British Comedy Guide

Skit Comp 28.8 - 4.9.12 Page 2

IRENE AND CATH SIT ON THE SOFA CHATTING OVER TEA AND CAKE

IRENE
If you ever guess then I'll have to kill you.

THEY LAUGH HEARTILY.

CATH
I've been eating your Dundee cake for twenty five years Irene , and I'm still none the wiser what your secret ingredient is, so I think I'm fairly safe.

THEY FALL INTO FITS OF GIGGLES, NIBBLING AWAY ON THE FRUITY SLICES.

CATH
I was thinking of knitting Malcolm a new Arran sweater for his birthday, hint of mint this time, what do you think?

IRENE'S FACE STIFFENS
Hint of mint... (Her eyes dart towards the Dundee cake)

CATH
Well he's been having boring cream ones for the last... (She stops, follows Irene's gaze to the half eaten Dundee cake)
Mint? Its mint isn't it? well I'll be......

A SHOT RINGS THROUGH THE AIR - CATH SLUMPS FORWARD INTO THE REMAINS OF THE FRUITCAKE.

IRENE SITS MOTIONLESS, SMOKING GUN IN HAND.
I don't think mint would have suited Malcolm anyway....

INT. DAY A MAGIC SHOP CALLED 'WORLD OF PUZZLE'

A Harry Potter lookalike teenage boy saunters into a magic shop. He looks around at the merchandise.He pauses.He coughs for attention. He rings the bell on the counter. Nothing. He shouts, 'Hello?' A ghostly voice whispers, 'I'm over heeeeeere!'

Suddenly, a shop assistant dressed as Harry Potter jumps up from behind the counter. The boy screams. The shop assistant screams. They both hide. When they accidentally come face to face they scream and examine their identical clothing.

Assistant (brushing himself down)
OK mate, we're both dressed as Harry Potter, let's move on from that eh.

Boy
So this is world of puzzle.

Assistant
Might be. No, it's a ham shop wot sells ham. Exclusively.

Boy (looking around)
Is it?

Assistant (asking for more with his hands)
Er...

Boy
Oh, I can't ask for anything straight..

The assistant jumps for joy and rubs his hands together.

Boy
Oh, I want cotton sewn together like a magic man.

Pause. The assistant thinks.

Assistant
Got it! A wizard's outfit!

Boy
But I told you that.

The assistant looks mortally offended.

Assistant
Right. Tell me if this is real or not and you have it free.

He crouches behind the counter. Pause.
His bloody severed head appears on the counter.

Beat

The boy looks aghast. He examines the head. It is lifeless and real. Pause

The assistant leaps on the boy, cackling maniacally.

SCENE: int. delapidated tiled bathroom

ADAM (not awake) and LAWRENCE are handcuffed/chained to opposite sides of the room. By each of ADAM and LAWRENCE there's a rusty hacksaw. In between them is a male corpse, facedown with an apparent gunshot exit wound on the back of it's head, holding a gun, and a TV.

ADAM starts to stir and regain consciousness.

ADAM
Hrghhh! What the-! Where am I?

LAWRENCE
You're awake and in hell.

The TV Screen springs to life and we see Jigsaw - a perverse doll - talking at the screen.

JIGSAW
(SINISTER) Rise and Shine, Adam. You'll be wondering where you are. I'll tell you where you might be - you might be in the room that you die in.
What do voyeurs see when they look into the mirror? I see you as a strange mix of someone angry yet apathetic. But mostly just pathetic.
So are you going to watch yourself die today, Adam, or do something about it?

ADAM
I don't get it. What do you wan-

LAWRENCE
Shh - there's more.

JIGSAW
(SINISTER) And you, Dr Gordon, this is your wake up call.
Every day of your working life, you have given people the news that they are going to die soon. Now you will be the cause of death. Your aim in this game is to kill Adam. You have til 6 on the clock to do it.
If you do not kill Adam by six then your wife and daughter will die, Dr Gordon. And I'll leave you in this room to rot.
Let the game begin.

Jigsaw freezes on the screen - it appears that he was a videotaped performance.

LAWRENCE
Game? What game?

ADAM
The game of survival. Don't you get it, that's Jigsaw.

LAWRENCE
Jigsaw? The nutjob who's obviously missing a piece or two?

JIGSAW
(Still on TV, but moving again) Well I prefer: Jigsaw - the evil genius who kidnaps people and forces them through brilliantly sadistic puzzles to prove how much they want to live.

ADAM
Err - I thought you were a tape recording.

JIGSAW
I am - that's how clever I am. I've anticipated your every move, your ever question.

LAWRENCE
That is good.

JIGSAW
Thank you.

ADAM
And this is one of your puzzles now...

JIGSAW
Yes - by each of you there is a hacksaw. You'll never saw through the tempered steel of the handcuffs, but flesh and bone is not so tough.

LAWRENCE
You expect us to saw through our bodies to escape?

JIGSAW
Yes - if you want to live.

ADAM
These are new handcuffs aren't they?

JIGSAW
Brand new and almost impossible to get out of...

ADAM
Actually too many middle-aged couples were getting stuck trying to spice things up, so new handcuffs have this safety release catch... (fiddles with his handcuffs and we hear a click and they come undone) there!

LAWRENCE
(Undoing his cuffs) Oh yeah.

JIGSAW
But you're still stuck in a room with only one door that's locked with no hope of-

Both ADAM and LAWRENCE stand and go over to examine the door.

ADAM
Ah - night latch locks. You really shouldn't have used them.

LAWRENCE
Or if you did you should have put the keyhole on the inside of the room and the knob on the outside...

ADAM and LAWRENCE turn the knobs to open the Night Latches, and open the door.

LAWRENCE
You've not done this before have you?

Jigsaw
No. This is the first film.

ADAM
You'll get better for the sequel.

ADAM walks out of the room.

LAWRENCE
By the way - you can tell you're breathing.

LAWRENCE turns and kicks the dead man, who issues a muffled grunt and JIGSAW on the screen winces, then turns and exits the room slamming the door shut.

DEAD MAN
(TURNING OVER & SITTING UP) Bugger.

Lazzard for me
Although I liked all the others as well.

Lazzard for me
Although I liked all the others as well.

I was up for Lazzard but Shandonbelle's late post was superb and a worthy winner for me.

Not a great week, imo: I'm voting for Tuumble.

I'll vote for Overlay, a great premise.

Between Gappy and Lazzard but liked the dippy hippy ending of Gappy's so he gets my vote this week.

Runner up prizes to Lazzard & Shandonbelle, but I think I'll plump for Overlay this week.

Some good lines in Tursiops. Really liked Judgement Dave's whole premise. While I think the Boss's lines in particular could do with work I'll go with Gappy. Some great lines in it.

I liked Overlay's ending, and all of Gappy's video games, but Lazzard's jigsaws won me over and get my vote.

Ha! I never expected to get a vote but thanks Stylee TingTing for making my evening. My vote goes to Shandonbelle after what has been quite a close one this week.

Tuumble

Overlay.

Gappy, I think.
Could do with an edit, but good premis and some nice lines.

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