ACT 1
INTERIOR - SIR ROBERT THE BRUCE COMES HOME FROM HIS YEARS AWAY IN THE ANGLO SCOTCH WARS
LADY BRUCE
Oh hello dear, welcome back, well doon an all that an say hello to your new son.
BRUCE
What, youve had a wee bairn?
LADY BRUCE
A liddle babby boy born last Joon.
BRUCE
Oh hel...what the fook is that? He's not mine, surely?
LADY BRUCE
Yes of course he is, he's the fruits of our passionate labours when yous was last here four year agoo.
BRUCE
Oh fook. Oh sweet Mary fook!
LADY BRUCE
Isn't he a handsome wee thing?
BRUCE
Wee's the fooking word alreet, like a fookin pine martin pissed him oot.
LADY BRUCE
Aww, he's ganna be a nobble wee waarior like his daddy.
BRUCE
Whaaaaat? That wee streak o' pess?!
LADY BRUCE
Oh don't Rab, you'll hurt his feelings, I fancy he's a sensitive wee man.
BRUCE
Then how can he be a waarior? He's pathetic, look at his weak floppy wrists, they'll no hold a longsword, I can barely hold one! Look at his body, that's not a waarior's body, that's a streak o' poodle's pess. The best you could do with ham is heat im up in a furness and shove him up young Edward's jacksy, so it is. Jeeeees, Mary, anymore bard noos to tell me?
LADY BRUCE
Er yeah, there's a spider in the karzi.
ACT TWO
HAVING BEEN USED AS A HOT ROD TO KILL OFF ONE PANSY KING, ROY'S SECOND INCARNATION HAS HIM AS A GAYLORD COURTIER TO THE VERY EFFEMINATE RICHARD 2ND
BARON
My lord, that surly ruffian Bollingbroke wants your crown and he's going to take it by taking your head off. If you are uncommonly quick and decisive and brave then we can make good an escape through the castle's secret tunnell, to where fast horses await us, then to a ship set for France. Well my lord? Be quick!
KING RICHARD
Hmm, what says my favourite to this proposition?
ROY
Hmm? Oh I think a little more pepper in the trout and onion soup would be just right, and I think the silver goblets look best with this dish, and a light blue linen table cloth should be perfect...
SLICE
KING RICHARD
Aaaaaargh!