RADIO REPORTER
"Darren I'm standing at the confluence between the rivers Calder & Hebden, there has been no let up from the rain and as the waters rise the residents fear the worse yet again."
STUDIO
"Is there any sign of help Tim? The town has been flooded for three out of the last four years and the underlying theme has been the apparent lack of cohesion and some say compassion from the authorities"
REPORTER
"I was going to touch on the point however in the last few minutes a fleet of official looking green Range Rovers towing dinghies has arrived and a rather important looking man in a camel overcoat appears to be overseeing the effort, he's currently talking to a local so I'll try to have a word
POSH VOICE
"No you have to understand I'm not the Prime Minister, I'm just well dressed"
YORKSHIRE ACCENT
"Thy knows thys not "
POSH VOICE
"I'm sorry I can't understand you I'm from Chelsea don't you know"
YORKSHIRE
"I said thy know thys not Camerun you barmpot!"
POSH VOICE
"I'll have to go away and speak to somebody who can help you, stay there"
REPORTER
"Sir can I have a word please we're live to the studio"
POSH VOICE
"Certainly,...Address's an aide "Can we just get someone to help that chap with the drowned dog I can't understand a word he's saying so I haven't the foggiest what his actual problem is?"
REPORTER
"Sir we're given to understand that you have been sent down from the Environment Ministry to oversee the effort"
POSH VOICE
"Yes in a sense but I'm more the temporary de facto head of a broader multi Ministry task force if you will"
REPORTER
"Multi Ministry?"
POSH VOICE
"Yes it's not just Environment, we've got bods from the DWP as well as chaps from the Housing Minsters office and Employment"
REPORTER
"What use are they?"
POSH
"Well during daylight hours the DWP assessors will use the dinghies to patrol the town and see if any alleged disabled claimants have managed to get onto their roofs.
The employment bods have got the unemployed culling Badgers and using the bodies as sandbags, that should keep a few thousand of them busy for once in their lives.
Plus once it gets dark and we can't see what the handicaps are up to, the dinghies can be used in the early hours to ferry any old people out of the beds they're blocking at the local hospital and put them in the upstairs of their own homes and while we're at it the Housing Ministry can check for under occupancy.So as you can see we're on top of the issue"
REPORTER
"I take you will be liaising with the police fire and ambulance services?
POSH VOICE
"Well we're not talking to the police at the moment"
REPORTER
"What about the fire and ambulance services? Will you at least be speaking to them?"
POSH VOICE
"Waste of time they'll only tell Mr Plod everything these plebs can't keep their piss.I'm afraid it's a case of if you tell one you tell them all with that shower!"
REPORTER
"I take it you and the team will be working round the clock"
POSH VOICE
"The lower grades will, but I'll be going back to London before it gets dark"
REPORTER
"Well thank you for your time I can see you're busy I'll let you get back to it"
POSH VOICE
"It was a pleasure"
