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EXT. DAY. TWO GIRLS ARE ON A BUS, CHATTING. A MAN APPEARS FROM NOWHERE IN A ‘CHOOSE LIFE’ T SHIRT, SPEEDOS AND SLIPPERS.
GIRL 1:
WHO’S THAT?
GIRL 2:
OH, SOME RANDOM
RANDOM MAN:
IN FACT, I’M RANDOM MAN.
HE SHOWS THEM A PICTURE OF HIMSELF IN APTHETIC CAPE AND TIGHTS, HOLDING UP A BIG LETTER ‘R’. THEIR JAWS DROP.
GIRL 1:
SO, WHAT’S A SUPER HERO LIKE YOU DOING ON A BUS LIKE THIS?
RANDOM MAN:
JUST BEEN TO BUY THE NEWS OF THE WORLD, A COCONUT AND THIS LITTLE FIGURINE.
HE FORCES THE FIGURINE ABOUT A MILIMETRE AWAY FROM THE GIRL’S EYE.
RANDOM MAN:
IT’S FANCY GOODS. FROM MR. SARKOVSKI. ONLY 89P, THE COCONUT WAS 49P DOWN FROM 89P SOME ROTTEN BITS – LOOK.
HE BRANDISHES THE ROTTING COCONUT IN THE FACE OF THE OTHER GIRL.
GIRL 2:
LOOK, WILL YOU PLEASE STOP BOTHERING US?
RANDOM MAN:
HAVE I FREAKED YOU OUT YET?
GIRL 2:
NO
RANDOM mAN:
THEN MY WORK IS NOT YET DONE.
GIRL 1:
LOOK, FREAK, JUST –
RANDOM MAN:
TELL ME, HAVE YOU EVER BOILED A HEAD?
GIRL 2:
WHAT? NO! HAVE YOU?
RANDOM MAN:
MILLIONS. ALL THE BRAINS ARE LIKE ROCKS NOW. SUCH A SHAME.
HE PRODUCES A LUTE
RANDOM MAN:
I HAVE PENNED A PLAINTIVE MADRIGAL ABOUT THE INCIDENT..
HE PLAYS SOME PLANGENT MINOR CHORDS ON HIS LUTE.
RANDOM mAN:
AH, YOU MUST TELL ME – UNDER THERE ARE YOU SHAVEN?
HE PULLS BACK HIS COAT TO REVEAL A BADGE SAYING ‘I LIKE HER SHAVEN’.
GIRL 1:
YOU SHOULD BE ON THE FUCKING SEX OFFENDERS REGISTER MATE!
RANDOM MAN:
IT’S ADIEU, MY FRIENDS.
HE REVEALS HIS OVERSIZED SPEEDOS AND PULLS THEM OVER HIS HEAD. CUT TO A PAIR OF SPEEDOS LYING ON THE FLOOR, APPARENTLY CONTAINING HIS SHRUNKEN FRAME. CUT BACK TO THE SHOCKED LOOKS ON THE FACES OF THE GIRLS. CUT BACK TO THE FLOOR, THE SPEEDOS AND THE RANDOM MAN HAVE VANISHED.
GIRL 1:
YOUR DAD’S STILL NOT TAKING THE DIVORCE WELL, THEN?
GIRL 2:
NAH, SHOCKIN’.
CUT
