This is my latest knockback, this time from Hatrick.
The problem being?
I know the lay out is not up to industry standard and I don't expect many to read this due to its length. But if anyone can at least show me where I'm going wrong I would be truly grateful.
L of a Division
Episode one
Spinning into control
SCENE 1:
9.05am INTERIOR OF A POLICE STATION. TWO HIGH RANKING POLICE OFFICERS IN FULL UNIFORM ARE CONVERSING AS THEY WALK ALONG A CORRIDOR WITH A DEGREE OF URGENCY.
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Well they said we'd last a month, we haven't even managed four days!"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"We'll have to act fast; we need to own this story."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Own the story! We'll be lucky if we own our jobs! The clips had over twenty thousand hits on the internet already; now the TV news channels have got wind of it we'll be lucky if we last till the end of the day!"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"We need to get the story by the scruff of the neck and spin it until no one can make head nor tail of it"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Can it be done?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"If we can't it'll be the Dog handling section for us, atleast until the next round of cuts and then we'll be first up for redundancy!"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"So what do we do?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"We need to speak to Pallister and get a grip on the story"
THE TWO OFFICERS STOP OUTSIDE A DOOR MARKED 'INSPECTOR PALLISTER'
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"This is Pallisters Office sir!"
Both men enter without knocking
SCENE 2:
9.07am INTERIOR OF INSPECTOR PALLISTERS OFFICE
INSPECTOR PALLISTER IS IN THE MIDST OF DRESSING INTO A FULL LEATHER MOTOR BIKE SUIT AND IS ALMOST TRAPPED IN IT AS THE TWO SENIOR OFFICERS ENTER HIS OFFICE.
THROUGHOUT THEIR ENTIRE CONVERSATION WITH INSPECTOR PALLISTER, CHIEF SUPERINTENDENT MASONS TONE AND MANNER IS CONFRONTATIONAL WHILST SUPERINTENDENT STYLES ACTS AND MOVES IN A CONCILLATORY FASHION. INSPECTOR PALLISTER IS NONCHALANT THEN BECOMES DEFENSIVE.
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Pallister, this bear incident last night what the hell happened?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"There' not much to add to what you must already know sir."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Humour us"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"The first thing I knew about it was when it was called in on the radio by PC Rodgers. He reported a bear was running amok outside the Dover Street McDonalds."
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"What time was this?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"3 am sir, I was already on my way into the town centre in a patrol car to oversee the clubs as they started closing, so I was on site within minutes.
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"And was the bear running amok?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"When I arrived it was laying alongside the big burger van on Stone street."
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"What action did you take?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"My first reaction was to try and get the owner of the bear on side to see if he could coax the thing. PC Rodgers had him cuffed in the doorway of Thornton's"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Was he of any help?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"A waste of time sir! The man was blind drunk and even if he was sober it would have been useless, he can't speak a word of English."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Then how did you know he was the bear's owner?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"He had an accordion round his neck and was dressed in the same bowler hat, waistcoat and dickey bow as the bear. From what I can gather he plays the tunes and the bear normally dances for money."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Normally? Do you mean this Bear dancing caper's a regular occurrence?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"No sir, according to Tony Chan from 'Wok around the clock' the man and the bear just turned up out of the blue in some sort of van about 8'oclock last night and set up their show on the green opposite his takeaway."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"What do you mean some sort of van?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"I've had in towed in sir so that the lads in the garage can have a look at it, I've never seen anything like it in my life"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Getting back to the incident Inspector you say you saw the bear snoozing by the Burger van?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"I thought it was snoozing, but as I got closer I could see that it was actually sniffing. Once it found the burger smell was coming from the vans hatch it climbed in"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Why didn't you try to lock it into the van and at least contain it?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"That was my initial plan sir .But it got hold of a large plastic bottle of mustard and bit into it and then it jerked back in shock and sat on the hot griddle! After that it just went completely berserk and smashed the van to smithereens."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Is that when you gave the order to shoot it?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"No Sir, I had the armed response team deployed at the front of the van but the bear smashed its way out of the back and started running around erratically. With it being Saturday night the town centre was packed so I couldn't safely give the order to shoot at that juncture."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"You mean you never cleared the area of gawkers, that's standard procedure Inspector!"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"To be fair sir I never had the resources. I was three officers down on the relief due to the bug going around the station. I was only operating with two experienced officers. The other four were PCSO's who've only been here a week or so and one of them took a dizzy spell from the smell of fried onions, so I was limited as to what I could do sir"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Never the less you should have followed procedure and dispersed the public!"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"With respect sir I was dealing with well over two hundred drunken punters! I had my two experienced officers breaking up an argument outside the Friends Meeting Hall. So apart from the armed response unit all I had was three kids dressed as coppers and another who was vomiting into his helmet. If I'd have given the order to disperse the crowd, it would have to have been at gun point and I know that no one wanted that! If I'd have used the kids to disperse the crowd, I would have probably started a riot!"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Why the sudden concern for public order Inspector? We both know this place goes off like a two bob rocket every other day!"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"What did you do then Inspector?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"At first the bear looked like it was going into Churchill Gardens, so I ordered the armed response team to try and get ahead of it and clear any drunks etc. I was hoping we could contain it in the gardens by locking both the gates once it was in there."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Did it enter the gardens?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"It looked like it was going to, but then some idiot threw a beer bottle at its head so it turned and started running toward the crowd, that's when I gave the order to fire."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"According to their inventory the armed response unit put 74 bullets into the thing?
