Newsjack Series 7: One-Liner rejects Page 3

(1)I'm very disappointed - I Googled pictures of topless royals and just found Charles II.
Great gag - but don't you mean Charles I?

Anyway, here's my efforts:

This week we have seen the anger and outrage unleashed when a figure, whose purity and goodness is central to the belief systems of millions, is mocked and disrespected. I am talking, of course, about Kate Middleton.

Whatever people say Libya is still a great place for a holiday. Went to Benghazi market and got two kilos of Ferrero Rocher for a quid!

Tomlinson policeman, PC Simon Harwood, has been found guilty of gross misconduct and may be sacked or, to use police terminology, 'pushed gently to one side'

The DNA result on that torn condom must present Julian Assange with something of a dilemma - a leak he can't claim responsibility for.

(nerd) I'm glad Sir Ranulph Fiennes is taking proper living accommodation when he tackles the South Pole, because it's a little known fact that when Captain Oates said 'I'm going outside. I may be some time', he took a newspaper with him.

yeah - that'll be why it was rejected...

Hello, first posting on here. Here are my rejects. Out of the ones posted so far my favourites are Steve Sunshine's Oasis and Crake's sex dungeon/utility room jokes.

Intro: Apple says its iPhone 5 is 18% thinner, 20% lighter and lasts up to 33% longer; improvements that could be mirrored in population statistics if Scotland breaks away from the rest of the UK.

Intro: The Mars Curiosity rover is ready to start scouring the red planet after Nasa scientists conducted tests on its robotic arm. Cutting edge technology enables it to drill into rock, analyse its chemical composition and then do the Mobot if it finds anything worth keeping.

JackApp: To all those students worrying about not getting into university let me assure you that there is still space! [BEAT] Once we've colonised it.

JackApp: It is utterly disgraceful that topless photographs of the Duchess of Cambridge have emerged. Imagine if instead of a lens the photographer was holding the barrel of a shotgun. [BEAT] His camera would have looked ridiculous.

JackApp: I don't understand how the employment rate has increased in the middle of a recession. I'm not into conspiracy theories but it makes me think dark forces are at work. Well, someone must be.

JackApp: Yeah, I'd vote for Boris to be Prime Minister. You've got to remember, he's not as daft as he looks. That's impossible.

JackApp: If I'd known it was going to be so hard to get a C-grade in my GCSEs I would have taken a crib sheet into the exam. [BEAT] And a pillow and then used them to catch up on some sleep.

JackApp: People are complaining that the restored Cutty Sark is a calamity. Let me tell you, I was blown away. Perhaps not attaching a cannon with a live shell in it could have avoided that happening.

And two corrections:

Correction: We apologise for any confusion caused by our report into a notorious member of royalty discovered in a Leicester car park, minus his clothes and with his head in a terrible mess. We wish to make clear that the item was about Richard III and not Harry, Prince of Wales, as some listeners thought.

Correction:In our item about homes in Norfolk being provided with superfast broadband, a mix-up in the numbers reported led to some confusion. We are now happy to clarify that by 2015 most people will have access to 100 megabytes per second and not, as we reported, Suffolk.

Quote: Big Jack @ September 21 2012, 12:21 PM BST

yeah - that'll be why it was rejected...

View original

I did a very similar gag, but with Anne Boleyn...

JackApps

[FX: Rowdy Children in background]
I can't see the big debate over the three-parent IVF technique, if two people can be stupid enough to create a life, why can't three?

Kate should consider herself lucky; in the seventeen-hundreds the French used a guillotine to create topless royals.

We have BBMs, PSPs, OMGs and STIs in my school so I'm glad to see GCSEs being scrapped; it's one less acronym I have to learn.

I can't believe the UK is ranked second in illegal downloads, I was hoping for the top position, now I feel like a complete loser for downloading those three hundred terabytes of porn.

Quote: Bomsh @ September 21 2012, 11:45 AM BST

Tomlinson policeman, PC Simon Harwood, has been found guilty of gross misconduct and may be sacked or, to use police terminology, 'pushed gently to one side'

View original

I really like this one.

