SCHOOL DAZE
The sitcom revolves around four teachers in a college for languages. They disagree amongst themselves but pull together against the boss, students and the outside world... TOM is a cool intellectual whose brain puts him above the surrounding chaos but makes him cold and arrogant. WILL is all clipped nervy monosyllables, frustrated in life and work, his desire to be loved by women (including his mother) making him affectionate but also a royal pain in the arse. AL is a hulking party animal hiding an inferiority complex, his craziness leading him to lash out but also creating hilarity in a dull teaching world. TODD is just plain stoopid, with a child-like faith in humankind that gets everyone into trouble; but he loves his job and often spells out obvious solutions the others miss. Their boss is MR LEE, ex-army officer and typical bureaucrat, blustering but terrified of losing face and (when alone) suddenly camp. Secretary MAUREEN is the real brains behind the show, understanding both Lee's need for esteem and the teachers' worries, though she's secretly frustrated by such menial tasks... The stars divide their time between the school, the digs (a disused bog) and the 'Nuclear Arms' pub, frequented by Larry (who once did a Tampax ad and is now convinced he's Laurence Olivier), Mr Wonka (an ex-Jehovah's-Witness-turned-salesman) and of course the bartender Eric (whose phoney courtesy covers his aim of screwing maximum wonga outa everyone before shutting up shop for good)... Typical situations are: exams; school inspectors; illness; holidays; giving up smoking; trying to get off with students; etc etc...
TWATS' MAGIC
Lights off.
LEE (off, groans harder and harder)
MAUREEN (off) Good morning Mr Lee.
Lee (off, screams)
MAUREEN (off) End-of-year examination papers…
LEE (off) Yeah look at the rubric on that figure of speech! Maureen we could get into the Daily Mail league tables page.
MAUREEN (off) Didn’t you fail your exams?
LEE (off) No I was banned for bringing in my lucky mascot, my (moved) cuddly furry copy of ‘Lett’s Pass Home Economics’.
MAUREEN (off) Well consider the staff…
Lights on.
Tom (tall and handsome), Will (nervy and bespectacled), Al (big and hulking), Todd (small and stupid) lie around in their digs.
LEE (off) Yes Tom got into Oxbridge…
TOM (looking at map) Where the hell is it?
MAUREEN (off) Will always gets beaten up on his way here.
WILL (on his mobile) P-please don’t do that again mother.
LEE (off) Al’s shy at first but he has a bit to drink…
AL (drinking vodka) Then I’m f**king irritating as well.
MAUREEN (off) Todd wanted to be self-employed…
TODD Guys I failed the interview.
MAUREEN (off) We better send the Tom, Will, Al and Todd Staff…
LEE (off) The twats.
MAUREEN (off) This exam to help them prepare the students…
LEE (off) Yes I can utilise our ultra-sophisticated fandabadozy inter-collegiate mailing system...
A paper aeroplane flies through the window…
Al picks it up, looks at it, blows his nose on it.
WILL Oh don’t let’s make such a hullabaloo. You know I’m ill…
TOM Yes last night you chundered so bad I phoned Benetton.
AL Great party wasn’t it?
WILL Please. One mustn’t be so coarse.
AL I ain’t f**king coarse… Ask Will’s mother.
Loud squelchy fart.
TOM Al!
AL It wasn’t me.
Louder fart.
Todd picks up Will’s phone. It farts louder.
WILL C-can I answer it?
TODD No Will, Tom has an engaging telephone manner.
Todd throws the phone at Tom, who switches it on.
TOM Who the f**k is this, tryna…? A wonderfully good morning to you Mr Lee… Yes Mr Lee… No Mr Lee…
TODD Who is it?
TOM I do believe the syllabus arrived this very moment and… (covers phone) Al!
AL I told you, it wasn’t…
Tom points at the paper aeroplane; Al wipes Will’s arse with it, then throws it to Tom, who unfolds it.
TOM And after giving it full (glances at paper) consideration I am convinced we are quite (looks at paper) prepared for tomorrow’s (does a double-take at it)... Goodbye Mr Lee. Best wishes to you wife – oh has she? Sorry.
WILL Tom how could you tell Mr Lee such a fib?