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"That's correct sir, I was advised that a single shot would only enrage it further. I was also informed that a bear especially a drunken one can withstand a hell of a lot of firepower sir."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Well at least you had the sense to seek advice, who did you call the safari park?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"I never had the time sir, lucky enough the brother in law was in town on a night out so he advised me."
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"What is he a vet or something?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"He's a plumber sir"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"A plumber!"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"Yes sir, but he watches all the animal shows on the Discovery Channel and he goes on holiday to centre parks every...."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"You gave the order to use machine guns on the advice of a f**king plumber!"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"I would have ordered the use of machine guns anyway sir! The thing was at least ten foot high and must have weighed well over a ton. And don't let the bowler hat and dicky bow kid you either that thing had ten inch teeth so I don't think a single shot would have done the job."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"So you and this naturalist/ plumber your sisters shacked up with decided it was best to do the bear Chicago Style did you?!"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"There's no need to bring my family sir into this sir. If the truth was told I've never been trained in facing a berserk bear! I had a thirty second window to act and I did so!
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Inspector, we're not here to apportion blame. No one would expect you to be conversant with the handling of wild bears, were not in the Mounties."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"I wish I f**king was"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"What happened next Inspector?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"The armed response team gave controlled rapid fire as ordered sir"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Controlled rapid fire? Who are you kidding? I've seen the video on You Tube. Those two clowns opened up like Bonny and Clyde; that bear went straight through Waterstones front window."
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"With respect sir both Bob Turner and Betty Gordon are highly trained officers; they did as ordered no more. You have to understand we were all doing our best under difficult circumstances and it was just unfortunate that events unfolded outside Waterstones"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Oh I suppose you were hoping to shoot it while it was inside the shop engrossed in a f**king book!"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"I don't think I deserve..."
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Pallister no one's blaming you, we just need to establish as much as we can before we go out front and face the media"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"I'm sorry Pallister I over stepped the mark. I suppose it was just 'Coppers Luck' but you have to see that the lack of cordon means that the entire thing was filmed on God knows how many phones and now the news channels have got clips"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"You see our problem is that the British public don't like to see a bear in a bowler hat being blown to smithereens while they're having their Bank Holiday Sunday breakfast."
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"I'm sorry sir, but it remains my opinion that there was no other way of bringing the thing and the situation under control"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"I know that Inspector, now you said the man and the bear rolled up in a van at 8 o'clock last night, is the van British, foreign?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"Hard to say sir?"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"For gods sake haven't you covered the basics a man? What details have come back from its registration on the PNC? What's the Tax Disc saying? Is it a left hand drive, the basics man the basics!"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"That's just it sir it hasn't got registration plates or a tax disc either and as for right or left hand drive I couldn't say because the steering wheel is almost in the middle!"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Have you at least any idea where it came from?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"I did a quick search of the back and found three empty bottles of Vodka in a Duty Free carrier bag. The receipt was still inside and was dated for yesterday in Belgium so I can only presume they were on the continent yesterday and came over on the ferry late afternoon."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"So you reckon this man drove over yesterday do you?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"I'm not entirely sure sir; like I said it's a very odd vehicle"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
Odd? In what way Inspector?
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"Hard to say sir, I asked Flo Jarvis from forensics to give it a quick once over while it's in the garage."
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"What did she say?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"She's looking at now sir, we could go over and ask her"
THE THREE OFFICERS EXIT THROUGH THE OFFICE DOOR.
SCENE 3:
9.47AM GARAGE AREA
TWO MEN IN MECHANICS OVERALLS AND A WOMAN IN A WHITE HOODED FORENSIC SUIT ARE STANDING BENEATH AN ELEVATED CAR RAMP IN DEEP CONVERSATION.
ON THE RAMP IS A YELLOW VAN WITH RED WHEELS AND AN EXTERNAL HORN. IT ALSO HAS CIRCUS TYPE ANIMALS BADLY PAINTED ON THE VANS SIDES AND BONNET.
THE TWO SENIOR OFFICERS EXPRESS THEIR SHOCK AT SEEING THE VAN THEN RESUME THEIR COMPOSURE AND SUMMON THE HEAD MECHANIC.
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
(Loud)
"Can we have a word about this van Mike?"
THE MECHANIC CALLED MIKE INDICATES WITH A FINGER ACROSS THE THROAT AND THE MECHANICS STOP USING THEIR POWER TOOLS. THE GARAGE FALLS SILENT
MIKE THEN CROSSES THE GARAGE FLOOR TOWARD THE SENIOR OFFICERS; HE WIPES HIS HANDS ON A RAG AS HE DOES SO.
MIKE
"This is a hard one to call sir? It could be a week before I could give you a full breakdown"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"No good! I need the details faster Mike! This bear caper's turning into the biggest news item of the day!"