That one is indeed excellent.

One I never sent was

"How hard is it for a police to kill a newspaper salesman? It's a pushover"

Here are my rejects;-

A Government backlash is feared as Fiennes admits his latest South Pole expedition is the only way he can qualify for this years Winter Heating Allowance.

Jack App (1 of 3) - Blokish member of the public
I can't even spy on my neighbour sunbathing topless without my missus kicking off. Three person IVF? No chance.

Jack App (2 of 3) - Blokish member of the public
Two bottles of Lambrini and a kebab and I still can't get my missus to watch a 'specialist' film with me. Three person IVF? No chance

Jack App (3 of 3) - Blokish member of the public
Her mates: two stunners and a minger. Guess which one's up for it?
Three person IVF? No chance.

As Boots confirm a deal with a Chinese firm over plans to expand in the East, shareholders say they are happy with a No7, followed by an extra portion of egg-fried rice.

Royal nudity and the media - William fumes as Harry gives Kate a 'heads up:' on handling the media- a signed copy of his Vegas photos.

Clegg counts his blessings over GCSE revisions. 1, 2, 7, err, 4?

Jack App - member of the public.
The policeman involved in the G20 demonstrations has been sacked for gross misconduct. I suppose the police authority had no choice really when push comes to shove.

Michael Gove (addressing the House),
I am pleased to announce the introduction of a new educational examination for 16 year olds. The English Bala...Baca...Bacalarry... a new O level.

As the Royal Lawyers go to the French court over the publication of topless pictures of Katherine, the Duchess of Cambridge, Newsjack fears a deluge of copycat claims after hearing that Injury Lawyers 4U have taken up a similar case in respect of a Mrs M Antoinette of Versailles

Jack App - Member of the public
I don't know why the Muslims are so annoyed about that film. I'm still waiting for a refund after seeing Bangkok Revenge. It wasn't what I expected at all.

Ed Sheeran is listed as the 'most pirated' artist in the UK. Let's hope he completes the set soon with 'Most Kidnapped' followed by 'Most Executed

Quote: Ishy @ September 21 2012, 12:53 AM BST

You could say there were three people responsible for my kids being born. Me, my wife and Barry White.

View original

They used this one Or something very similar (they mentioned the IVF process before it).

Corr - this is an interesting thread.

My failed attempts, which I think are all for the Jack App, are:

I can't believe it's taken so long to find Richard III's remains when writings from 1612 said exactly where they were; underneath a Leicester car park.

As a customs officer I don't like plans to scrap Manchester Airport's body scanners. Now if I want to see pictures of unsuspecting holidaymakers naked I'll have to look at French magazines like everyone else.

Cultured:
British nature experts recording the four seasons are appealing for 'more citizen recorders'. Someone really should tell them that Vivaldi's masterpiece is for violins, and not recorders.

Pirate:
Aye 'course I download pirate music. Me favourites be A Flock of Seagulls, Simply Redbeard and James... Jim-Lad as I call 'em. Basically any pieces of 80's.

Old person:
It's a nice idea Dorset introducing gravestones with QR barcodes to scan, but I have enough trouble at the supermarket - how will I ever cope with a self service funeral?

Farmer:
I wish townies would stop interfering in plans to curb Bovine TB - saying it ain't simply black and white. Shows 'ow much they's know about badgers.

Welsh person:
So Michael Gove was annoyed at leaks in the Welsh department saying Welsh students' GCSEs would be regraded. Shows how ignorant he is - we have plenty of leeks... but they're vegetables, you idiot - they don't talk!

Posh(ish):
I knew the broadsheets wouldn't publish improper photos of any royal, but I was still worried about seeing the redtops at my local newsagents - after all it's so easy to get sunburnt when topless.

Brummie:
It's scary that Birmingham police are using computers to predict where and when crimes will happen. It's all a little bit like that sci-fi film, 'Ethnic Minority Report'.

