Large Country House
We see a man with a mop of curly hair a shaggy beard, zigzag striped tank top, green corduroy trousers and yellow Hush Puppies; he has a professional looking set of headphones draped around his neck and is holding a BBC clipboard.
Another man dressed in red a smoking jacket is standing by a large roaring fire drinking brandy.
BBC MAN
"So you'll do it even at this late notice?"
TOFF
Sweeps his arms as he speaks
"No problem, as I told your secretary I had Downturn Abbey filming here last week, they needed to film in the library on the hurry up. I agreed on the spot and got a wad of cash for my troubles, they even used me as an extra. I played the butler; the director said I was a natural. So you see I'm already camera savvy so I'll help you catch this blighter no problem"
BBC MAN
"But the cameras will be hidden, the last thing we need is you acting to them!"
TOFF
Taps nose
"No problem, I was with soft shoe mob for twenty years"
BBC MAN
"Ok so let's go over it one more time, you...."
TOFF
"I act the goat, the con man comes in does a shoddy job on the boiler, I pay him through the nose for doing bugger all, then you bozz out and film the blighter and blot his copy book, I've seen it done a million times it's a doddle!"
BBC MAN
"It's a bit more complex than that, this guys a real piece of work. He won't just do your boiler, he'll make other problems. Then he'll advise you to get in other men in who just happen to be working in the area; the reality is it's him in disguise, this guy's the best, that's why the bait's so big. So you know what's going on I've put a monitor behind the Chaise Lounge"
TOFF
"No problem, now clear orf before chummy comes!"
There is a knock on the door
We see a man in a white boiler suit and yellow baseball cap he is also wearing mirrored sunglasses
TOFF
"Come, in the boilers in the scullery"
The man in the boiler suit goes into the scullery.
The Toff goes behind the Chaise Lounge and watches on a monitor as the man pisses in the sink, drinks milk from the fridge and then smashes two plug sockets with a wooden roller which he then wipes with snot as he replaces it on the work top.
The Toff stands up; he is livid but controls himself as the man in the boiler suits comes out of the scullery.
CONMAN
"Your main boilers gone so I put in a new one and three nitro switches, that's nine grand plus VAT!"
TOFF
"Fine who do I make the cheque out to?"
CONMAN
"Cash only Tuesdays squire and you're going to need someone to look at your plugs they're hazardous"
TOFF
Counts out the cash
"I certainly will!"
CONMAN
"Tell you what I've got a mate in the area who's a sparks I'll get him over in five minutes"
TOFF
"Thanks, I'm in your debt"
The conman exits
The BBC man pops his head through the library door and gives the thumbs up.
There is a knock on the door, a man in a blue boiler suit ,blue baseball cap and mirrored sunglasses is standing there.
TOFF
"Are you the Sparks?"
CONMAN
"Yeah, my mate said your plugs are dangerous, he said they could blow any minute"
TOFF
"Oh dear, can you fix them? They're in the scullery"
The conman goes into the scullery and the Toff goes behind the chaise lounge.
The Toff then watches on the monitor as the conman walks around the scullery looking in the draws. The conman finds a hand whisk, plays with it then puts it in his bag, he also steals a row of copper jelly moulds and the kitchen clock. He then gets a fork and scratches the glass of the windows and then kicks the cat.
He then takes a plastic double plug socket unit and blue tacks it to a wall.
The Toff is livid
The conman comes out the scullery
CONMAN
"I've fixed the electrics, I had to install a double return box with three nitro switches so you owe me seven grand plus VAT it will have to be cash as well as my chip and pin machines on the blink."
The Toff does well to hide his anger as he pays
CONMAN
"You're going to have to get your windows looked at, your cats scratched the frames so all the seals have gone. I have a mate in the area who does double glazing I'll get him to have a look for you.
TOFF
"That would be great if you could?"
The conman leaves and the BBC man sticks his head out of the library door and gives the thumbs up.
TOFF
"It was definitely the same blighter!"
BBC MAN
"No problem we'll take him before he even does the next one "
There is a knock on the door
TOFF
"He's back get ready!"
The Toff opens the door and there is a woman and five men with TV cameras.
WOMAN
"Mr Skillington Blunderbuss ?"
TOFF
"How can I help you?"
WOMAN
My names Penny Parker I'm from BBC Watchdog we spoke on the phone?"
TOFF
"Come in quickly before the window guy sees you, your boss is in the library"
WOMAN
"My boss is here?"
They all walk into the library, the double doors leading to the back garden are wide open and there is a wig, false beard zigzag jumper and corduroy trousers on the floor.
TOFF
"Dear god!"
