HENRY THE HOOVER PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER
Henry the Hoovers cute aren't they? With their smiley faces and bowler hats?
Burt Pilchards a professional handyman begs to differ.
Burt had been working at St Winifreds home for the elderly and confused.
"I was just changing Henry's lint filter when he spoke to me, I was quite surprised there was no one else in my workshop so it must have been him."
He asked me to bring down to the workshop Mrs Arbiter, why he wanted to see a 90 year old woman with alzheimers is beyond me.
"I was shocked as everyone else when her mutilated remains were found in the airing cupboard I tell you! I thought the smell was a bit strong for a mouse caught behind a radiator."
By this time police and social services were concerned about the home missing another 4 residents, a health visitor and the cat.
"I had my suspicions said Burt but well who'd have suspected a hoover? I mean they're so cure with their little wheels and hoses for noses. What would drive one to kill and kill again?"
By this time Burt and Henry's relationship had moved beyond mere man and vacum cleaner or even friendship.
"Yes we'd begun a sexual relationship round about the time Mrs Arbiter disapeared. Henry was just so charming and he always had time for my problems, not like my wife."
(Police are still making enquiries into the whereabouts of Mrs Pilchards)
The police rejected Burt's initial story that the residents had all been killed by a psychotic cleaning device posessed by the spirit of Fred West.
"I think they rejected the story when they found all the victims underwear in my store cupboard. What I don't understand is how Henry managed to stain the pants with my semen? Probably fished one of my used johnnies out of the bin."
And now Burt awaits trial for 5 cases of murder, one case of sexually agravated animal cruelty and 23 cases of petty theft.
Henry has gone free and is currently for sale in a Tewkesbery cash convertor.
The question is do you know where your vacum cleaner is tonight?
Don't have nightmares.
I liked this a lot. I thought it cleverly writen and really flowed. 