(about the last one - it's not meant to imply that ethnic minorities are more criminal as much as a report from the police would show...)

I really wasn't up for it this week. Still, here are my best efforts:

Digital crime investigators have discovered that cyber criminals are infecting new computers with viruses before they even leave the factory. From a total of 40, 10% of computers purchased from different cities in China were found to contain the malware known as 'Windows 2000'.

The country's biggest baker, Greggs, has signed a 12-week deal with the army to supply Cornish pasties and sausage rolls to a military base in Germany. The defence minister has stressed that supplies of normal ammunition will be resumed as soon as possible.

A Shell executive has been caught downloading indecent material, after mistakenly sending six pages to an office printer, from his own computer. The exact content of the vile images is not known, but it is believed to be graphs comparing the price of crude oil versus garage forecourt prices.

Must try harder. They wouldn't be any better, even if I sent them from Wales.

Quote: Park Bench @ September 21 2012, 8:14 PM BST

I really wasn't up for it this week. Still, here are my best efforts:

Digital crime investigators have discovered that cyber criminals are infecting new computers with viruses before they even leave the factory. From a total of 40, 10% of computers purchased from different cities in China were found to contain the malware known as 'Windows 2000'.

View original

I think you might have been better off, both in terms of accuracy and topicality, if that had been "Windows 8"

Here were some of mine....

So the new airport body scanners will just show cartoons. I'd like to see Yogi Bear.

I wrote a letter of complaint to my rude GP on my iPad. He told me to take a tablet and stick it up my bottom.

Ranulph Fiennes is very excited to be setting off to walk across the coldest place on the planet. He says he'd give his right hand for the opportunity. Along with four of his fingers and most of his toes.

CORRECTIONS:

Apologies are like black babies in Norfolk. Really difficult to make. We at Newsjack need to make the following...

We'd like to apologise for our report on the Shell executive downloading porn onto his work computer. He was apparently just ordering crude.

ONE LINER (SORT OF)
Say what you like about Kate Middleton, and God knows shes got her Knockers, but unlike the other royals, I heard she likes to keep Abreast of the news and has Bags of fun keeping her Puppies trained on the Boob's in government while chomping on some Melons, munching on a few Baps and washing it down with a couple of Juggs of water ........and I didnt even mention her tits ! ......fabulous birds, its a shame to keep them caged up like that.

Heres a sketch along the same schoolboy type lines (dunno where youre meant to post these)

PHONE RINGS

PRESENTER picks up phone

PRESENTER:
Hello Newsjack here

JACQUES NEWS :
(french accent)
allo is zis ze news of zee wurld ?

PRESENTER:
No sir, this is NEWSJACK the weekly comedy circus of incredible events and entertainments on some radio station nobody ever listens to.

JACQUES NEWS:
Oui Oui , you can put me through to Rupert Murdoch ?

PRESENTER:
Rupert Murdoch ? no Rupert's just nicked out to buy some teabags and a birthday present for Samantha Cameron. Dunno when he'll be back, hopefully never. anything else I can help you with ?

JACQUES NEWS:
listen very carefully, Ma nom is Jacques News, I am a reporter en France ! I have some pictures of ze British royal family and I need to speak to Rupert murdoch ! Zis is zee story of ze century !

PRESENTER:
Well like I said Rupert's not here right now, but we are currently conducting a seance for Robert Maxwell. I think Robert wants to know what kind of pictures they are ? Although its hard to tell to be honest, I think the poor bugger might just want a life jacket.

JACQUES NEWS:
zey are how you say........naked pictures, I got zem on a long lens. I am how you say a Photographizer here in France, a Jacques of all trades if you will

PRESENTER:
Naked pics of the Royals ? Oh that is soooo last week.......
(whispers conspiratorially)
say , you got any of Princess Anne ? I've always found her rather attractive myself. listen, how about you slip me the pics of Princess Anne and we'll call it a fiver ?

JACQUES NEWS :
non , non ! no princess Anne ! Sacre Bleu !

