KI: Vince Cable Text Scandal

PRESENTER:
Usually when high-profile men send naughty texts behind their partner's backs - the recipient is either a buxom blonde or a busty brunette. But every so often - it transpires to be none other... than Ed Miliband!?

NICK CLEGG IS HOLDING A PRESS CONFERENCE.

REPORTER #1:
Nick - is it true that Vince Cable has texted scathing indictments of yourself to the Leader of the Opposition?

NICK:
Well, that's certainly not MY interpretation of the messages.

REPORTER #1:
What, so... (READS) 'OMG - Nick's being even more of a bellend than usual. Can't wait 'til we get rid!' - is complimentary, is it?

NICK:
Look - words are flexible things! I mean, at worst - you could say... it's an ambiguous statement! (BEAT) Yes?

REPORTER #2:
Nick - is it true that Vince has been ostracised by his teammates?

NICK:
Well, I haven't seen any evidence to suggest that's the case.

REPORTER #2:
What about the allegation from Vince himself; that Paddy Ashdown's behind the 'VC Genius' Twitter account?

NICK:
Look, I can assure you right now that Paddy had no involvement in that whatsoever! In fact; I would go so far as to say - that any suggestion to the contrary - simply isn't cricket! (BEAT) Yes?

REPORTER #3:
Nick - doesn't this scandal prove once and for all that Vince is a Labour-man at heart - as opposed to a true Lib Dem?

NICK:
Listen, a TRUE Lib Dem is...

REPORTER #3:
A hapless opportunist, with an appalling lack of judgement?

NICK:
Exactly! And can you honestly tell me that Vince doesn't embody each and every one of those qualities?

This is a good sketch. Like it. Good premise and well-executed.

For KI though, you'll need to rewrite incorporating Dick Legg and introduce some Island equivalent of Vince Cable. Also the coalition ending won't really work as we try to stay away from any party-specific stuff so it will need an alternative ending.

Good work though.

Dan

PRESENTER:
Usually, when high-profile men send naughty text messages behind their partner's backs, the recipient is either a buxom blonde or a busty brunette. However, on occasion, it can be none other... than Ned Wiliband!?

DICK LEGG IS HOLDING A PRESS CONFERENCE.

REPORTER #1:
Dick - is it true that Mince Fable texted scathing indictments of yourself; to the Leader of the Opposition?

DICK:
Well, that's certainly not MY interpretation of the messages.

REPORTER #1:
What, so... (READS) 'OMG - Dick's being even more of a bellend than usual. Can't wait 'til we get rid!' - is a compliment?

DICK:
Look - words are flexible things! I mean, at worst - you could say... it's an ambiguous statement! (BEAT) Yes?

REPORTER #2:
Dick - is it true that Mince has been ostracized within the party?

DICK:
Well, personally, I haven't seen any evidence to suggest that's the case.

REPORTER #2:
How about the allegation from Mince himself; that Caddy Cashdown created the 'MF Genius' Twitter account?

DICK:
Look, I can assure you right now that Caddy had no involvement in that whatsoever! In fact; I'd argue that any suggestion to the contrary - simply isn't cricket! (BEAT) Yes?

REPORTER #3:
Dick - be honest - does Mince still have a future?

DICK:
Look, all I can say - is that for as long I remain leader - Mince will be by my side!

REPORTER #3:
So in other words - he'll be out on his arse by 2015?

DICK:
Again - YOUR interpretation - not mine!