Sitcom Excerpt - Star Drifters

Okay, the other idea I've been working (Also a radio script) on is about a group of bit part actors, touring America on a sleeper coach, doing the Sci-Fi convention circuit. Here's the opening two scenes.

STAR DRIFTERS (DEFINITELY a working title)

EPISODE 0 - HELLO WORLD!

GAZ - male - Manchester / ANTHONY - male - Posh / JULES - male - Scottish / TIM - male - Welsh / NORMA - female - Londoner

GAZ: (sings) Magic Wall, you're my favourite wall...

ANTHONY: Stop singing that awful drone.

GAZ: (WHISTLES)

ANTHONY: Or whistling the tune.

GAZ: tum-tum, tum-tum-tee-tum...

ANTHONY: Look we've got important stuff to do here! It's not being aided by your insessant warbling, Gaz!

GAZ: Anthony, chill out. It's just a bit of sewing.

ANTHONY: A bit of sewing. You think maintaining the galactic armour of Voltron the Bounty Hunter is just a bit of sewing?

GAZ: I don't know why you don't just use velcro like me.

ANTHONY: Your answer to everything is velcro isn't it? Your shoelace breaks, use velcro. Your hair starts falling out, velcro.

GAZ: I wish I'd invented it. I'd be made, minted. I could buy that piece of land in Anda Lucia(??!) I've always wanted.

ANTHONY: The person who invented Velcro got there through perseverance, trial and error, patience and hard work, Gaz. An alien concept to you.

GAZ: Hey! I've got ambition.

ANTHONY: And what's that? If it's an ambition to break the world record for not moving off a sofa I think you've already achieved it. Now help me repair this armour so we can get on with checking the pens.

GAZ: Oh God, the pens, the pens! You're pathological you know that don't you?

ANTHONY: We're going to have a lot of signing to do today and the pens need to be checked. The balls need to be running smoothly, like a painters brush on canvas. How would it look if we turned up with a bunch of half empty ball points with stiff nibs?

GAZ: If anybody's nips need softening it's yours, Anthony.

ANTHONY: Nibs, Gaz. As in pen nibs. Anyway, what are you saying? That I'm uptight? Well, yes I am but it's got me where I am today.

GAZ: On a bus full of nobodies making a living of the success of your one lucky break?

ANTHONY: Absolutely, and I intend to have a great deal more success. These conventions are a networking goldmine, Gaz my boy.

GAZ: Networking? You can never network. The first time you met JJ Abrahams your mouth was so dry you could have stored lentils in it.

ANTHONY: That was a mere glitch, Gaz. Besides I've brought Opal Fruits. They'll be no chance of me being able to sand wood with my tongue this time. I'm going to make a good impression, I'm going to be a star, Gaz.

GAZ: You're going to see stars, Anthony. When you faint. Again.

ANTHONY: I blame the air conditioning in that last place. It was like a kiln. I have a very sensitive constitution to heat.

GAZ: You have a serious denial problem.

JULES: Hey, guys! How am I looking?

GAZ: Like a member of Duran Duran. What's with the shoulder pads and sleeve tassles?

JULES: I thought the Spaceport Guard costume needed accessorising.

ANTHONY: Jules, you are supposed to accurately represent the character from Alpha-Centauri, not turn up looking like the spokesman for the Howard Jones Fan Club.

JULES: But the get up is so... grey. Plus you can't see my face.

ANTHONY: That's because you're meant to be a robot guard. A metal body with the head of Ziggy Stardust isn't going to stop anybody getting past the airlock.

GAZ: Look, Jules you only have to wear the suit for the stage appearance. Once we get to the signings you can get changed.

JULES: That's a relief. I don't think I could sit at the same table as the Creature from the Bathroom Plughole.

GAZ: What are you saying?

JULES: Your costume, Gaz. It's repugnant. Where did they get the fur, a hairdressers' wheelie bin?

GAZ: I'll have you know that no person or animal was exploited in the making of Ciabatta's outfit. It's made from genuine nylon offcuts and the eyes and teeth are custom made.

JULES: Yeah, well you still look like Robin Williams went nuts with the hormone pills.

ANTHONY: None of this petty bickering is getting the seams of my Bounty Hunter Armour reassembled and there are pens getting nib-clot as we speak. I want freely flowing nibs, gentlemen.

NORMA: (OVER P.A.) We're pulling in for gas if anybody wants to get some air or some more alcohol. I know I could do with some.

ANTHONY: (INTO INTERCOM) Don't you think that's a tad on the unsafe side since you're driving the bus?

NORMA: (F/X) Did I say 'alcohol' I meant Red Bull. I'm always getting those mixed up. Usually it's Red Bull and Vodka.

ANTHONY: Could we have had anyone less competent in charge of this Convention tour? She has less sense than a Lewis Caroll poem.

GAZ: Don't be mean! I think it's great that she's such a huge fan of the films and now she's working with us. She probably knows more about them than we do. Probably more than the director.

ANTHONY: Yes, I agree her knowledge of Star Drifters is encyclopedic. It's her knowledge of simple things like left and right that concerns me.

GAZ: Okay so she's not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, so what? You're no exactly Carol Vorderman in the brain stakes. And anyway, she means well.

ANTHONY: Meaning well is one thing. Meaning to brake but pressing the accelerator is another. Who's Carol Vorderman?

