DI Liar

Nicky after your post and my subsequent reply I decided to do a character based on your name and photo. If in anyway you find this offensive I will remove it without qualm. I am presenting the first few minutes or so of what I would normally make into a half hour pilot, I'll do the rest if you’re interested in seeing an outcome.

Teddy

DI Liar
Episode One
Shire Squad

Early Morning in the Village

The scene opens with a snazzy racing bike leaning against the porch of a rose covered cottage. An elderly lady is in the front garden pruning roses.

Two men are passing by the house.

1st MAN
“Isn’t that Nicky Liars ten geared?”

2nd MAN
“It certainly is I’d recognise it anywhere!”

1st MAN
“That’s a bit strong isn’t it Mr Forshaw is in her eighties, you don’t reckon he’s ....”

2nd MAN
“No don’t be daft, I heard her talking in the post office yesterday, her eighteen year old niece and the bisexual Swedish au pair are staying over for a week”

1st MAN
“No wonder his bikes outside!”

The two men walk on as we see DI Nicky Liar leave the cottage, the camera closes in as we see a pair of very shaky hands struggling with the bike lock. The camera then pans out as the DI takes a bottle from under the cross bar and sniffs it to the point that he jerks his head back. He then drinks the entire contents in one go and this has the effect of smelling salts. DI Liar mounts his bike and pedals down the path,

We cut to the village hall; the mayor is on stage addressing a packed hall of concerned villagers

MAYOR
“I’m not prepared to go as far as some have suggested, but I have to admit the amount of sudden deaths in the village is shocking “

VILLAGER 1
“Sudden deaths my arse, thirty five people have been murdered in less than a fortnight!”

MAYOR
(Holds up his hands to calm the rising dissent)
“I’ll admit a few of the deaths have raised an eyebrow”

VILLAGER 1
“Raised a f**king eyebrow! The village pond’s been dragged that many times all the frogs have f**ked off”

VILLAGER 2
“How about Betty Oldwhistle eh, 95 years of age and she gets found dead in on top of a pylon strapped to a bloody hang glider!”

VILLAGER 3
“What about Mr Hodgkin’s, we all know that the man never drank in his life! The next minute we’re told he got blitzed and drove his tractor off Deadmans Gorge!”

VILLAGER 4
“They said Miss Horncastle choked to death on a nut in her cake, but there was no mention of the fact that her back door had been smashed in as well”

VILLAGER 5
(addressing villager 4)
“When you say back door do you mean...? “

MAYOR
“I agree, things look dodgy but the police....”

Villager 1
“Police that’s a laugh, we don’t see a copper round here from one week to the next, no wonder a serial killers set up shop!”

MAYOR
“The police have assured me that there is no serial killer in the village!”

VILLAGER 2
“They don’t care, they’re too busy dealing with the crack hoes, pimps and gangster shit that’s going on over in Ruddley!”

MAYOR
“I can assure you that the police do take these ‘Incidents’ seriously, so much so that I am pleased to announce that our very own DI Nicky Liar is being brought in to sort the lot out”

Village hall erupts with cheering
VILLAGER 3
“Who is he?”

VILLAGER 4
“Only the best detective in ten counties! “

Scene
A small cottage represents the Village Police station, everyone in the station has to duck because the ceilings are very low

WPC WOOD
“They say DI Liars been given the case”

SGT MUCK
“You take my advice and you keep away from him young lady!”

WPC WOOD
“Sergeant I am not stupid you know, I know his reputation with women”

SGT MUCK
“You don’t know the half of it young lady, do you know what he asked the receptionist at Swan Hotel?”

WPC Wood cranes her head for the gossip

Outside the cottage cop shop we see DI Liar approaching the door, as he enters without knocking WPC Wood is almost retching into her hat.

DI Liar
“Morning Sergeant Muck, now what’s all this I hear about a serial killer”

SGT MUCK
“Hard to say if there is one sir! There has been a rise in unexplainables I’ll grant you, but you know this village better than I do, you know what this lot are like. They might all be mad as hatters but I don’t see them as serial killers”

DI LIAR
“I agree Muck! However I’ll need to use the kitchen as an incident room and I’ll need a flip chart and dais!”

SGT MUCK
“We could use the blackboard from the village school, but as for using the kitchen, we’re half way through pickling twenty sacks of onions for next year’s police stall at the local fete!”

