Back when the Sketch Comp was titled "family" I wrote this, but then forgot about it, and didn't enter it.
Since I can't be arsed to write nowt at the moment, this is like forgetting you've previously put a Mars bar in the freezer, and finding it randomly when you're hungry and can't be bothered to go to Budgens.
It's offensive (and biologically/genetically flawed, no doubt), but my formatting is always good.
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There's a really good idea in there and the adopted punchline is excelent
You just need to drop the crudety and the stuff about salads as it completely undermines it
Kernel of a funny idea - worth working on. I would try and cut it in half and I think "adopted" is the punchline, so would stop there. I would do at most one parents sex joke and make it less crude as it sticks out too much as is.
Making up a name for the disease took longer than writing the actual sketch IIRC...
What did Peep Show call theirs back in that episode where his uncle died? Google is drawing me a blank..
Laughed at the met at the support group line. Solid advice from soots and DS.
Agree with everything that has been said, and enjoyed the overall feel despite the bits that would be best off cut out.
Yes the punch should be the adoption line; is there a gag there about garden cress, a pun maybe? Because if there is, I didn't get it.
Well, initially I guess they were just so indifferent towards what's happened, they immediately switch attention to the groceries.
Then the mother reduces the amount of groceries they need to buy, after remembering she now has one less mouth to feed.
By the way, I appreciate the feedback. Not sure sketches are the medium I want to pursue in the end, but they do seem a damn-sight easier than other forms of comedy writing. Sketches need to be funny. End of. Sitcoms/films have to have good stories, be funny, and combine the two. That's ignoring the respective time-commitments.
Quote: SimonWing @ August 15 2012, 7:43 AM BSTWell, initially I guess they were just so indifferent towards what's happened, they immediately switch attention to the groceries.
Then the mother reduces the amount of groceries they need to buy, after remembering she now has one less mouth to feed.
Sure, I got the 'one less mouth' thing, but it really wasn't worth it for all that awkward set-up. "Delicious seasonal fresh salad vegetables" sounds like the set-up for some gag, so I was confused when none came. I don't think it's worth underlining the parents' attitude of indifference either, it's not funny in itself.
So overall I think you've written a great sketch, and all you need to do is cut out the deadwood.
OK, I have had a fiddle, and edited the OP to have the punch (nearly) at the end, and the punnet stuff earlier.
I have reduced the scandalous language a little bit too.
Thanks. It probably reads a bit smoother now.
Liked the sketch and it's got some good lines in there, the meeting at the support group one in particular and I liked the way the story unfolded.
Only niggle is that the symptoms of the disease 'rapid motor paralysis' to me anyway, are a bit too 'real' and there are such diseases which affect kids so that diminishes the funny for me, I think you could have got a lot of mileage out of the symptoms if you had made them bizarre and somehow comical.
I didn't see the original version, but I still think this version would be funnier if it was cut even further. I like that they met at the support group, but the diagram, the peachy bum, and the baby batter business makes the sketch drag a bit for me, and the abortion line just spoiled the punchline.
I also think it might flow better if they don't run upstairs- the adoption reveal could just be said after the gunshot or the punnet line.
I do agree that the disease seems harsh, although I suppose it would have to be for him to be suicidal over it- perhaps you can think of something horribly embarrassing rather than terrifying?
It's getting there but you're making 3 fatal errors.
1 Crudeness. The joke is his loving parents are doing something unbelievably selfish. So the nicer and more sympathetic they are the sharper the humour.
2 The cress line etc is still confusing and again splitting the joke.
3 You're still running on past the end of the punch. The punchline ends on "adopted" anything else is confusing.
Less if often more. I think to get the model of this joke right I think you need to think Jam.