PRESENTER:
Then who is it ? its not Fergie is it ? come on, I just had lunch ! be reasonable man !

JACQUES NEWS :
No sir, it is how you say......Prince Phillip. Naked as zee day he was born, Standing to attention with his majesty in ze sun like a new born child !

PRESENTER:
well who the bloody hell is going to want naked pictures of Prince Phillip ?

JACQUES NEWS :
well who wanted pics of ze naked Ginger prince Harry or ze baps of ze delightful miss Middelton ? !

PRESENTER:
Well..........I did, but don't tell anyone

JACQUES NEWS:
Okay lets cut ze merde, how much are you going to give me for ze pics of ze royal ornament

PRESENTER:
I dunno .....maybe about 50 p ? or I'll give you a quid to burn the lot and never call here again you filthy parasite preying on the privacy of unfortunate billionaire's everywhere ! Cant they just have a relaxing holiday at a luxury french villa on tax payers expense in peace ? ! how dare you ! Shame on you sir ! Shame on you ! Youve ruined the news !

JACQUES NEWS:
but I was just .......

PRESENTER slams phone down

PRESENTER:
I just don't know what the world is coming to, I really dont. People just have no respect any more......How do they sleep at night ?

PHONE RINGS again

PRESENTER picks up phone

PRESENTER:
this is Newsjack, so gimme some news..........jacques

JACQUES NEWS:
How about some pics of Prince Andrew riding a Donkey at Alton Towers ?

PRESENTER:
SOLD !

Quote: blahblah @ September 20 2012, 6:05 PM BST

My reject bundle

The toy store Hamleys has been sold to French group Ludendo for sixty million pounds - they'll probably only play with it once then put it in the cupboard

In entertainment news Chris Moyles has said goodbye to breakfast, which may explain his weight loss

Newsjack Apps

I'm surprised the Irish Star published topless pictures of the duchess. I thought they were only interested in the craic

I hear Victoria Beckham has stopped given Katherine Jenkins free designer clothes because of the rumours she slept with her husband. If she really wants to make her suffer she should send her her solo album

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I like all these blahblah especially the craic one

Introductions

David Cameron is appearing on American chat show Letterman in an attempt to "bang the drum for Britain" Mrs. Drum refused to comment on the issue

At the Liberal Democrat conference last week Nick Clegg claimed there is still all to play for as the government has only reached half time - in that case can I suggest a substitution?

Vince Cable said tax havens are sunny places for shady people - which is the opposite of a Butlins holiday camp

Two thousand employees at a Taiwan I-phone 5 factory brawled for nearly six hours - it would have been longer but they ran out of power

Clarissa Dickson Wright of two fat ladies fame has said people should eat badger, upsetting badger enthusiast and Queen guitarist Brian May who said people should eat her instead. Come on this is a Freudian nightmare! Just have sex will you!?

Newsjack Apps

Opinions are like Dr Who assistants once you get your head round one a better one arrives. So here are some new and shiny opinions

I'm glad Nick Clegg finally apologised for breaking his student fees promise, but did he have to make a song and dance about it?

I see the chief whip is all over the news - will people ever get over 50 Shades of Grey?

Why are they trying to ban cosmetic surgery adverts? If you want to stop kids from going under the knife just show them a picture of Jodie Marsh

It's good for the country that David Cameron is speaking at the UN general assembly in New York - because now we can keep him out. Quick lock Dover!

A judge has ruled that sending Abu Hamza to America would not breach his human rights, they've clearly never flown budget airlines

People seem surprised that a soldier gave birth without knowing she was pregnant, but the same thing happened to my wife. She gave birth the day I got back from a twelve month cruise - wait a minute, I've left the oven on

Corrections

Mistakes are like the Olympics, people insist on reliving them and we are no different so let's take a look at some mistakes we have made

Mistakes are like Keith Lemon - everywhere and not funny. Newsjack would like to correct some of our mistakes

The silence during the report on Andrew Mitchell was not a technical issue as we reported but was because our mom told us if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything

END