TOM Easy. I’m a c**t. Now listen. There’s an exam tomorrow, and thanks to our teaching the students are to examinations what McDonald’s is to food.
TODD (moved) McDonald’s…
TOM We gotta get together, organise a crash course…
TODD But none of us can even think about teaching…
AL So what’s new?
TODD We’re all too ill…
TOM Well I’m not ill really, I just pretended to get out of work.
AL Me neither! I just pretend to impress the girls. I’m actually the picture of good… (he throws up) Sorry Will.
TODD How can you be so flippant about your work? I love teaching no matter how ill I am…
WILL Me too. Especially now there’s a dishy lady in the group.
AL Shut up Will.
WILL I feel that if the lesson goes well it may make me more attractive to her.
AL Will in a minute I’m gonna have to kick your head in. And because we’re colleagues I’m gonna have to defend you by kicking my own head in. So please SHUT…
WILL I started off with grammar, then…
Lights off.
Ambulance.
LARRY (off) And he’s giving him an upper-mid side kick, a lower upper-middle back shot and a medium upper left-hand side knee in the nads… And he’s down! They’re giving him ten – twenty – no thirty quid to shut the f**k up…
ERIC (off) Larry…
LARRY (off) Yerse?
A pub.
Larry stands at the bar, looking through binoculars at the window. Eric is behind the bar, shaking his head.
ERIC Stop talking like a wanker.
LARRY How dare you. I’m improvising – seeking inspiration. For I am a stage artist, playing with the stage; a magical artist, playing with magic…
ERIC A piss-artist.
LARRY Now there’s a possibility.
ERIC You’re a parasite... That’s eight quid fifty for the beer by the way.
Larry sighs, then takes a note out of his silver handbag. When he hands it over, Eric holds it up to the light.
LARRY Lord, you’re so tight when you weigh fruit at the supermarket I expect you do it before you put it in the plastic bag.
ERIC That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever…
MR WONKA bursts in, wearing a twirly bow-tie and a shiny suit.
MR WONKA Never fear – for I am around!
LARRY AND ERIC (groan) Mr Wonka…
ERIC What’re you trying to sell us this time?
MR WONKA Anal acne… Piles… Thrush…
LARRY I don’t think we need any my good man.
MR WONKA One good rub of Wonka’s Whacky Wart Lotion and your bottom will be soft as baby’s. (proud) I thought of that bit.
ERIC No. You can’t squeeze anything out of me.
WONKA Which is precisely why you need this.
LARRY Mr Wonka. Why don’t you try your lotion on the twats?
WONKA It’s not designed for that side.
ERIC The staff. They’re sick…
WONKA Especially Al when he plays with donkeys.
LARRY (cries) Poor beast. It’ll never walk again…
ERIC I mean – look.
Eric hands the binoculars to Wonka, who looks through them and jumps.
WONKA Will’ll never walk again either.
LARRY I didn’t think Al was that desperate…
WONKA Eric buy this. It’ll improve your life…
ERIC Piss off.
WONKA The proceeds go to charity…
ERIC Piss off.
WONKA It helps you f**k.
ERIC Piss – what? How?
LARRY Eric fancies Maureen.
ERIC How do you know?
LARRY Something you said the other day. You said, ‘I fancy Maureen.’
WONKA Eric if you buy this, next time Maureen comes in you can say ‘I feel so terrible, I need a hug’ – she’s bound to give you one…
ERIC Mmmmmm…
WONKA ‘I’ve got this awful pain and it needs massaging’ – she’s bound to give you one…
ERIC Mmmmmmmm….
WONKA ‘I’ve got this huge swelling and it needs a good…’
Larry screams and faints.
Lights off; on:
Twats’ digs. They’re looking at the papers nervously.
AL (groans)
Tom hits him.
TOM That bastard Lee…
WILL He’s a brute…
AL He’s a dildo…
TODD And he’s an eavesdropper…
LEE (off) I bloody heard that!
TOM How can we prepare?
WILL Todd said he did a promotional video for his last school.
TODD (bashful) Oh that…
AL Come on Todd, we’re desperate.
TODD I’m shy…
TOM I’ll lend you Al’s copy of Cosmopolitan.
TODD It was like this… First I came in a sun-hat and shorts.
AL So did I once.
