(Never written stand-up before, all comments welcome. Not sure how best to format it)
Observational comedians; have you ever noticed how they keep asking
you if you've ever noticed stuff? Like I did just then in fact? It's
all "have you ever noticed how people won't look you in the eye on
Skype" or "have you ever noticed how chocolate tastes all, I dunno,
chocolatey?" What's with that?
Like they might say "Some clothes have buttons which don't undo.
What's with that?" Actually, what IS with that? I bought a top the
other day, went to undo the pocket and found it was just a button sewn
onto the flap. Not so much a pocket as a 'mocket'. Are they, like, for mime artists to keep their things in? [MIMES TAKING SOMETHING OUT OF POCKET AND EATING IT] Mmm, chocolaty. What's with that?
You might as well have an empty cup of cappuccino, or a music radio
station with no actual music in. And you'd call it radio 1.
Maybe fake pockets were designed for imaginary friends? [POINTS AT
AUDIENCE] Sir, does your imaginary friend have them? You don't have an
imaginary friend? Oh, you think your wife's sitting next to you, do
you, OK, best leave that one there then. Fancy some chocolate? [OFFERS
IMAGINARY CHOCOLATE] No not for you, for your [COUGHS] wife.
So, observational comedy, what's with that? Turns out I do a bit of
observational comedy, so take me for example; well, don't literally
take me, I'm not advocating kidnapping. Leave that to the Somalians.
As I was saying; take me, for example; but not literally. Actually,
have you ever noticed how 'literally' now means 'figuratively' to most
people? What's with that! Like they might say "I literally had a
heart attack!"...although thinking about it, that guy did actually
need CPR. Well how was I to know? I thought he was talking
figuratively! I say 'talking', it was like [DRAMATIC GROAN]. Have you
ever noticed how melodramatic stroke-victims are? What's with that?
Anyway, back on topic, take me for example. But not [BEAT] not
literally. As an observational comedian, my average
day is like this;
7.30am, wake up, have you ever noticed how loud the alarm is when you're still massively pissed? What's with that?
7.40am, alarm goes off again, have you ever noticed how the wet patch is always on your side of the bed? What's with that? Well I suppose it IS my vomit.
7.50am, alarm goes off again, have you ever noticed how smelly your
bedmate is in the morning, yeah? How smelly he* is, when he died 3 days
earlier because you didn't realise he needed CPR? What's with that!
You'd think the black bag would stop the smell, I mean I thought I'd tied
it tightly enough, but no, the flies always find their way in, don't
they? That reminds me, I really, really must remember to put the binbags
out this week.
*or she
