-insider perspective. It's also very funny.

Having said all that, what are your eventual plans for the book? Are you thinking of getting it published or is it just a private project?

Good luck either way. If the former, make sure you format according to the industry standard. Otherwise a potential agent or publisher won't even look at your work. This is actually the biggest reason why manuscripts get rejected. Sad but true.

This guy here explains formatting very well: http://www.shunn.net/format/story.html

By the way, bear in mind that topical stories date. "Tomorrow's chip wrappers, Tom," as Roger Mellie might put it.

As such, will Jimmy Savile mean anything to readers in a few years to come? It's a big story now but so too was Rachman, Jeremy Thorpe and Isandlwana. Yet how many people these days have any idea who Norman Scott was?

Here's a clue: http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/99798/The-downfall-of-Jeremy-Thorpe

Quote: Ignatius Rake @ October 25 2012, 2:58 AM BST

Yeah, I like it but I'd edit it a bit to make it more punchy/snappy.

Also, unless you are deliberately parodying poor journalism, avoid massively sweeping statements, such as "we've all had that dream" or "as everybody knows" etc.

1) They are assumptions that cannot be backed up unless you survey everybody on the planet and they all agree with you; and

2) Instead of the reader following what you are saying, there is a chance they will drift off, thinking, "Have I had that dream? I can't remember having had that dream before. I've had one where I was eaten by an elephant..."

Without trying to be arsey, I realised that a) no, I haven't had that dream before and b) I wasn't paying attention to what you were saying. This caused me to have to stop and re-read.

This is the worst mistake a writer can make as the key is to keep the reader reading without causing them to stop or forcing them to have to do any work in order to understand what you are talking about (philosophical and similarly heavy tracts excepted). The eye must flow without pause from the top to the bottom.

This is actually the reason why typos, inconsistent style, poor punctuation and generally dodgy grammar are to be avoided. Not because they are wrong but because they are all potential obstacles to the free flow of the reader's eye. Not, I am glad to report, that you are guilty of such heinous transgressions.

Anyway, coming back to the generalisations, people who have never worked are also unlikely to have had that dream before. Even though you need to have a target reader in mind, don't assume that everyone who reads your material will think like you.

Otherwise, a nice piece of prose. I like the way you finish off by tying in the initial premise with the Gabrielle quote.

More importantly, I think you have a clear, coherent and likeable 'voice' and you generally sound comfortable speaking to the reader. Sounds pretentious I know but it's very important. I've personally put plenty of books down simply because after a few pages I've concluded that the author sounds like a tosser.

Having said all that, what are your eventual plans for the book? Are you thinking of getting it published or is it just a private project?

By the way, bear in mind that topical stories date. "Tomorrow's chip wrappers, Tom," as Roger Mellie might put it.

As such, will Jimmy Savile mean anything to readers in a few years to come? It's a big story now but so too was Rachman, Jeremy Thorpe and Isandlwana. Yet how many people these days have any idea who Norman Scott was?

View original

Thanks Ignatius Rake

Some really good feedback there thanks.

I totally agree with what you have said about assumptions. It annoys the hell out of me when I read things like that and I don't agree. I'll re-write that bit and make sure I don't do it anymore.

In terms of the advice re: current affairs and tomorrows chip paper, I couldn't agree more. I spent a whole chapter explaining why I wouldn't be doing that. I explained tha it dates the book and if the readers wanted to read about current affairs, they would be reading a newspaper. This one chapter was about a dream I had and I had to explain the context of the dream, so I had to slip in some "Current Affairs" I promise I won't make a habit of it.

Essentially, I will be self publishing. I be releasing Part 1 in the Kindle store and via Create Space on the 14th December. It costs virtually nothing, so has very little riskin terms of up front costs.

One of my strengths is in PR, so I have timed the release for the Christmas Kindle market and have a clear strategy in terms of pricing it very low and making sure I market it right. I have set up Facebook pages, designed flyers, written articles and blogs, organised some free advertising and have got my friends and family to agree to help publicise the book via their connections on Facebook and Twitter.

I am hoping that if I can ensure that it is extremely cheap, or even free, then people will come back and buy Parts 2, 3 and 4 which will be released in March, June and September, as well as a specially priced book that comprises the full year. I am more than happy to release part 1 for free, but Amazon only allow it to be free for a few days if you sign up to their book lending / library service.

The plan is, if I can get I sharpened up and edited correctly ready for the release date, that the readers of Part 1 will buy Parts 2, 3 and 4. While reading Part 1, it's likely that I will still be writing Part 2 and the same for parts 3 and 4.

I originally started the book because of a petty argument that I had on Facebook, where I argued that sleepng on trains was a waste of time and so promised to write a book to prove wha could be done.

I plan on asking one of those friends to write the foreward.

Hey Minty

I think your project sounds great and I very much like your writing.

Have sent you a PM.

It's a nice'ish idea but unfortunately it doesn't really go anywhere. I think you can probably get away with mental meanderings if you're a name already, but are people really going to read the meanderings of somebody they don't know?