MIKE
"I can't be definitive at this point you understand sir?"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Were not asking for a f**king MOT! Just tell us what you DO know!"
MIKE
"It's hard to figure out where to start sir?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Mike the reception area is crammed with TV news camera crews?"
MIKE
Speaks rapidly and frankly
"Well for a start it's not a production vehicle, but it's no bespoke job either, so it's probably homemade. The chassis looks like it was part of an old train, while the engine probably came out of an agricultural machine. The entire thing runs on paraffin and I've have to say I'm surprised it hasn't blown its self to bits before now. Whoever built it has used a converted copper water container with a sixty gallon capacity as a fuel tank. Even with the little that's left in the tank now, this thing could take out a street full of houses no problem!"
CHIEF SUPER DEREK MASON
"Dear god"
MIKE
"As far as the seat and steering wheel goes you'll have to speak to Flo from Forensics and I don't think you're going to like her findings!"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"What 'Findings'?"
MIKE
"You're best asking Flo sir, its well past my pay grade"
MIKE
(Shouts)
"Flo can you come over here and tell them what you told me"
FLO JARVIS
Very Keen, clutching clipboard
"Morning sirs, I don't how much Mike's already told you?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Not much apart from the fact it's a mobile paraffin bomb"
FLO
"It's certainly that sir, if that tank would have gone up heaven knows."
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
(Interjects)
"We need to be brief on this, I've got the press on my back!"
FLO
"Initially it was the position of both the seat and the steering wheel that had me puzzled. You see the steering is central probably because who ever built this thing used the drive shaft from a a rotavator so they were limited to...."
CHEIF SUPER DEREK MASON
Interjects
"A rotavator? So it does what 5- 10 miles an hour? According to Pallister this thing came from Belgium so we'll have to assume they set off right after the Battle of f**king Waterloo!"
FLO
KEEN
"Oh no it's quite fast Sir! Whoever built this thing managed to force the paraffin through at an alarming rate by creating an injection system from off all things a Whoopee cushion and a Thermos flask, it's quite clever."
Chief Super Derek Mason
"I'm sure it is!"
FLO
"I think the thing could reach 100 - 120 no problem and with the size of the fuel tank it could probably cross mainland Europe without stopping. Or at least until the bear became tired"
CHIEF SUPER DEREK MASON
"What's the hell has the bears sleeping pattern got to do with it?"
FLO
"At first I was surprised at how far back the seat was situated from the steering wheel and also at the size and position of the foot pedals. So I took samples from the upholstery of the driving seat and also from the steering wheel. Then I forensically vacuumed the foot well and pedal area. I already had my initial suspicions and the results confirmed it!"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Confirmed what!?"
FLO
Excited
"That the bear was the driver!"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Dear God we're finished"
FLO
STILL KEEN
"I knew instinctively it had to be! But to be on the safe side I went back and measured the prisoners' leg and arm ratios. While I was with him he managed to indicate by a sort of sign language that the bear was the driver. From what else I could gather he's very upset and has no idea how he's going to get his van home!"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Get his f**king van home! He needn't worry on that score after I've finished charging him with everything from Bear baiting to f**king international terrorism he'll be lucky if ever walks the streets again, let alone get driven round by a f**king dancing bear/chauffeur in a homemade flammable f**king clown car!"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES GETS A GRIP OF THE NOW PANICING CHIEF SUPER BOTH HE AND INSPECTOR PALLISTER HELP USHER THE CHIEF SUPER OUT OF THE GARAGE AREA.
THOSE REMAINING TO LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN SHOCK AT THE CHIEF SUPERS OUTBURST
SCENE 4:
INTERIOR OF CHIEF SUPER MASONS OFFICE 10.23AM
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES AND INSPECTOR PALLISTER ARE STANDING AROUND A DESK EMERGED IN CONVERSATION.
CHIEF SUPER MASON IS IN A CHAIR WITH HIS HEAD ON THE DESK RESTING ON HIS FOLDED ARMS.
CHIEF SUPER MASON
MUFFLED
"Well I have no idea how we're going to get out of this one?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"It's the internet clips that has given the story impetus"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"I'm sorry about that sir, if I'd have seen them filming I would have took their phones off them and happily put the whole thing in the 'Rural Book' and left it there, that's what we normally do"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
LOOKS UP FROM DESK
"What's the 'Rural Book'?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"The Rural book's where we log all animal destruction's within the division sir."
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"We kill animals? I thought we passed them over to the RSPCA?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"That's stray pet's sir, we don't kill pet's sir."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Thank God for small mercies I suppose"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"No sir, the only thing we destroy are pests and the odd mad dog or rogue bull."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Pests? We're not a pest control service Inspector!"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"We sometimes have to be sir. For instance last week we thought we had rats eating through the wires of the speed cameras on the ring road, so I had the lads put a few tins of pepper spray into the box and that did the trick."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"I would have thought your time could be better spent than writing down in books how many rats we've killed Inspector."