DI LIAR
“I’m sorry Muck but if I don’t get started on this case there might not be anyone alive by next years fete!

SGT MUCK
“I see sir, well I can move the pickling stuff over to my house, but the Pig will have to go altogether!”

DI Liar then address’s WPC Wood

DI LIAR
“And you are?”

WPC WOOD
“WPC Wood sir!”

DI LIAR
“So wood I”

WPC WOOD
“I beg your pardon”

DI LIAR
(Points at a rota on the station wall)

“Your name it’s there Wood I, what’s the I stand for, Irene?”

WPC WOOD
“It’s Ingrid, Ingrid wood”

DI LIAR
“Ingrid Wood what?”

WPC WOOD
“Pardon”

DI LIAR
“I think you meant to say Ingrid Wood sir!”

WPC Wood
“Sorry Sir, Ingrid Wood sir”

DI LIAR
(Cheesy smile)
“I know”

Teddy, I'm honoured to be even the slightest bit inspiring. You go for it my good man, loving it so far. Although I'm not a copper there are a few references in there that make me suspect you know me. I'm intrigued and extremely amused.

Mum, is that you? I've told you before about masquerading as a man from Liverpool and cyber-stalking me.

Back to the village hall, the crowd have not dispersed and are chatting amongst themselves.

VILLAGER 1
“He caught the Snodbury Strangler in five minutes flat”

VILLAGER 2
“To be fair I heard the man was on his way to hand himself in and fell over DI Liar outside the station while he was tucking his pants into his socks to get ready to get on his bike and go round to the crime scene!”

VILLAGER 3
“The mans a legend, he’s been shot twice and he lost a toe gardening”

VILLAGER 4
“I heard it was irate husbands that done for im, I heard he’s a wrong un with the women”

The double doors to the village hall open and DI Liar enters with WPC Wood in tow. He walks through the crowd who step back in awe as he and the WPC walk up onto the stage. The Mayor and the DI shake hands and then the DI addresses the villagers.

DI LIAR
“Well there’s no need for introductions I know you and you all know me. So you’ll also know that I’m not here to fart about! I could waste my time going door to door, but why bother, most of you are here. For those who are not here, I’m sure Suzy Watkins over there will let them know everything that was said?”

Villagers laugh

VILLAGER 1
“You’re dead right there she’s a nosey cow”

Villagers laugh

VILLAGER 2
“She can’t keep her piss!”

Villagers laugh

VILLAGER 3
“She’s a f**king peado!”

The hall falls silent

DI LIAR
“Alright joking apart, I need to get to the bottom of this before anyone else meets a sudden end!”

VILLAGER 1
“Sudden end! They reckon it took four days for those chickens to eat old Joe Mallard‘s body!”

VILLAGER 2
“I’m not surprised he was wearing that big overcoat he always had on”

VILLAGER 1
“How do you know?”

VILLAGER 2
“Because smart arse they found five dead chickens and they all had buttons in the crops!”

VILLAGER 1
“Chickens haven’t got crops, that’s turkeys, anyway who are you calling smart arse?”

A disturbance breaks out

DI LIAR
(Holding up his hands)
“Please people I don’t want to have to start arresting anybody now do I, do you really think a night in station will help?”

VILLAGER 1
(Pointing at WPC Wood)
“Will she be there Nicky?”

DI LIAR
(Laughs)
“I’m afraid not lads, I have no idea where she sleeps”

VILLAGER 2
“Who mentioned sleeping?”

Villagers laugh

VILLAGER 3
“Do you reckon she’s up for a bit of anal?”

Village hall falls silent

DI LIAR
“Terry that’s twice now, calm down ”

TERRIBLE TERRY
“Sorry Nick it’s my Tourettes f**king kicking in. I normally have a few sessions a week with Mr Robust that helps loads. But they found him dead with a f**king fork in his eye, I wouldn’t mind he never normally f**king eats in spaghetti in the f**king office”

DI LIAR
“Ok so getting back to the case and I think it is a case and I know I’m the man to crack it”

Villagers cheer

DI LIAR
“First off I know enough about these type of village killing sprees and I have already put together a few questions designed eliminate as many as possible in the shortest time. So now I want everyone in the hall to hold their left hand up and only put it down when the question doesn’t apply to you.”

The entire village hall raise their left arm.

