The Milkman - My morning Cuppa

Here is a script I wrote half a year back, based on the stories my grandfather told me when he was a milkman, it is based in the 80s. I would love some critical response as I know it is not my best work, but as it is based on my grandfather's stories I would love to make it work.

I think it went wrong when I tried to mix social commentary with comedy (Dangerous I know), even though I was not even alive in the 80s.

I uploaded it onto circalit: http://www.circalit.com/thephoenix/projects/project_1344871029/?readScreen=true

I read the first eight pages, it was rather heavy going and I didn't get the feeling it was going anywhere to be honest...

I read the first 2.

Did your grandfather really tell you about stacato exchanges with another milkman? Involving not especially funny gags.

Yeah he did actually, he told me about the things they talked about, what they got up to and all the apprentices he had had over the years. (I take credit for the not especially funny gags!).

What I mean is I don't get the feel of any real character. And I'm sure granddad was a fascinating guy.

I'd be interested to hear his voice, get to know him and what he did.

But at the moment it's just second rank gags.

I agree with what you are saying, when I wrote it I couldn't tell if I wanted to do it as a studio sitcom or a more naturalistic character comedy, like the sort on bbc 2. So I tried to combine both and it ended really in a bit of mess. The character is meant to not really like people, loves money, rather mean at times.

Part of it is based on real life and other bits aren't:

Like when he makes the child push a milkfloaf - That bit is not based on real life you'd be glad to hear.

But he did once confess to borrowing a horse and attaching it to the milk float.

Which do you think is the way to go, remove the second rate gags and make it a more character comedy? (I have heard audiences scream with laughter at second rate gags especially in 'Miranda')

I think you need to find your characters and find your setting. Because the confusion you describe is whats coming over.