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"That's just it sir it wasn't rats, it was Meerkats, they must have escaped from the Safari Park and decided to set up shop in the Camera box."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
TURNS ASHEN
"We've killed Meerkats?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
VERY CONCERNED
"How many were there Inspector?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"Three adults and six little tiny things sir"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Dear God in heaven"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
QUICKLY DRAWS AN END TO THE CONVERSATION
"Inspector you've been up all night, you can write the report out when you come back on duty, I'm sure you'd be better off getting home. On your way out would you ask Paula to bring this Rural Book up so we can have a look at it please?"
INSPECTOR PALLISTER
"Very good sirs and like I say I'm sorry about the mess, I really did do my best"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"We know you did your best, go home and get some sleep Pallister"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"And don't forget to send the 'Rural Book' up on your way out Pallister. And I don't think I need to tell you to offer the standard 'No Comment' if that lot outside corner you on camera."
INSPECTOR PALLISTER EXITS
AS THE OFFICE DOOR CLOSES CHIEF SUPER MASON JUMPS UP FROM HIS DESK AND BECOMES EXTREMELY ANIMATED AND NERVOUS
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Meerkats, we've killed Meerkats! You think shooting a bears bad? Let me tell you, pepper spraying baby Meerkats to death is a f**king game changer! I was on a case once were some idiot posted a cat to his ex girlfriend. That was ten years ago and he's still picking his mail up with oven mitts and the front of his house has got more writing on it than the Berlin f**king wall and that cat survived. Have you any idea what they'll do once it's gets out that we've wiped out a fledgling colony of Meerkats?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Calm down it won't get out! The only place it's recorded is in this 'Rural Book' so once we have that!"
THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE OFFICE DOOR AND CHIEF SUPER MASON JUMPS BACK IN FRIGHT.
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Come in"
A NON UNIFORMED WOMAN ENTERS CARRYING A LARGE BOOK
PAULA
"You requested the 'Rural Book' sir?"
CHIEF SUPER MASON ALMOST FALLS OVER A CHAIR IN A RUSH TO GET THE BOOK, AS HE DOES SO HE CLUTCHES IT TO HIS CHEST AS HE SPEAKS.
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Thank you Paula! If you could ensure we're not disturbed"
PAULA
"I'll do my best sir, but you've had an awful lot of calls from the TV news stations looking for a statement. And a Mr Chris Harris from the Home Office has called three times sir, he seems quite insistent!"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Paula could you inform Mr Harris if he calls again that the Chief Super will be back to him shortly. But as far as the press go, it's still no comment"
PAULA
"Very good sir"
PAULA EXITS THE OFFICE
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Who the hell is this Harris?
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"'Cunning Chris Harris' is the Home Secretaries political adviser. He must have recognised a potential banana skin and probably wants to set things right with you before we hold a press conference.
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"If the Home Office is already on it we're dead men walking! Why hasn't he gone through normal channels?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"First off the Chief Constable the Deputy Chief Constable and the Area Commander are all away for the Bank holiday and will know enough already to stay well out of contact. Chris Harris knows I'm with you so he will expect damage limitation. He probably just wants to make sure we don't deflect it towards the Home Secretary!"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"How and why on earth could or would we do that?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
CLICKS FINGERS
"'Operation Castle'"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"What the hell's that got to do with anything?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"It the Home Secretaries new initiative it was in the pipe line for years but he launched it early after those drunken Norwegian students managed to cross the Channel in a replica Long Ship and kidnap the Dean of York Minister in a Rag Week prank. It was only by a stroke of luck that they were still inside the twelve mile limit when the coastguard nicked them. The dean was well pissed off"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"I've had the memo, it starts next Friday, I can't see how it helps us?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"It started LAST Friday! It was rushed through, that Viking stunt sent the press into frenzy about illegal immigration. The home sec was on Newsnight on Thursday saying that 'Operation Castle' was being brought forward a week as a two billion pound commitment to the countries safety. He said he was sending out a message to the world that our borders where as strong as Castle Walls!"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"So"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"We have in our cells a man who without benefit of passport has waltzed right through the entire customs and security system network in a paraffin spewing bright yellow circus van with red wheels being driven by a ten foot bear in a red bowler hat!
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"He's as worried as we are"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"More, much more I can assure you."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"He doesn't know about the Meerkats yet!"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Never mind the bloody Meerkats! This could turn into our ticket out of here. This division's a joke we both know it! The whole thing was set up to fail from the get go. All they've done is taken the worst problematic elements of adjoining divisions and made it into a single problem; and we're the poor sods left to carry the can"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
FORLORN
"They told me it was ground breaking and unique, an exact split dynamic of 50% Rural 50% Urban they said."
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"The hairs on your neck should have gone up the minute they used the words 'ground breaking' and 'unique' in the same sentence.
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Ok ok we both know I've been shafted, but at this moment in time I am more interested in getting out of this current mess!
