Intro music to the Jeremy Kyle Show
Jeremy - Welcome to the show . We have an interesting show today, our first guest is a man on minimum wage, who works every hour God gives him, but has recently discovered that his youngest child may not be his own. Please come on to the stage Bob Cratchit.
Bob walks on
Jeremy - Hello Bob, what first made you think your little boy Tim might not be yours.
Bob - Well Jeremy, Tim has always been a sickly child, and in many ways, though I know you shouldn't have favourites, the apple of my eye. But one Christmas things for us as a family changed dramatically. My boss Mr Scrooge suddenly took a real interest in Tiny Tim, got him the best medical treatment, showered him with gifts.
Jeremy - Well he sounds a kind and compassionate man.
Bob - Well yes, but you see this was completely out of character. He is widely known to be a mean and parsimonious man. Plus Tim looks at bit like him, the beady eyes, long hook nose and jet black hair.
Jeremy - And you suspect that this Mr Scrooge may be Tiny Tim's biological father.
Bob - Jeremy sadly I do.
Jeremy Well lets bring on Bob's wife Emily
Audience boos
Emily comes right up to Bob's face and shouts
Emily - You wanker Bob how could you accuse me of this, I've always been a good girl me!
Bob - well why is Tim's middle name Ebenezer when you always said you hated Mr Scrooge
Emily - Look it's a nice name, classy
Jeremy - But Bob that wasn't all was it?
Bob - No Jeremy. Emily always has immaculate clothes
Emily - Well of course I do you f******g d**** I'm a seamstress!
Bob - made out of the finest silks Jeremy! Where does she get it eh?
Emily - I get it from grateful customers Jeremy.
Bob - And, and I work in a very cold office, I'm only allowed one piece of coal a day. But when I come home the house is always boiling. The other day right I found a load of chicken bones in the bin. I aint had chicken for two years and even then it was a leg I fought the dog for.
Emily - Jeremy they weren't chicken bones, they were rat.
Bob - I know rat when I sees it I eats enough of it!
Jeremy - Right, right, there's only one way to sort this, the lie detector. We asked Emily is the father of Tiny Tim Mr Scrooge. Emily, you said no. Is that right love
Emily - I swears on my life I does
Jeremy - Well Bob she was...... lying!
Bob - I knew it, I knew it, you Bitch
Emily - Well how do you expect me to get by on what you bring in you f****, if a nice gentleman wants to help me out who am I to say no.
Bob - I work my fingers to the bone and your stonking Mr. Scrooge
Jeremy - Well listen I think you both need to go off and see our councillors.
Bob and Emily Leave.
Jeremy - Well that just goes to show you. Now our next guest, is a Joseph Nazareth who says his son Jesus looks nothing like him.
