Jim's Garden Round Up 1

EXT. GARDEN. DAY.

A MIDDLE-AGED MAN (JIM) IS LEANING ON A SPADE LOOKING TOWARDS CAMERA.

JIM:
Welcome to Jim’s Garden Round Up. Now, if you remember, last week I planted some rhubarb. I’m sorry to say that since that my wife has left me. She caught me having an affair with a lady, a dead lady, as it happens.

She had only been dead a couple of months mind, Christ, she had hardly started to rot. But my missus Liz, well, there was no talking to her.

I said to her I did about my mate Dave. You see, Dave’s been f**king a corpse too but it’s a bloke. Yeah, Dave happily married and all that with kids is getting up to some gay hoo-ha.

I said to Dave I did. This dead fella you’re f**king. Was he gay when he was alive? Do you know anything about his life? And Dave says, ‘I dunno Jim, but he’s f**king gay now that’s for sure.’

Now, I’m not homophobic in any shape or form but cheating on your wife with a dead bloke? That’s a f**king disgrace, if you don’t mind me saying so.

Anyway, me and Dave got talking about what was the best f**k on planet earth. I said to Dave I did. The best f**k on planet earth is if you f**k a turkey several days before Christmas. A turkey, several days before Christmas, knowing of its impending doom, would be gagging for it, it would f**k anything.

So Dave says, ‘Nah mate. The best f**k on planet earth is if you f**k a turkey while it’s getting it’s neck rung'. And you know what? He was f**king right. It was bootiful.

See you next week on Jim’s Garden Round up. Goodbye.

I found it nasty I'm afraid.

Good idea but too crude and revealed too early.

A slow buld up might work better.

I liked the way this was going right up to the introduction of the necrophilia angle. So for about a line and a half.

But the idea of a gardening presetner making inapproriate revelations is funny.

I found it quite funny, I might be a bit wrong.

Ta guys

A good idea and ripe for comedy. I agree that it could do with a little less f**king, whether it's dead bodies, gay, straight or bestial. But that's maybe 'cos I live on my own and get none.

At least while it concerned the buried bodies, the gardening angle was legit.
Then it drifts of into turkeys and Bernard Matthews.
Needs more discipline.

No, not that sort of discipline.

"Welcome to Jim's Garden Round Up. Now, if you remember, last week I planted some rhubarb. I'm sorry to say that since that my wife has left me."

This line works for me. Then I lose interest, because it's too blunt. Perhaps a slow descent into tears or rage, juxtaposing gardening tips with revelations of their life's collapse might work?

Cut the bit about turkeys and rewrite the rest. I must admit I found some of it funny though, but then again I am a scumbag.

It's terrible - but in a very good way.

The obscenity is handled very well. Every time I thought it couldn't get any more obscene, it did - but it wasn't crude. It was skilful, well-thought-out obscenity.

It's not my kind of sketch but I'm not head of world comedy-commissioning so don't worry about that.

A forward-thinking TV executive willing to put his wotsits on the line might go for this.