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"We need more data! We'll stall him while I put together a team to get this thing rectified"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Put a team together out of these idiots? Who are you kidding? It's not just the area we've been lumbered with you know. Half the officers have been pushed out here from the Met after Operation 'Clear Out' and that's only because there wasn't enough to evidence to nick them. While the other half are all brand new PCSO recruits. Had you ever seen a roll call in this place? It's like a f**king cross between the Sweeny and the Tweenies!. It's no good Clive this thing is just getting deeper and deeper"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"No it's not, in fact it vastly improved the situation. But I need to move quickly"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
FORLORN, PATS THE BOOK
"Go, do what you have to do. I'll stay here and deal with this book I wouldn't be surprised to learn we've been tasering f**king Pandas!"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES EXITS THE OFFICE AND HEADS DOWN A CORRIDOR TO A DOOR MARKED CID
SCENE 5:
CID OFFICE 11.23am
A MAN IS LEANING OUT OF THE OFFICE WINDOW COVERTLY SMOKING A CIGARETTE WHILST ENGAGED IN A CONVERSTATION WITH A YOUNGER MAN SITTING AT A DESK.
DC NOBBY CLARKE
"So it's half three in the morning and I asked my old guv if he was going home? He just laughed and said that we were staying with the strippers we'd pulled until first light then catch a cab to the factory and fit the two scousers up with the blag. We did an all and we put the whole thing down as overtime! That's the way it was done back in the day son, and you know what? We got respect for doing it"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES ENTERS THE OFFICE WITHOUT KNOCKING.
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Are you the duty CID?"
DC NOBBY CLARKE
STARTLED, HIDES CIGARETTE
"Yes Sir, I'm DC Clarke and this is DC Button sir"
THE YOUNG NIAVE LOOKING CID MAN HAS ALSO STOOD UP AND LOOKS TERRIFIED AS HE IS INTRODUCED TO HIS SENIOR OFFICER.
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"I'll be blunt there's no time to waste! I need everything you can get on Nimjan Borghauset I've wrote it down. Now I need you to call who you can, email whomever you must and tweet anyone you think can help. I know it's a Bank Holiday Sunday but I need to know everything there is on this man and I need it in half an hour."
DC BUTTON
SITS AT HIS COMPUTER AND KEENLY TYPES AS HE SPEAKS
"I'll run the name through Google sir and see what's there. As I have his surname and most alphabets are generic in nature I will be able to establish his nationality. Then I can then do a decreasing sweep covering all foreign forces national data bases and then reduce to local police data base if required. If that proves fruitless I may be able to nail him down via any activity on the social networking sites and I could even scan tourist chatter regarding native bear dancing etc"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Good thinking DC?
DC BUTTON
BEAMING
"Button sir, DC Button"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Good man Button! Do what you can"
DC NOBBY CLARKE
INTERJECTS
"With respect Guv, young 'Bright As' a Button here might be sharp with computers guv."
RUFFLES DC BUTTONS HAIR MUCH TO HIS ANNOYANCE
"But if you're on about that dickhead in cell 8 who's dressed like Pinocchio? I should imagine a call to my old skipper on the peado squad should flush his record out on the hurry up!"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
LIVID
"DC Clarke at all times you will refer to me as Sir or Superintendent not 'Guv' do you understand?"
DC NOBBY CLARKE
"Yes Sir"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Furthermore I do not want you contacting anyone at Scotland Yard, especially any of your extremely dubious former colleagues who somehow have managed to evade 'Operation Clear Out' do you understand me?"
DC NOBBY CLARKE
"Yes Sir"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
LOOKS AT HIS WATCH
"I want the both of you to report to me at the Chief Supers office in half an hour with what you have!"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES LEAVES THE OFFICE. AS HE DOES SO DC BUTTON SITS BACK AT HIS DESK AND TYPES FURIOUSLY. DC CLARKE PUFFS HIS CIGARETTE BACK TO LIFE AND RETURNS TO THE WINDOW AS HE SPEAKS.
DC NOBBY CLARKE
"Bright As my son if you don't slow down you'll break that computer! Anyway you're wasting your time. I've seen enough dead men walking to know that the Super and the Chief Super are for the high jump over this bear bollocks. My advice is don't get involved."
SCENE 6:
INTERIOR OF POLICE STATION
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES IS IN A CORRIDOR IN CONVERSATION WITH TWO MOTOR CYCLE POLICE OFFICERS. WE DO NOT HEAR WHAT THEY ARE DISCUSSING.
SCENE 7:
CHIEF SUPER MASONS OFFICE
CHIEF SUPER MASON IS AT HIS DESK SHREDDING PAPER. HE HAS A CLEAR PLASTIC BIN BAG FULL OF SHREDDED PAPER BETWEEN HIS KNEES.AS SUPERINTENDENT STYLES ENTERS WITHOUT KNOCKING THE CHIEF SUPER USES HIS BODY TO SHIELD HIS ACTIONS. ONCE HE SEES THAT IT IS SUPERINTENDENT STYLES HE RELAXES AND UNCOVERS HIS ACTIONS WITH THE SHREDDERS.
CHIEF SUPER MASON
VERY NERVOUS
"How have you done?