DI LIAR
(Takes a piece of paper out of his inside pocket)
“Would anyone who has not had a public spat with any of the victims lower their arms”

DI Liar looks out over the hall as he continues

DI LIAR
“Has anyone here changed their name by Deed Poll?”

DI Liar looks out over the hall as he continues
DI LIAR
“Has any one here reason to believe that they may have an illicit sibling child or evil type twin”

DI Liar looks out over the hall as he continues

DI LIAR
“Has, oh what the f**k!”

The camera pans onto the assembled villagers everyone of them still has their arm raised.

WHAT DO YOU THINK SO FAR NICKY?
IF YOU LIKE IT I'LL CONTINUE IN SKETCH TYPE SET UPS LIKE THIS AS IT IS A GREAT EXERCISE FOR ME AND REFRESHING TO HAVE MY WORK ACTUALLY READ.

F**king love it Teddy/Mum, please keep writing, I want to see if I get off with WPC Wood.

Hello Nicky I'm glad you like it, I know its very rough but once I have put it up in sketches I should be able to knit it together and tidy it up.

It's a great exercise and at the end I should be able to knit it together and have yet another pilot for my portfolio, so its win win for me.

I have to admit I am very proud of the Tourettes victim and the way he is established, it made me laugh out loud and I love that feeling when I've written something. I always smirk a lot while I'm writing comedy but every now and then I hit on what I see as a gem and it still makes me laugh out loud the next day.

I'll have a real go tomorrow and have it finished off by Friday I'll put up three sections each day and that should do the trick.

It's very easy to read and very funny. Love the Tourette's part it made me laugh too. I like the small details in the dialogue "smashing her back door in" and the tell Suzy Watkins bit. Some cracking characters emerging and also some more uncanny nuances from my real life.

You've inspired me to get writing again Teddy. Thanks a lot and I can't wait for the next installment.

DI Liar storms out of the hall with WPC Wood close behind. As they exit the hall there is a small group of villagers outside ‘Topp of the Mourning’ undertakers shop having a heated discussion with the owner.

VILLAGER 1
“Well as far as we’re concerned you’re the only one gaining from all these murders”

PADDY TOPP
(Thick Irish Brogue)
“Get away you idjut, no one’s been murdered if they had I wouldn’t be burying the poor souls, they’d still be in the police mortuary at Ruddley, now wouldn’t they?”

VILLAGER 2
“What type of undertaker drives a Porsche?”

PADDY TOPP
“Ah now we’ve hit the nub of the matter haven’t we? Well let’s get down to the bare bones shall we? You don’t like me because I’m making a fair few shilling. Well that’s tough because I’ve legally earned every penny I’ve ever spent and that’s more than I can say for half of you lot!”

VILLAGER 2
“What are you getting at?”

PADDY TOPP
“Argh away with the lot of you, do you think I’m blind! You Fred Dawson you’ve been poaching for that long there isn’t a rabbit or a pheasant left for thirty miles, even the ones at the local school have gone!”

FRED DAWSON
“That was foxes!”

PADDY TOPP
“Foxes my arse,what would they live on round here, you've cleaned every bush, field and wood of wildlife! Besides hey were in a hutch and the lock was picked! And what about you Jimmy Ellis and the ‘ large barn eggs’ you ship out to Ruddley market?”

JIMMY ELLIS
“There’s nothing wrong with my eggs!”

PADDY TOPP
“Nothing wrong, some of those eggs are smaller than a Budgies!”

FRED ELLIS
“I’ve already been through this with the Trading Standards, my barn is 800 ft square so that makes it a large barn, the size of the eggs is down to the bloody hens”

VILLAGER 3
“Stop getting off the point you murdering bastard!”

The villagers become unruly

PADDY TOPP
“Murderer is it Bobby Jarvis? Who was it that gassed those holiday makers like Badgers eh? You forget I was the one who had to go up there with the coroner it was like the bloody Somme!”

BOBBY JARVIS
“That wasn’t my fault I had those caravans checked every winter”

PADDY TOPP
“Checked is it? We all know you used Lenny Parsons to save a few shillings!”

BOBBY JARVIS
“Lenny Parsons told me he was a registered plumber”

PADDY TOPP
“The logo on his bills said C-R-O-G-I”

BOBBY JARVIS
“Alright there’s no need to spell it out we’re not on f**king Seasame Street, I admit I should have looked at it closer”

VILLAGER 4
“What about poor Nelly Landsdowne? You charged her distant cousin that much to bury that she never had enough money left to travel over from New Zealand for the bloody funeral!”

