Exploring puts hairs on your chest.

Ah, wrote this in Feb '05, stuck it away in a dusty corner of my pc and promptly forgot about it until it surfaced this evening. Think this would probably work better as a radio sketch. I've cut and pasted the whole thing as I'm certainly not typing it all out again so sorry if that causes any layout issues, I'll try and edit any major problems.

EXT. JUNGLE. DAY.
F/X: GENERAL JUNGLE INSECT/BIRD SOUNDS IN BACKGROUND CONTINUING THROUGHOUT. THE SOUND OF GREENERY BEING HACKED GETS LOUDER AND THEN STOPS.

EXPLORER: What-ho!

NATIVE: Hello? Do I know you?

EXPLORER: Yes, we're explorers and we own this country now.

NATIVE: Oh, do you?

EXPLORER: Yes. Look, we've planted a flag and everything.

NATIVE: That coloured bit of cloth on a pole?

EXPLORER: That's it, flag, yes.

NATIVE: Doesn't really seem like a legally binding document to me. What happened to the old rulers?

EXPLORER: Oh, we had to shoot them.

NATIVE: Shoot them?

EXPLORER: Yes, thunderstick go boom and so on.

NATIVE: Yes, thank you, I'm quite aware of the concept of modern firearms.

EXPLORER: Sorry, I didn't mean to be patronising.

NATIVE: I'm sure you did really.

EXPLORER: Well, now you come to mention it...

NATIVE: So, and sorry to go back to this whole 'country ownership' thing again.

EXPLORER: Flag.

NATIVE: Er, quite, but you're trying to say that by the simple act of arriving here in a boat, planting this...

EXPLORER: Flag.

NATIVE: ...thankyou, and shooting anyone who opposes you that you are now the new owners of this country.

EXPLORER: Flag. Yes.

NATIVE: Despite people like me who've lived here for thousands of years and, so to speak, were ahead of you in the queue?

EXPLORER: Got it in one.

NATIVE: Right, well, I think I'm just going to speak to my solicitor about this, do you have legal representation?

EXPLORER: I've got a gun.

NATIVE: Hmm, that won't really stand up in court.

EXPLORER: Neither will you if I shoot you.

NATIVE: Good point. Perhaps I was mistaken about wanting the native people of the land to rule their own country.

EXPLORER: Glad you saw it my way in the end.

NATIVE: Can you stop pressing the gun barrel into my throat now?

EXPLORER: Oh, sorry, it's become a habit over the past few months.

NATIVE: Really?

EXPLORER: Oh yes.

NATIVE: So, you're probably aiming to, what, exploit our mineral wealth?

EXPLORER: Erm, I was more thinking along the lines of shipping you to a distant country to carry out unpaid work.

NATIVE: Is 'slavery' the word you're looking for here?

EXPLORER: I prefer to think of it as being pro-active in an involuntary-working paradigm.

NATIVE: Sorry?

EXPLORER: Flag.

NATIVE: Yes, that's what I thought you said. So, the overcrowded, disease-infested hulk of death is over this way is it?

EXPLORER: That's it, just follow the signs.

NATIVE: You're very organised, done this before?

EXPLORER: Oh yes, several times.

NATIVE: Mmm, which empire are you from by the way?

EXPLORER: The British Empire, can't you tell by our moustaches and sexual repression.

NATIVE: Oh yes, silly me. Tell me, what is your man over there doing with my sister.

EXPLORER: Ah, that's Clement, he's still working on the repression bit.

NATIVE: Well, I must say, you're much better than the last empire we had in here.

EXPLORER: Who was that?

NATIVE: The Ottomans.

EXPLORER: Oh, them.

NATIVE: It was rubbish, we'd sit down on that ridiculous furniture, forget it didn't have a back and go arse over tit.

EXPLORER: Anyway, I can't stand here all day.

NATIVE: Other people to repress eh?

EXPLORER: Got it in one.

NATIVE: Well, I'll be off to the ship then.

EXPLORER: Oh before you go, could you just stand here whilst my colleague takes a photograph of you?

NATIVE: I'd rather not, each picture captures part of your soul you know, making you less of a person inside.

EXPLORER: Balderdash. That's just primitive superstition.

NATIVE: No, s'true. I'll go to my demeaning job and untimely death then. See you.

EXPLORER: Yes, goodbye. (BEAT) (to himself) What a nice man.

NATIVE: (to himself) Idiot.

Some nice lines, but felt it was a bit overlong.

Used to do wargaming in my youth, so know the Ottoman Empire well. The longest lasting empire in history. Sad geeky me enjoyed seeing that in text!!!!

he sketch seemed to mix locations. I felt it started as invasion of the Inca's by the Spanish, then I was thrown off by the introduction of the ottoman's. Completley different time periods. God I am so bloody geeky!!!!!!!! (Although cetainly not infallible, and I didn't check google before I responded)

I think a pause is required after the 'leu need a pause before the gally binding document' line. I laughed at this out loud, but the 'What ever happened to the old rulers' line

Again the solicitor lines good. I think down to the fact it's not expected in a historical sketch

There is certainly promise in the idea, but I think you need to shorten it a bit, leraving in the best stuff.

Hope I don't sound to negative, it's a very good concept

I really liked that for a whole bunch of reasons (amusing, ironic, etc). Good writing. Formatting OK (good as we can get with cut and paste which loses most of the indenting etc. ... although probably there originally). Stuff like this makes one think. Yup ... roll out some more ... and welcome (again!)

Yes - I liked the concept but agreed with Rosco that it was bit too long.

Apologies, I was drunk when I wrote that. I never should have admitted to doing wargaming!!

If you make the explorers American and set it in Eastern Europe, you would have a very powerful sketch.

I very much echo the overwritten aspect of this otherwise very agreeable sketch. Would you consider writing a tighter second draft and resubmitting?

Many thankees for the responses, I'm glad that on the whole it went down well and it seemed to be enjoyed.

I can't really argue with the overlong comment as most people agree that it could be trimmed down to make it neater. It is the first version I wrote of it and I was so excited at rediscovering it I just stuck it on here without a thought of a rewrite. It would be useful to find out if you've got any opinions on parts that work and lines that you feel could be binned. F'rinstance I'm thinking that lines like:

EXPLORER: Sorry, I didn't mean to be patronising.

NATIVE: I'm sure you did really.

EXPLORER: Well, now you come to mention it...

Could be chopped as it's more filler than killer, but your thoughts would be appreciated.

As for the setting, well, I'd deliberately kept it vague. The problem I've found with historical accuracy is that once you try to use it you're stuck with it and it can be rather limiting. Suffice to say that I'd really no idea which island the Native lived on, let's call it Tim, because there really should be an island called Tim.

I have to be honest here and say that I think that the overlong, slightly rambling nature of this piece is probably fairly indicative of most of my work, (including this reply!), mainly due to the way that I write.
Usually, I'll start off with a fairly small idea, if I'm lucky a conclusion too, and try to join one to the other with a string of events/dialogue. Sometimes I'll have pre-determined lines in my head and push the conversation in a suitable direction so they can be used. Admittedly this does tend to lead to a rather lengthy final piece and sometimes with no idea of how to end it it will just go on and on and on until something suitable pops into my head.

Anyway, if y'all could let me know your thoughts on what you feel needs to stay or go I'll definitely do a rewrite and post it again.

P.S. Rosco, I've done a bit of wargaming in my time too, but shhh, if you don't tell anyone I won't and they'll never find out. I mean, it's not like I'm going to admit to it on a web forum or anything is it?

Oh bumholes...

Actually I've read it through again and I don't know what you could cut out. If it was performed it probably wouldn't really sem that long.