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"It's coming together very nicely. I've had a word with all concerned taken a few steps and called a few people. How's it going here?"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"I've managed to shred the 'Rural Book' down to Rabbit bedding but the media are flipping they're demanding a statement
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Relax we can delay them without it looking delayed. Just get a PC to take all the reporters names and channels. Tell them it's so we can give them official visitor passes that should delay it for a while.
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Ten minutes tops"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Once we have their names and channels scan them, there's always a no mark freelancer or someone from a website with less than a hundred hits a day. Once you identified your target have them taken into an interview room and stripped searched under the Terrorism act. Have it done in plain view of the other hacks that will distract them no end."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"We can't just arrest and strip people in order to cause a distraction!"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Are you serious? Look just rope one in and make a big fuss doing it. Once we're ready we can apologise and tell him that he has the same name as a man suspected of terrorism. After that I'll take them all to one side and ask them not to print anything about the incident in case the real suspect gets wind of it. I've used it a few times its straight forward."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Are there any other dark arts we need to employ?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"No I've done what I needed to do so we're good to go with Cunning Chris. Once he' given the nod we can go out and have a great press conference."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"I wish I had you confidence"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"All you have to do is listen. You'll get the gist of it. Once it's agreed all we do is go out and repeat it at the press conference."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Let's hope you know what you're doing?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"I do now I can assure you"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
PRESSES INTERCOM ON DESK
"Paula would you get Mr Harris from the Home Office on the phone please"
PAULA
V/O
"Certainly sir one minute"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Are you sure he won't grill me?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Relax, all you have to do is make sure that the conversation is on the speaker phone. He'll try to dissuade you because the last thing he needs is someone who could later corroborate any account of the conversation."
INTERCOM BUZZES
PAULA
V/O
"Your call is ready sir"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Put it through please Paula"
THE TWO SENIOR OFFICERS SIT EITHER SIDE OF THE DESK AND CONVERSE WITH CHRIS HARRIS VIA THE INTERCOM.
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Hello Mr Harris this is Chief Superintendent Mason from L Division I believe you've been calling me. I'm awfully sorry about the delay in getting back to you, it's just that we've had a bit of a flap on at this end; however I'm free for now so how can I help you?"
CHRIS HARRIS
V/O SYCOPHANTIC TONE
"No problem Chief Superintendent, thanks for getting back to me. To be honest it was about the bit of a flap you refer to that I wanted to talk about."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"I see, how can I help?"
CHRIS HARRIS
"Chief Superintendent the questions as are mostly minor and more of a logistical nature if anything. I rang you more out of protocol and in the hope that you could direct my call toward a more operational manager."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Certainly Mr Harris, as luck would have it the relevant officer Superintendent Stlyes is with me right now. We're just putting together the finishing touches to our press statement, do you mind if I put you on speaker phone?"
CHRIS HARRIS
SEMI STUTTER
"Erm I'd rather speak one too one as it were."
CHIEF SUPER MASON
SILENTLY GOADED TO BE FIRM BY SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"With respect Mr Harris we are about to go into a press conference and read out an official statement on live TV! That being the case I'm sure you can appreciate I need to be abreast of everything pertaining to this issue so I'm afraid it will have to be on speaker phone or not at all"
CHRIS HARRIS
DEJECTED TONE
"Very well Chief Super."
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Hello Chris, it's Clive Styles can you hear me ok?"
CHRIS HARRIS
"Hello Clive."
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"I take it that you've heard about the bear we had to shoot?"
CHRIS HARRIS
"Yes terrible thing to have to do it gets to everyone, especially the officers involved in the actual shooting, it can sometimes make them react negatively and with less discretion than normal."
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Yes, but these two are fine"
CHRIS HARRIS
"Are you sure"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Yes I've had a talk with the both of them. I've given them half a days leave. It turns out that the local Safari Park has a bear with two new cubs and they thought it might be nice to have the two officers meet the cubs and have a few photos taken with them in order to get over the terrible duty they had to perform to save public
CHRIS HARRIS
"Nice"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Nothing to do with me Chris the Safari Parks manager has took a real shine to the armed response unit. In fact I heard they were due to officially name the cubs William and Kate but they've had a change of heart and want to name them Bob & Betty after the officers"
CHRIS HARRIS
BUSINESS LIKE
"Clive my problem's finding the paperwork on the bears owner, I hear there's was a bit of confusion."
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"My you have got good hearing. On the paperwork front Chris there's not much to pass on at all. It turns out he came through on the ferry without his passport. He was very drunk so he must have forgotten it, still at least he got through without any bother."
CHRIS HARRIS
"Yes, well it's the lack of paperwork that I called about; do we at least have a country of origin for the poor soul?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Not at the moment I'm afraid Chris, he's sobered up but he can't speak English; he has no idea of where he is or how he got here? Still if it's as we think and the bear drove him over here while he was sleeping off his Vodka binge he wouldn't know where he was would he?"
CHRIS HARRIS
"I can see your point Clive, but I have to ask we're you're pointing?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Chris, this is not a gun to the head, it's more of a pilot fish and shark scenario."
CHRIS HARRIS
"That's always the best approach Clive, as long as we both understand who's the big fish?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Always Chris, we're happy being wise Minnows"
CHRIS HARRIS
"I'm sure it will be appreciated my end, especially if the whole issue can be resolved with the minimum fuss and at the maximum of speed."