TOM Shut up Al. Then?
TODD Then the voice-over, ‘Teaching is topical’ – that was joke.
Silence.
TODD Topical. Sounds a bit like ‘tropical’.
Silence.
TODD So I went ‘Titles!’ and there was a shot of…
AL (laughs) I get it! Topical… Sorry.
TODD … The headmaster in bed with a woman pulling his trousers off, ‘My school, my school, my wonderful school’ – that got a laugh – then the tape fizzled up, music – ‘Fame! I wanna live forever’ – I’m sitting at a desk like I’m typing but actually I’m playing the music on a keyboard – visual gag – I introduce myself but the keyboard keeps burping and interrupting so I chuck it away – SMASH! CRASH! SCREAM! – Are you all right Keith? I’ll favour this camera… Hi I’m Todd and it gives me the most enormous – I look at my willy – pleasure to see you at my language laboratory (pronounces like lavoratory). The labby with a difference. We don’t do grammar, we don’t do vocab, we don’t do bugger all. To show you what we mean, we picked a cross-section of plebs attending the school. One from France…
Accordion music (off).
TODD Moustachio’d guy with beret and stripey suit and onions across his shoulder – one from Germany…
Deutschland, Deutschland über alles! (off)
TODD Bloke in Lederhosen, swigging beer and folk-dancing – one from Spain…
Music from ‘Carmen’ (off).
TODD Guy waggling red sheet, twirling, olé! – and one from Belgium.
Pause.
TODD So I’m gonna select one of you at random. And I walk round pointing, Could be you, and all the time the Frenchman’s putting his hand up, s’il-vous-plait-s’il-vous-plait-s’il-vous-plait so I go Stop it, they’ll think you’re a plant – ‘But plants are green and have ze leaves’ – pun – I crack the funnies here, and how come froggies understand English verbal dexterity but still say simple things like ‘Oui Monsieur’ in French – observational humour – like you book some French maid all ‘oui monsieur, non monsieur, trois sacs pleins monsieur,’ then you go, ‘Can I have a double side order of aubergine and mincemeat and fried ferret droppings nicely boiled in lentil kendal meat cake’ and she understands every bloody word. I mean whereja learn that eh, certainly not here, if any of our students leaves with that level of English where’s that gonna leave our student turn-over next year? Up la crêke de merde sans pâdle, that’s… Can we cut that bit out Keith?… Now froggie I’m gonna ask you a few questions, are you nervous? Say no Todd – ‘Non Todd’ – well you should be, you’re gonna make a complete tit out of yourself in a minute – comedy turn to camera – then I ask his name and he says ‘Claude Nobbe’ and at first I don’t react, then I do a double-take: What, did your dick get mauled by a runaway tiger or something? ‘Yes, was very traumatic and I cannot bear ze children’ – sentimental moment – I go Sorry, Keith can we...? Now I’d like to play a game with yer Nobbe – cheap innuendo, audience loved it – I describe it and you guess what it is and remember, it’s all done under laboratory conditions. And we look up at an overhead camera – Paul Daniels reference – but Nobbe keeps getting it wrong, like the word’s ‘ambulance’ so I go You shove a decrepit old man in the back and it races round town going ‘wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-waaahhh’ and he says, ‘Me’ – politically incorrect gaybashing gag – or it’s ‘microwave’ so I go It sits in the kitchen waiting for you to shove your meat in and turn it on, and he goes, ‘Still me’ – callback – so I go, You twist and twiddle and tease at the knob to warm it up – same as – but he still doesn’t get it so I go ape-shit, I walk up and down and scream You’re gonna bloody get this, it’s a household appliance and you put food in and it can be boil-in-the-bag, it can be chicken frikasee… Fade out, caption: ‘three weeks later’ – and I’m still marching up and down, I’m yelling, It can be Findus but if you’re that desperate I suggest you seek medical help, and Claude’s in tears now, sobbing and weeping and wailing, ‘Je ne sais pas,’ so I go It’s a f**king microwave… ‘We don’t ’ave ze microwave...’ Silence. Obligatory coq au vin innuendo. I look at the camera – Keith! – then smile: I think that went very well. Much better than last time. So let’s try another student – I wander over to the Belgian guy: It sits in the kitchen waiting for you to…
Todd collapses on the floor, breathing heavily.
