FX: DOOR OPENING
AIDE #1:
God - he's really getting on my wick!
AIDE #2:
Tell me about it! Still, at least we can get a bit of peace and quiet in here!
FX: CHAIN FLUSHING / CUBICLE DOOR OPENING
ED:
Bub buh buh, bub buh buh, bub buh buh - buh!
AIDE #1:
Mr Miliband!? You do realise you're in the ladies toilets?
ED:
Don't worry - there's a perfectly non-creepy explanation! You see - some of the boys in the Shad Cab have started giving me swirlies!
AIDE #2:
That's terrible!
ED:
No, actually - it's not! You see, when a boy sticks another boy's head down a toilet, it's in fact a mark of respect!
AIDE #2:
Well, if that's the case - why aren't you getting dunked right now?
ED:
(SIGHS) I'm not in the mood for fun today. Not after reading those horrid lies in the papers!
AIDE #1:
What lies?
ED:
The ones claiming that two thirds of Labour supporters want to get rid of me!
AIDE #2:
Oh... THOSE lies!
ED:
I mean, how can the rank and file hate me, if they're always performing random acts of kindness for my benefit?
AIDE #1:
They are?
ED:
All the time! Just last night - an activist prevented my face from getting cold by holding a pillow over it! I didn't even have to ask - they just used their initiative!
AIDE #2:
How did you manage to breathe?
ED:
Well, the funny thing is - I actually passed out! But that was totally fine - as I was feeling a bit sleepy anyway!
AIDE #1:
Are there any other 'random acts of kindness' that spring to mind?
ED:
As a matter of fact - yes! This morning, when I was enjoying my weekly bath, a regional organiser popped in and threw an electric shaver into the tub!
AIDE #2:
You must have been shocked?
ED:
Actually, I was! I thought everyone knew that I'm incapable of growing a beard!