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Oh it will be Chris it will be. The one possible fly near the ointment is how my man's croupiers will react? He's already been dealt a bad hand from a marked deck. Now he's worried that he could go all in with his chips on this one only for them to use it as an excuse to take him from the table altogether."
CHRIS HARRIS
"No problems there Clive! We know how to reward a straight player, we can help clear the baize and call for a new deck. Who knows if he plays a few good hands we could move him to a better table with higher stakes.
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"So it's all down to him playing his cards right?"
CHRIS HARRIS
"Exactly"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Oh by the way while you're on Chris you'll be glad to hear that we're fully committed on Vehicle Tax evasion. We've just crushed an offender's car even though it's a Bank Holiday Sunday!"
CHRIS HARRIS
"Excellent! The Home Secretary will be pleased at your level of commitment. How did the owner react?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"It's a bit sketchy at the moment we're only using hand signals to communicate"
CHRIS HARRIS
"Do you want me to organise an official interpreter?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Thanks for the offer Chris but I'm keen to keep the numbers involved to the absolute minimum, I don't really want to add to the man hours involved"
CHRIS HARRIS
"Of course, stringency is the Home Secretaries watchword"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"On a positive note it turns out that I knew enough hand gestures to explain to him the gravity of the potential charges he could be facing and that the case could take years to get to court. I even managed to highlight the lack of bail for foreign nationals. So given the situation that he can't write English nothing could go on paper, so we agreed that he would be issued with an informal caution and released without charge"
CHRIS HARRIS
SHOCKED
"He's out on the streets!?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"After a fashion! It turns out a pair of my motor cycle officers had stopped a refrigerated lorry full of Manx Kippers destined for continent on the ring road. Apparently they were having some sort of problem with the driver's papers. The driver was frantic that the delay could flatten his battery and defrost his load; he said he would be ruined. Luckily enough I managed to cut through the red tape and saw him on his way. I even had the motorcycle lads give him an escort onto the ferry. The lorry driver was over the moon and asked if there was anything he could do for me? Then it dawned on me that the Tax payer would have to fork out for a ticket to get the Bears owners home so I organised an free and more importantly instant lift"
CHRIS HARRIS
"Excellent Clive! But the bear itself turning up is a surprise"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"It certainly is, from what I can gather it was only two years old, poor thing"
CHRIS HARRIS
"I'm not so sure I thought it looked a lot older, definitely pre election."
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"No it was a lot younger. That would explain why no one's ever seen it before. If it was any older then surely someone would have seen it and if that was the case then wouldn't be surprised if the tabloids didn't offer a reward to find out much more about it. Such as where it was living all those years?"
CHRIS HARRIS
"Oh I see of course. But I'm sure some sort of autopsy would be able to establish how old it was?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Sadly we'll never know as we were legally obliged to burn the body ASAP under Health & Safety".
CHRIS HARRIS
"But it still gets us back to the questions of a Bear on our patch in the first place"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"From what we can gather at it's not off your patch. We believe the poor thing was brought down from Scotland as part payment in a drug deal. These drug lords are well known for having illegal exotic pets. We've already been compiling a dossier on the issue in our rural file. From what we've gathered so far it looks like animals are also being stolen to order from our local Safari Park as well. The sad thing is that when these heroin dealers are bored of them they simply dump them and leave them to fend for themselves. It's a major issue and one that we were hoping to take a lead in combating providing we can find the funding."
CHRIS HARRIS
"I couldn't agree more, I know times are hard and restraints are in place but I'm sure the Home Secretary would do what he could to help defenceless animals from being abused by heroin dealers!"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Chris I'll have to cut you short we've got a press conference to attend."
CHRIS HARRIS
"Have you done enough? Do you think the press will be happy with the statement?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Oh I forgot to mention there's not going to be a full statement, just an informal briefing at this point for operational reasons"
CHIEF SUPERINTENDENT MASON LOOKS STARTLED AT THIS INFORMATION
CHRIS HARRIS
"Operational reasons?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
SILENTY WAVES AT CHIEF SUPER MASON TO INDICATE THAT THERE IS NO PROBLEM
"I can't say too much as this juncture even with you Chris"
CHRIS HARRIS
"Of course most improper"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"I can tell you that as far as the media goes I've always found that action is better the words. So I'm thinking of taking the press on a series of raids starting at 5am tomorrow."
CHRIS HARRIS
"Raids?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Yes and from what I can tell it's going to be all action so I'll ensure that the press are issued with front line stab vests and helmets etc, they do like that."
CHRIS HARRIS
"Any idea who you're targeting"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Animal abusing Heroin dealers!"
CHRIS HARRIS
"Excellent"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
OPENS A FILE WITH THE WORD 'MULLIGAN' WRITTEN ON IT
"Yes we have the ideal problem family in our sights. It a three houses knocked together job with at least twenty known dysfunctionals on site. As an added bonus I'm reliably informed that the three eldest lads are well known for not coming in quietly. They're heavily tattooed and all on benefits plus there's at least three banned dogs in situ. We also have high hopes of finding exotic animals on the site as the father is well known for keeping reptiles."