TIM: She used to do the letters and the numbers on Countdown.

ANTHONY: Ah, Tim you're up. Just the man; could you sew my Armour back together? There's a good chap.

TIM: My pleasure, Sir. Do you need it taking out a bit?

ANTHONY: No. Are you saying I've put on weight?

TIM: No, no I'm sorry I didn't mean to imply...

GAZ: Tim, stand up for yourself man, you don't need to do Anthony's work for him.

ANTHONY: He is a top seamstress though.

TIM: It's true, I love to sew and I really don't mind, Sir.

GAZ: You don't need to call me sir, Tim. We're all equals on here.

JULES: Not me, I'm one in a million.

GAZ: Yeah, like where's Wally. (MEGA EXPOSITION CLAXON) Tim, I know you were the costume designer but Anthony's treating you like his personal assistant. You were in the cast too, just like he was. You were Kronox the most viscious gangster-lizard-thingy in the galaxy.

TIM: I know but that's not really me. I'm more at home with a needle, some thread and Carol Decker on the stereo.

ANTHONY: You see? Everyone should know their place in life.

GAZ: And where do you place yourself, Anthony?

ANTHONY: I am one of life's winners, Gaz. I don't settle for second best. I won't quit until I get my name on a Star on Hollywood Boulivard.

GAZ: the only way your name will ever be impressed on Hollywood Boulivard is if it's been sewn into your underwear when you get hit by a bus.

TIM: Ah, we're pulling into a truck stop. A place for hard working, blue collar serial killers to go about their business unnoticed.

ANTHONY: I think I'll stay behind on the bus. You know, to protect the valuable artefacts.

GAZ: Who's gonna want to steal an armoured lycra bodysuit?

ANTHONY: These items are part of cinematic history, Gaz. They would go for a pretty penny.

GAZ: So we'll lock the bus doors. Admit it, Anthony you're scared aren't you?

ANTHONY: I am not scared of some sweaty, overweight hairy arsed mammoth with no teeth and breath that could wilt a Horsechestnut tree.

GAZ: He's scared. Come on everyone. Let's go and get coffees.

INT. TRUCK STOP - DAY

TRUCKER PETE: Hey, Bessie why don't you sit your purdy little tushie down on my lap and pour me another root beer?

BESSIE: Because I don't wanna feel your maggot-sized P.E.N.I.S tryin' to poke through my uniform, that's why, Shit-Breath Pete.

OTHER TRUCKERS LAUGH AND JEER.

TRUCKER PETE: Well, how's about I just goes ahead and pokes you anyway?

BESSIE: Get the hell off me! Let go!

F/X: DOOR OPENS

GAZ: Hey! Leave her alone!

TRUCKER PETE: Or what?

GAZ: Or... You'll have to answer to me.

TIM: What are you doing, Gaz? He is the size and density of a morbidly obese Bison and half as intelligent.

JULES: And he's wearing plaid with dungarees. The man's insane.

GAZ: Back me up dudes.

JULES: What with? You've got a professional sewer and an ex-model. I don't think a fashion shoot is going to stop this guy.

GAZ: Just stay close. Stay close. Okay. I know what to do. I know. Get him!!

TRUCKER PETE: Raaaaghgghghghghgh!!!

GAZ: Run!!!!

GRAMS: RUNNING AWAY MUSIC

###

Savage crit welcomed. Thanks.

Bumping this. Anyone have any feedback on this?

Thanks.

As usual, your dialogue is good - some funny lines.
But something should have happened by now, some sort of indication of whatever plots is going to drive the episode - it's just talking at the moment.
And that makes it quite a hard read, I'm afraid to say.

As Lazzard says it need some narrative behind the lines, else it is just banter and people putting other people down.

The dialogue is sound, so that's good. Do the characters come across well? Are they well defined?

No.
There's too many of them IMHO.
i'm getting a rough idea - but would have more of an idea if I knew what they were doing rather than just what they're saying.

I can see the effort but I can't offer much on the dialogue as Space and Sci Fi does my head in.

It needs reviewing by a fan of the genre to get the type of feedback you need.
Sci Fi is a massive market so its worth batting on with, but this piece needs a nerd it's that simple.

It could be gold for all I know so I would have a cheek commenting anything that is negative about it.

Yes, there are a lot of people talking at once. I admit I didn't have a plot, it's a character study mostly, trying to get to grips with who they are.

It's the same old problem for me: work on character, not enough story. Work on story/plot, not enough character interplay,n or the jokes aren't there.

This is probably why people often write sitcom in pairs.

Do it on your own!
Get five characters in your head, invent their traits looks etc, become ttally conversant with them.

Then instead of trying to explain them to the reader in one big data dump, just start them off doing stuff as though the reader already knows them.

If they're strong enough they will do fine as every nuance will gradually become apparent without direct referencing.

Out of interest have you ever tried to write sitcom, Teddy?

I've got more pilots than the RAF but they're all stuck in hangars gathering dust.

Have you ever sent any to producers or competitions? I've never done the comps but I've sent to producers. Wow, they don't pull any punches.

Only writers room got nowhere, had two people a while back got a trip to London out of it.

I've not tried Writers' Room. It might be a better idea than trying to get something produced, which is as likely as winning the lottery. The feedback I got from producers is the most useful I've had though. It does make me question why I keep doing this however.

Never doubt just hope.