Drag Queens in the Attic
(Setting in a small middle class house, a couple stand worried, the wife is on the phone.)
Wife/ Hello exterminator, we have a problem with pests,
Exterminator/ Bats?
Wife/ No,
E/ rats?
Wife/ No, even worse. They sing.
E/ Ah a Bird Nest! Common occurrence.
Wife/ Not exactly, let's just say they're was one in The Birdcage.
E/ No, you don't have drag queens in the attic do you,
Wife/ Yes (crying)
E/ I'll come over and check them out as quickly as possible,
(Exterminator arrives at the house.)
E/ I've come to check out the drag queens in the attic.
E/ When did you first notice them,
Wife/ Well one afternoon my husband was clearing the attic, it all went black and sequined and ABBA started playing,
E/ righto, when was this pet?
Wife/ Thursday night.
E/ Righto,
(Climbs to the attic.)
E/ Ah hah, there you all are, come out, your parents aren't here.Second stage, (lifts out a pair of fake eyelashes, and tosses it to the middle of the room. Drag queen suddenly scarpers out and grabs it, possibly squeals)
E/ Ah got you, (Grabs drag queen.)
Drag/ As if darling,
E/ You've been quite the naughty drag, haven't you?
Drag/ I can be a bad girl if you want me to be.
E/ Shut up, don't want me to tranquilize you?
Drag/ As long as it's only a little prick.
E/ Shushhh, look the guys downstairs are a well meaning couple,
Drag/ honey the woman looks less convincing as a woman than I do,
E/ Be quiet you.
Drag/ What's in it for me?
E/ I have a full collection of Dolly Parton's wigs circa 1972,
Drag/ Give it to meeeeeee,
E/ only if you leave the house.
Drag/ Fine I guess,
E/ now is there any other pests in the house,
Drag/ No, darling,
E/ Don't lie to me, I can get rid of you with bible bashing bigots,
Drag/ Alright there's a Joan Crawford impersonator in the gutter and a Cher one in the shed.
E/ Thank you, off we go pet.
(exterminator takes a rather glum drag queen out of the house)
E/ All sorted, jut got to get rid of the impersonators, then I'll be all done.
Wife/ Ohh thank you.
(Couple go inside the house, they sit on the sofa, the 'woman' takes off her wig,voice lowers) That was a close one.
Any helpful comments would be appreciated, I'm not looking for a critique, more pointers for next time as I am thinking of doing other similar styled recurring sketches.
Thank you for reading! 