CHRIS HARRIS
"Brilliant Clive, quite brilliant!"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"We'll obviously be going in with tasers at the ready for what should be an all action punch up. It's a multi agency approach, along with the media we'll have benefit officers, HM Customs, and the Dog Section. The press will lap it up."
CHRIS HARRIS
"I wish I could come along"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"I'd rather you get your man to have a word with my mans bosses especially as he has sanctioned these raids off his own bat and without budgeting or costing it beforehand"
CHRIS HARRIS
"It's called initiative Clive, your man's been forced to act promptly to save animals and arrest heroin dealers. If he pulls this off we'll set up a hotline, any problems no matter how small etc"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Thanks Chris, it's nice to know we have some support at last. Give my love to Mandy and the kids"
CHRIS HARRIS
"Will do"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES TURNS OFF THE INTERCOM AND SMILES
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Have we done it? Do you think we're safe?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"No problem!"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"What about these Mulligan people? What if they decide to come quietly and there's no drugs or snakes"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Relax they'll get upset enough, I can also assure you that they're will be plenty of drugs. Plus we know for a fact that the father has got pit bulls and grass snakes"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Grass snakes, we'll be laughed at"
THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE OFFICE DOOR AND PAULA ENTERS
Paula
"DC Button and DC Clarke sir to see Superintendent Styles sir?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Excellent show them in please Paula"
DC NOBBY CLARKE AND DC BUTTON ENETER THE OFFICE, THEY BOTH LOOK SHEEPISH
DC NOBBY CLARKE
"You wanted to see us sir?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Yes I have some more work for you two"
BOTH
"Yes sir!"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"DC Button I'd want you to head over to the Safari Park and speak to a Liz Trundle. She'll fix you up with specialist tongs and a couple clearly marked dangerous reptile boxes. I want you back here at 4am for a pre raid briefing I'm assigning you as reptile exhibits officer. I want anything that moves boxed and taken. I mean anything even a frog do you understand?"
DC BUTTON
"Yes Sir!"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Once you have everything boxed I want you to leave while the raid is still on and being filmed and I want the boxes rushed to the Safari Park. I must add DC Button that at no time do I want the boxes opened or their contents discussed with ANYONE do you understand?"
DC BUTTON
"Sir yes sir!"
DC NOBBY CLARKE
"Do you want me to go with 'Bright As' erm DC Button sir!"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"No Clarke I have a specific role for you."
DC NOBBY CLARKE
FORLORN
"Yes Sir"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Do you know this Mulligan family Clarke?"
DC NOBBY CLARKE
"I certainly do sir, they're real animals. The minute I got here from the Met I had to nick the eldest 'Mad Sid' for GBH. It was a hell of a scrap. I had to use three tins of pepper spray and a nightstick just to get past the mother"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Well we're hitting them hard at 5am tomorrow and I want you in first Clarke. If you don't think they're co operating to your satisfaction I want them hit hard Clarke do you understand, hard!"
DC NOBBY CLARKE
COMPREHENDS AND SMIRKS
"No problem Gov erm sir, I'll get tucked in no problem"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Thank you men I'll see you both at 4am briefing"
DC'S CLARKE AND BUTTON EXIT THE OFFICE IN HIGH SPIRITS
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Clarkes a f**king headcase, have you seen his file?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Of course"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Ahh, But what about the reptiles? The Safari Park will see it's grass snakes in two minutes"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"More like two months, they'll delay their findings till everyone has long forgotten about Heroin dealer's menageries and machined gunned Bears"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"Why in god's name would they do that for us?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Because while I was on to MZ Trundle about the reptile boxes I mentioned that we had also found a family of Meerkats starved to death by the motorway. I asked if they were her parks and if they are why she hadn't reported their loss?. Once I suggested that they might have been stolen by heroin dealers she came on side?"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"So she'll play ball?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"She certainly will! It would seem that the gravity of a headline such as 'Meerkat Massacre' is as you said widely viewed as a game changer"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
TICKS OFF ON FINGERS
"So the bears been cremated, its owners on the high seas, the van they came in is now a cube and we're about to go on the front foot in a drugs war with full press coverage, excellent! Yes but we're still left with the footage"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"The footage has been pulled off the net and the TV won't show it either"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"How in gods name did you manage that!?"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"DC Clarke had an anonymous call informing him that some of the footage was found to have encrypted paedophile images hidden inside it, I put a full alert on the wires so no one will touch it with a barge pole!"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
ELATED
"At this rate by the time the Chief Constable gets back we'll be in the clear!"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
SINISTER
"By the time he gets back we'll be in the driving seat. With our savvy and the Home Secretaries assistance the scumbags around here won't know what's hit them! Once we finished this place will be one the safest places with the lowest crime rates in the country"
CHIEF SUPER MASON
"On the promotion front that will keep the Assistant Chief Constable on his toes as well"
SUPERINTENDENT STYLES
"Sod being an ACC, if we do this right you'll be head of the Met in less than a year!"
END OF EPISODE