If they are, you almost certainly need a better hook and a more interesting beginning. While the train thing is 'nice' it could just aswell be the thoughts of someone stood at a bus stop, or sitting in a chair.

It needs to be more lively and with a lot more happening, imo.

Quote: steven @ October 26 2012, 12:03 PM BST

It's a nice'ish idea but unfortunately it doesn't really go anywhere. I think you can probably get away with mental meanderings if you're a name already, but are people really going to read the meanderings of somebody they don't know?

If they are, you almost certainly need a better hook and a more interesting beginning. While the train thing is 'nice' it could just aswell be the thoughts of someone stood at a bus stop, or sitting in a chair.

It needs to be more lively and with a lot more happening, imo.

View original

Thanks Steven

You are probably right, who does want to read about about someone they don't know, talking about things you don't care about?

I enjoy writing it, so even if it sits on Kindle, read only by me and my family, then I'll still be happy with that. It is so cheap to self publish that it is worth the risk.

I do know though, that if marketed right, some people will take the plunge and read rubbish written by a nobody. I've done it myself many times. When I have run out of reading material I take to Kindle and download whatever is cheap.

It's a risky stratergy, which sometimes, just sometimes pays off.

You say it needs to be more lively with more happening but unfortunately I have gone the non fiction route of writing non fiction. I'd love to write about pink dragons and flying tigers, but unfortunately you have my boring life to read about instead.

Every day is different, so in case anyone is interested, here is a random one from a couple of weeks ago

Tuesday 16th October 2012

Last night I happened to catch an advert for the latest iPhone and it annoyed me. In case you are unfamiliar with the iPhone adverts, they essentially walk you through a few features or sometimes they will show you what can be done when you download certain apps. Want to tumble dry your washing while riding a bike, there's an app for that..... that kind of thing.

Yesterday's advert centred around the headphones and it went something like this. Everyone's ears are different, none of them are round, why would anyone possibly think of manufacturing round earphones, look at ours aren't they great, they are ear shaped.

A brilliant idea. Ear shaped earphones. Well done Apple. The thing is, before they came up with the ear shaped earphone, they were selling their products complete with the terribly old fashioned round earphones. So, effectively, their new marketing campaign is saying..... Look, I know we were lazy before, pedalling our product with inferior spherical shaped accessories, but look, we've finally bothered to look at the issue and we think we've sorted it out.

Strange isn't it that they are quite happy to create a marketing campaign that effectively points out that they got it wrong before. You only have to look at how washing powders have evolved over the last ten years to see this in action. It used to be quite simple, you made your choice based on price, every product simply claimed to be able to wash your clothes better than the opposition.

Nowadays, every few months, a different brand comes up with a different claim. Firstly there was the temperature debate. Washing at fifty degrees? Our product works at forty! Then the following week another company would say forty? No no no, with ours, you can wash at thirty. At this rate it won't be long before our washing machines resemble a slush puppy despenser.

It's not just temperature; it's the endless claims that they make with strange sounding phrases such as actilift, anti bobble and colour care. If they thought they could get away with it, I'm sure they would happily sneak on preposterous phrases such as, "contains cancer curing properties" or "complete with anti ageing effect"

With food, you often see the words "New and improved" quoted either on the advert or by the person voicing the advert. I am certain that in 99% of the cases, nothing is new and nothing has been improved, it's just exactly the same as before. All that has happened is they have managed to save up enough money to create another ad campaign, to make yet another failed bid to gain that tiny extra little bit of market share and without a new product to hook us in, they tell us it is both new and improved.

Even if they aren't lying, and it is both new and improved; new could simply mean a new label, and improved could mean that instead of tasting like dog excrement, it's now been upgraded to taste more like cat.

Advertising and marketing exists solely to create the idea that you are missing out, and without product X Y Z, life is simply not worth living. That's a really easy job when talking about things that conjure up emotion; things such as holidays or food. People can easily picture themselves lying on the beach or tucking into that tasty joint of Roast Beef.

Not so easy when talking about kitchen tongs or garden furniture. In order to sell these products, we have things called shopping channels. If you are ever feeling a bit down in the dumps, I urge you to watch twenty minutes of any given shopping channel. Suddenly life feels a little bit better. In my opinion shopping channels are second only to Jeremy Kyle when it comes to feeling better about yourself. Doctors should stop prescribing anti depressants and start prescribing QVC or in really bad cases, Bid Up TV.

The strange phenomenon with shopping channels, is they actually seem to work. There are actually people not only watching these channels, but phoning in and buying the products. Some even have a little chat with the presenter. "Thats right Simon, I was just sitting there flicking through the channels thinking, if only I could get my hands on a set of purple feng shui cat ornaments!"

The frustrating thing about all of this is that while writing today's chapter, I haven't been able to truly concentrate on the job in hand. All I've been able to think about is why my stupid ear phones are round and not ear shaped.