There are a lot of good ones here (as I've trawled the entire thread for the first time) but this one tickled me:
Quote: Big Jack @ October 12 2012, 8:09 PM BST
(3)Had a good bash at my house last night, right knees up - followed by left hooks and a jab. That'll teach him to burgle my house.
Here are four weeks of 100% failures, in reverse order of time (because the top set are probably the better ones)
JUSTIN:
Cheryl Cole has been talking about her axe from The X Factor for the first time. There was much excitement, as everyone read about her 'sorting out' Simon Cowell; only to be tremendously disappointed when it became clear the axe was metaphorical.
JUSTIN:
A vandal daubed graffiti on a painting at the Tate Modern this week. Security guards chased down the culprit, but he lost them when one of them thought he'd gone left by the toilets and the other thought he was infusing the spirit of yellowism in a sociological statement against the bourgeoisie. A third thought it was all bollocks and went to the gift shop in a huff.
GEORDIE:
Bar codes have caused me nothing but trouble since they were introduced sixty year ago! The till goes bonkers every single time I try to buy a Newcastle United shirt.
ELDERLY:
I didn't know I'd bought a cannabis plant from the car boot sale. It does look beautiful in the garden though. Look at all those wonderful colours: Crunchie wrappers, Kit-Kat, Creme Egg....
JACKAPP:
I don't think it's fair to say George Osborne has as much knowledge about economics as a stick of rhubarb. At least rhubarb seems to understand being in a right old crumble.
BURGLAR:
Will this government stop at nothing to generate income? Attacks on burglars? I'm going to have to steal more to pay the bill!
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JACKAPP:
The staff made unemployed by JJB aren't going to be affected that much; they're already wearing tracksuits.
CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise to RyanAir boss Michael O'Leary after reporting that he described holidays as 'a complete waste of time'. Since then, he's flown on a reputable airline and has retracted his comments.
CORRECTION:
We're sorry that we reported two men were fined £500,000 for sending millions of PPI text messages. We meant of course 'billed'.
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JACKAPP:
That Hornby Railways won't make a profit this year. I think they should increase their prices like a real rail operator. But obviously at 1/80th scale.
JACKAPP:
I think Denmark tightening sperm donor laws is a massive waste of money. Why not just tighten danish trousers?
JACKAPP:
For a man claiming to be a fundamentalist muslim, Abu Hamza sure has a lot of pork product in his self-selected name.
OBAMA:
Since becoming President, I have missed teaching. I miss interacting with the children. I miss passing on my knowledge to our next generation. But most of all I miss the holidays. I mean, what's the point in having your own plane if you can't use it to go skiing?
JACKAPP:
Hornby Railways have declared they won't make a profit this year. But you know, what comes around, goes around. And around. And round. And round...
JACKAPP:
I see the government are targetting tax dodgers in their deficit fight. Personally, I think it's a bad example to be ordering any biscuits for meetings.
CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise for our erroneous report about Abu Hamza being deported. It is not the case that extremism is entirely the fault of Portuguese fortified wine.
AND FINALLY:
That was Newsjack from September 2012, in the week that a copycat respiratory virus was found in London, that quickly escalated into worldwide horror, as bioterrorists everywhere started applying to appear on SARS In Their Eyes.
Next on Radio 4 Extra, Homes Under the Water. Yet another tedious episode of the monotonous show where house owners bemoan how they didn't notice the massive river, lake or ocean that has always been located directly outside their door, even before the rain.
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JACKAPP:
Sir Ranulph Fiennes is planning to walk the South Pole winter at -90 degrees? Now, I'm no mathematician but isn't that vertically down?
JACKAPP:
The Satanic Verses wouldn't be published today. (IRRITATED MOUSE-CLICKING AND 'BING'-ING) BECAUSE NO-ONE CAN OPEN MICROSOFT'S NEW .docx FORMAT!
THUG:
I know how to make GCSEs tougher: a straightjacket and a blindfold.
SCARED:
(SHIVERING, WHISPERS) I'm soooooo scared. I've just watched the most frighteningly realistic horror movie: Three Men and a Baby. (SCREAMS)
ROGUE TRADER:
I strongly deny that I almost bankrupted an investment bank. Mind you, I did get bloody good odds at BetFredTheShred!
CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise for claiming that Boris Johnson lacks the skills to be a political leader. Buffoonery, foot-in-mouth syndrome and dancing around like a clown are actually perfect qualities for a Prime Minister.
AND FINALLY:
That was Newsjack from September 2012, in the week that the Government initially signed a deal with EasyJet for cheaper expenses, but eventually leading to the unfortunate turn of events that ended with Lord Sir Nick Clegg being the UK's first EasyMP. Then EasyPM. Then EasyPeasyLemonSqueezyPM, which left a very sour taste in everyone's mouth.
It was also the week where social attitudes in Britain were shown to be hardening. But they finally pulled themselves together after some stern words. Wimps.
Next on Radio 4 Extra, Shiver Me Timbre: Somalia's most vicious pirates discuss the bad reputation they are getting from the scum that are copyright thieves. That, and how they'd like to take a cutlass to Ed Sheeran.
Dan