PADDY TOPP
“That’s rich coming from you Betty Aunt, it was your take away that dropped off 100% of her food, the women weighed 56 stone for god’s sake! I had to get Ruddley Plant hire down here just to get her out of the front room windows! That’s why the bill was so high! And I know for a fact that you told her that pastrami was one of her five a day!”

BETTY AUNT
“I been through that already! I told the silly cow she could only have FIVE pizzas a day, my hands are clean, how was I supposed to know she was a shut in?”

PADDY TOPP
“She was paying by standing bloody order!”

The villagers and Paddy Topp start tousling each other as DI Liar and WPC Wood approach

DI LIAR
“Alright let’s stop the squabbling, these murders are tearing this village apart! You people have known each other your entire lives”

VILLAGER 1
(Pointing at Paddy Topp)
“Not him we haven’t he’s a bloody outsider”

PADDY TOPP
“I’ve been here thirty seven years!”

VILLAGER 2
“See what I mean!”

DI LIAR
“Look you all know me, I have a fair idea who the murderer is and that person is not here, so go back to your homes and businesses and let me sort this out !”

The villagers disperse with mumbling

WPC WOOD
“SO you already know who the killer is?”

DI LIAR
“I haven’t the foggiest but we are not going to learn much if one half of the village has the other half in a headlock will we?”

WPC WOOD
“Smart thinking sir, so what’s our next move?”

DI LIAR
“Sex”

WPC WOOD
“Pardon”

DI LIAR
“Dave Sex, he’s sort of the village idiot, but he’s a lot sharper than people give him credit for, he never misses anything that goes on around here, so if anyone knows something it will be him”

A bottle green caravan in the middle of a field , DI Liar and WPC Woods are knocking on the door to no avail. DI Liar then looks through the window and then runs back and forces the door open with his shoulder.

Dave Sex is inside on the floor in his hands there is a steam iron and the ironing board is set up.
WPC Wood attempts to feel for a pulse but on feeling the body she instantly recognises the sad truth

WPC WOOD
“He’s stone dead sir, been dead for at least 24 hours”

DI Liar is standing by the ironing board, he sees a mobile phone and picks it up. As he holds it we can see that it has had six missed calls from DI Liar.

DI LIAR
“No wonder I couldn’t reach him yesterday”

WPC Wood is still by the body, she turns its head and we see that the entire left hand side of the victims face has been burned with the iron”

WPC WOODS
“I think he’s been tortured, it looks we’re not the only ones who thought he might know something!”

DI LIAR
“Let’s go Woods, there’s nothing here for us now, I’ll get Ruddley CSI over see what they can find out”

As they are walking away from the caravan WPC Woods looks concerned and speaks out.

WPC WOODS
“You don’t think he answered the iron instead of his mobile do you sir?”

DI LIAR
“That’s what the killers want us to think Woods,it would seem that they’re a lot cleverer than I originally thought”

It just keeps getting better Teddy. Like the line about being here 37 years and still an outsider, very reminiscent of the village I was born in. I saw the bit about the iron and the phone coming but it was still funny.

You have a very vivid imagination, did you have the germ of an idea prior to this or have you just been making it up as you go along?

I make it up as I go along, it was just when I saw your picture I get the idea of a a rustic cop. I also freely admit that the iron was corny but I do have a weakness for the old ones. To be honest Nicky I'm just re reading the last post then doing another sketch type section as I write so its a good exercise and the feedback helps keep me in check as I have a tendency to go off on tangents.
I'll do another section with my dinner

Is there an echo in here!?

For some reason my posts are duplicating themselves.

Hello Joyce I had no idea someone else was reading my stuff, welcome aboard.

We see a hand turning off a light switch.

In the darkness we hear noises and disturbance.

The light comes back on.

We are in the Village Hall once more.

On the stage is a sign saying ‘Free Antique Valuations Service’

On the stage a man in a yellow and brown checked suit and brown bowler hat is lying across a trestle table with a bayonet in his back.

No one else is in the hall.

The hall is littered with second hand wardrobes, tallboys and occasional tables etc. On the floor there are a vase, a carriage clock and a painting of a cat sitting on an old woman’s lap.