Pause.
WILL I think you’ve been very brave.
TOM But that wouldn’t happen in real life would it?
TODD No Tom. Sorry Tom.
TOM I’ve got it. We’re gonna nick the exam papers.
AL We can’t do that.
TOM Why not?
AL ’Cause Lee keeps them in a high-security safe surrounded by barbed wire and mantraps and rabid man-eating buffalo.
TOM What are you, scared?
AL (thinks)Yeah.
TOM Ha! The man who once scored the winning cup for the twats rugby league against the Gravesend Under-Fives Nursery School’s scared. What are you, gay?
AL (thinks) Yeah.
TOM This calls for a combination of applied psychology and extreme bastardry… One word guys: Cosmopolitan.
Will, Al and Todd make a bolt for the door… Then Al stops and turns back to Tom.
AL Hang on, that’s my copy of...
TOM Just do it Al.
AL But I’ve got a fancy dress party tonight.
WILL Last fancy dress you came completely in black and when I accidentally pushed you you gobbed on me.
AL I was a blackhead.
TODD A party? I don’t get it.
AL Well it’s a place where people enjoy themselves and…
TODD Can I come?
AL I don’t know, you’ll have to see a doctor about that.
TOM Al what’s the party for?
AL My girlfriend’s birthday. I’m gonna go completely wild… And so will she when she finds out.
TOM Okay. Go to the party but remember: don’t exaggerate. You’ve got something important to do.
AL (concentrating) Don’t exaggerate… I’ve got…
Lights off.
Party music, celebration (off).
AL (off) My name’s Al. That’s so you’ll know what to scream…
Music louder (off).
AL (off) Know what I like in a woman?… My penis.
Music louder (off).
AL (off) Don’t go yet.
Scuffle, footsteps… Music softer (off).
AL (tearful, off) You won’t leave me will you?
Cow moos (off).
Lights on.
Twats’ digs. Al is sprawled on the floor covered in cowpoo. He has a spliff in his mouth, a bottle of methylated spirits across his gut and a bottle of Vicks up his bottom.
AL (mutters) Something important to do…
Tom, Will and Todd enter. Todd falls over Al and dislodges the Vicks so Al yelps in pain.
TOM Al! You get the papers?
AL Yes!
WILL You did?
AL Yes that was it! That was the…
TODD But you did get the…?
AL No. There’s a really good reason but I can’t…
TOM You’re a useless stupid f**king piss-head moron tossbag jockstrap.
AL Yes that was it! That was the really good reason.
TOM Will?
WILL Well I had a nice old chat with that dishy lady and asked if she’d work her magic on Mr Lee for us.
TOM And?
WILL I don’t remember her exact words… Something along the lines of what you just said to Al. But I still have my dignity.
TOM Todd?
TODD What?
TOM Did you…?
Todd grins, pulls papers out of his pockets. Al grabs them and is about to wipe his arse with them when Todd pulls them off him, wipes his own arse with them and hands them to Tom.
TOM Thank you Todd… (opens up papers, flicks at them, clears his throat to read) ‘Ooh-er Missus that’s not an elephant’s trunk it’s just my way of saying I like you…’
AL Phwoar!
TOM You dildo Todd! You got Lee’s bedtime stories by mistake!
WILL I feel Todd was disadvantaged seeing as he can’t actually read.
TODD But I love reading. (twists open the back of his shirt and looks at the label) ‘Pure cotton. Do not spin dry…’
TOM All I can say is, thank God someone knows what he’s doing.
Al looks proud; then gapes as Tom takes a sheaf of papers out of his pocket and flourishes them. They gather round…
AL F**king brilliant… What can possibly go wrong now? (sniffs)
TOM No Al.
Al scrunches up his nose…
WILL Al please…
Al’s mouth gapes open…
TODD Don’t do it Al…
Al sneezes and multi-coloured snot shoots out and all over the papers.
AL Yes that was it! That was the thing that could possibly go wrong.
Tom, Will and Todd look at each other…
Lights off.
Ambulance (off).
LARRY (off) And he’s giving him an upper-mid left-side lower front forward kick in the jacksie…
ERIC (off) Larry!
