EMPEROR: Lucius, welcome to the council; pray, be seated. I must congratulate you on the swift construction of this mighty navy. 200 ships in a mere 9 months, the workrate has been phenomenal.
LUCIUS: This glorious fleet will show those Carthaginians a thing or two, my lord. The Punic wars will soon be turning in our favour - never forget, we have right, goodness and some of the gods on our side.
EMPEROR: Quite so, quite so. We do, however, have a couple of very small concerns. Admiral?
ADMIRAL: Thank you, sire. Our first concern, Lucius, is how slowly these ships travel.
LUCIUS: Really?
ADMIRAL: We can only cover a few miles a day, apparently. It seems sluggish.
EMPEROR: Yes, I had envisaged a sort of "lightning war".
LUCIUS: Ooh, good phrase.
EMPEROR: Yes. Pity it sounds rubbish in latin. Anyway, it's not only the low rate of movement, but the huge crews that you require - the cost is, shall we say, troubling.
LUCIUS: Surely we should put all our resources into winning this war, my lord. You can't put a price on victory, for an unspecified selection of gods' sakes!
EMPEROR: All the same, I have books to balance. The disappointing speed of the boats, and the vast swathes of imperial employees required does seem a downside to this new navy.
LUCIUS: Oh. Anything else?
GENERAL: To be honest, I still think we should put them in the sea.
LUCIUS: The sea? Are you mad? This is state of art military hardware, I'm not going to dunk it in drink like a man possessed.
GENERAL: It might pay dividends.
LUCIUS: They're made of wood! Have you ever seen what water does to wood? Rots it, bends it, I don't know what all. Yeah, right, if we put them in the sea we might get to Phoenicia in a day or two, but we'll hardly strike fear into their hearts with a messy navy. The paint will run all over the show. Sloppiness never won a war, gentlemen.
EMPEROR: So, you're resigned to carrying these boats round the long way, then?
LUCIUS: Certainly. That's where the large crews come in, you see: they really are bloody heavy boats. Had a go at pushing an armed frigate myself, and no chance! Didn't budge a cubit.
ADMIRAL: It's just when we saw the blueprints for the fleet, we had sort of imagined some of the design details were meant for nautical use. The rudder, for example?
LUCIUS: Decorative.
GENERAL: Which is connected to the wheel, I believe.
LUCIUS: Yeah, well, everything's connected to something, isn't it? Don't prove anything.
EMPEROR: And the sails?
LUCIUS: Well...
EMPERIOR: Vast swathes of Egyptian calico, hanging there, catching the breeze. Could be handy in, say, a sailing environment, Lucius?
LUCIUS: I don't know! You can't expect me to know every little detail off by heart. Look, we've only got a month or so to go, let's just stick with the plan, OK? You never said anything about the sea before, so it's a bit late to start bandying it about now.
EMPEROR: So be it.
LUCIUS: Plus, we have built some brilliant new trebuchets and ballistae. 60 of each. Look, I have designs here.
GENERAL: Very impressive. You'll wheel these onto the edge of the battlefield, I presume?
LUCIUS: Yeah. If the enemy runs into these, they'll really really get bruised.
ADMIRAL: The huge stone balls stacked alongside aren't for martial parabolic purposes, then?
LUCIUS: Good, bad and neutral gods, no! But, having said that, one of the balls rolled away the other day and killed a wolf - a wolf that could have eaten one of our men!
EMPEROR: A somewhat pyrrhic victory.
LUCIUS: Too soon!!