DI Nicky Liar and WPC Wood enter the hall and survey the scene as they speak.

WPC WOOD
“I can’t believe that they went ahead with the antique show with all these murders going on”

DI Nicky Liar is holding up the painting and examining it as he replies.

DI NICKY LIAR
“You have to understand these people Wood, this antiques day is traditional and if there’s one thing this village loves, its tradition. This ones being going on since 1919, It started after the first world war after the village sent out a division of mounted volunteers who then came back with a surprising amount of erm ‘Souvenirs’“

WPC WOOD
‘I’m surprised the village is still here after that sir. Most of the poor buggers who went over to fight never came back; an entire generation was almost lost”

DI NICKY LIAR
“Oh we never lost a man; the entire troop came back intact”

WPC WOODS
“That’s amazing?”

DI NICKY LIAR
“To be fair they only saw one piece of action but it was extremely conclusive. On its first day ashore the troop led a Calvary charge against an enemy camp just outside Caen. Sadly the ‘Camp’ turned out to be a French field hospital, but seeing as there were no survivors and with the Army being keen on not upsetting its allies, the entire incident was hushed by blaming it on Cossacks. The lads were sent home the next day and ordered to keep their heads down till Armistice Day”

WPC WOODS
“ Well if I’m not mistaken that’s a World War One bayonet sticking out of the victims back, so it’s safe to presume that our killer has stopped bothering to make his work look like an accident!”

DI LIAR
“Not necessarily Wood’s! The victim in this case is ‘Dodgy’ Donald Harris, an antiques dealer with a long history of fleecing people, this murder may not be connected at all, hence the lack of pretence”

WPC WOOD
“Then we’re looking for someone who has had a problem with him, but if as you say he’s well known for swindling ,the list could be huge!”

DI NICKY LIAR
“Not to mention he’s from Ruddley! There’s no love lost on that front!”

The Mayor enters the hall only to find his route blocked by the furniture, he shouts up to the DI who is on stage from behind a chest of drawers.

MAYOR
“Someone said that Dodgy Donald’s been murdered now, this is getting ridiculous!”

DI LIAR
“I agree, but what I want to know is who told you? Looking at what’s been left behind this hall was obviously packed at the time so there must be plenty of witnesses, we can start with who told you that Dodgy Donald was dead”

MAYOR
“It was Terrible Terry, he’s in the snug of the Oak”

Snug of the Royal Oak pub, Terrible Terry is sitting at a window table on his own. The table is full of different drinks that look like they were hastily drunk.

DI Liar, the Mayor and WPC Wood enter the Oak and approach Terrible Terry
DI Liar looks at the abandoned drinks as he speaks.

DI LIAR
“So Terry you told the Mayor that Dodgy Donald had been murdered”

TERRIBLE TERRY
“I f**king never you f**king bastard!”

MAYOR
“Terry , calm down ,you told me less than ten minutes ago!”

TERRIBLE TERRY
“I said he was f**king dead! I never said he was f**king murdered you f**king dickhead!”

DI LIAR
“No problem Terry, how did you know he was dead”

TERRIBLE TERRY
“I was there wasn’t I, I tried to sell him the picture of my nan and her f**king pussy!”

WPC WOOD
To the mayor
“He means the cat, we saw the painting”

TERRIBLE TERRY
“I know what I f**king meant! Anyway when I got to the front of the queue that twat Dodgy Don was in the middle of offering me ten f**king quid when the f**king lights went off. When they came back on I was the only one there”

DI LIAR
“Well who was there before the lights went out?”

TERRIBLE TERRY
“I don’t know do I? I had my f**king back to the f**king hall because I was in the f**king queue I’ve just f**king told you that you soft c**t!”

WPC WOOD
“Sir earlier this year we had a local crime prevention drive. “We put invisible ink postcodes on an awful lot of valuables for the villagers so if we get the infa red scanner from the station I’m sure most of the furniture in the hall will contain their owners postcodes!”

DI LIAR
“Brilliant Wood, let’s get at it”

We see DI Liar, WPC Wood and the Mayor standing in the Village Hall which is now empty of furniture including the table that the body was on!

The plot thickens....

This is gripping stuff Teddy. Loved the bit about the lads keeping their heads down until Armistice Day. Can I play DI Liar if this gets commissioned?

You are DI LIAR, no one else would do!

Brilliant

I'll send you my rider.....