WONKA (off) Well none of this will matter if they use Wonka’s Whacky Wart Lotion… It works, it works, it – give me those binoculars – f**k it did work.
Lights on.
Twats’ digs.
Tom, Al and Todd are lying on the floor.
TOM It worked.
TODD You’ve taught the students and they’re all gonna pass?
TOM No Wonka’s lotion. You see while you were asleep I cunningly rubbed a little over you all…
AL AND TODD (gasp)
TOM And now we’re all right as rain.
Storm (off).
AL You pervert Tom!… Wake me up next time.
TODD So that’s what it was. I was wondering what came over me.
AL So was I. It’ll cost a fortune in dry-cleaning.
TOM All we have to do is go into the classroom, hand these sheets round…
Fart.
TOM I said sheets…
TODD I can use that when I’m teaching.
FART!
TOM Al…
AL It wasn’t me.
Todd throws the phone at Tom, who switches it on.
TOM Yes Mr Lee… No Mr Lee… Of course Mr Lee…
TODD Who is it this time?
TOM (laughs) Lee and he suspects nothing, the dildo. That tossbag’s only good for one thing…
Lee bursts in, dressed in military uniform.
TOM And that’s being a highly capable and organised boss of a fantastic languages school… Oh hello Mr Lee, I didn’t see you there.
LEE Don’t give me that you pussy poopants. I have a letter here… (clears throat) ‘You are a bastard…’
AL Stop talking to me and read the…
LEE ‘One of those complete and utter nobends you claim to call a teacher…’
TODD Stop reading my references and read…
LEE ‘Came across me last afternoon…’
TOM Al I told you about that.
AL Sorry Tom.
LEE ‘He shall remain nameless for reasons of privacy. Suffice it to say, Will said the twats were planning to steal the exam papers so we can all pass despite the fact they know as much about teaching as Michael Jackson knows about coping with fame… Yours sincerely, Mable.’
Crash (off).
TODD (looks off) Are you all right Will?
AL Listen Mr Lee – Sir – there’s a perfectly good explanation for all this. I’m a useless stupid f**king piss-head...
TOM Lee I have a solution.
LEE So have I. Wonka’s Whacky Wart…
TOM I mean why don’t you let us go in anyway, give them the exams so they all pass despite the fact that we know as much about…
LEE Couldn’t possibly. It’d be immoral.
AL What’s wrong with living forever?
LEE Ineffable.
AL What’s wrong with effing for…?
LEE Plus I’m a bastard. So you’re gonna get in that classroom before that door gets such a banging Will’s mother starts getting jealous. So go!
Lights off.
MAUREEN (off) I’m sorry boys I can’t go out with either of you… Why not? Well it’s not a big thing… That’s why I can’t go out with either of you.
Fart (off).
Lights on.
Tom, Will, Al and Todd are lying around as before.
TOM It’s okay guys. I’ve just had a tip-off.
WILL Oooh painful.
TOM I spoke to Maureen…
TODD So soon after your operation?
TOM Look at this fax…
AL (groans) Just look at the…
TOM ‘Dear twats...’ (groans) Just look at the…
TODD (takes the paper) ‘Dear…’ Just look at…
WILL (takes the paper) ‘Dear twats, We cannot do the exam as we are all sick. Mable caught a bug off Will and…’
TOM Will I could kiss you.
WILL Please don’t. I have enough complexes of my own without…
AL Shut up everybody. Let’s just turn that sheet back over and…
Tom, Will, Al and Todd gather round and oggle and groan.
Lights off.
Theme music.
LEE (off) That was ‘School Daze’…
MAUREEN (off) ‘Twat’s Magic’, starring…
TOM, WILL, AL, TODD (off) Twats.
MAUREEN (off) Any similarity to any of the dickheads we’ve met teaching over the years is completely coincidental so f**k off and don’t write in to complain Ian.
Theme music off.
ERIC (off, groans)
LARRY (off, groans)
MAUREEN (off) I don’t believe it. You too…
LARRY, ERIC (off) No we’ve caught the bug off Mable.
ERIC, LARRY (off, groan harder)
WONKA (off) Never fear – for I am around! One dab of Wonka’s…
MAUREEN (off, groans hardest)
