Reception (or whatever it was called) Reject

Are there going to be any more radio pilots involving celebrities going to the BBC Radio building? No? Well may as well post this then.

Comment/compliment/curse away. Not done much sketch writing in a while so feel free to say whatever. I'll learn.

Note: Franny's the name of the receptionist at the BBC Radio Reception desk.

FRANNIE AND MCCARTNEY

FRANNIE:Ah, good afternoon, Lord McCartney.

PAUL MCCARTNEY:Er, I’m not a... you mean knight.

FRANNIEh, beg my pardon. Good night, Lord McCartney.

PAUL MCCARTNEY:Er, no, I-

FRANNIE:Ha, only joking. Can I get you anything? I can get you anything you want, Sir McCartney. Anything at all! And I do mean anything! Anything! Funsize twix. Xtra size twix. Twix biscuit finger. Twix ice cream bar. Anything!

PAUL MCCARTNEYh, well, come to think of it, I would quite like a twix. Er, just a normal sized one.

FRANNIEh, don’t have any of those.

PAUL MCCARTNEYh... Well can you get me two fun sized twixs then?

FRANNIE:Nah, can’t be bothered now.

PAUL MCCARTNEYh, right... Anyway, I’m popping in to see Jools-

FRANNIEh, I don’t suppose- for your new single, and I’m not referring to anyone in particular here, but er... do you need someone to sing backing?

PAUL MCCARTNEY:Erm, what?

FRANNIE:I mean, I’m not talking about anyone in particular doing background singing. Just a... (LAUGHS) completely random thing to say... Marzipan ... See, random things are said all the time. Doesn’t mean there’s a self-serving motive behind what’s being said. (LAUGHS) Anyway, need any singers?

PAUL MCCARTNEY:Erm, well, actually, I do need a few soprano singers for this new track I’m doing.

FRANNIEHIGH-PITCHED SQUEAKY VOICE) Oh. Really?

PAUL MCCARTNEY:Yes. Actually, I don’t want to keep Jools waiting, so I really should-

FRANNIE:Wait, wait, wait! Paul, erm, Paul, can I maybe- please could I sing in your song?

PAUL MCCARTNEYoh, erm, well I’m sorry, luv, but I think the record company has some people lined up.

FRANNIEh... Ooh, shall I take you to Jools then?

PAUL MCCARTNEYh. Er, yeah. Would be lovely of you.

F/X:FRANNIE AND PAUL MCCARTNEY WALK.

FRANNIE:No probs. Just go in there.

F/XOOR OPENS. PAUL STEPS IN.

PAUL MCCARTNEYK... Oh, it’s dark in-

F/XOOR CLOSES AND LOCKS.

PAUL MCCARTNEYCONT’) Here... Dark and full of brooms... And cleaning equipment... And not much else... Erm, are you sure Jools wanted to meet me here?

END

Lots of nice dialogue, liked the Twix bit and great 'knight' joke. You could use the 'marzipan' line to better effect, and the 'can't be bothered now'. I can imagine it working much better on radio than as a stand-alone sketch, but if you're going to develop it for anything else the end should be stronger. Nb, you've spelled her name 'Franny' in beginning note.

Yeh it was ok.

Personally if I was reading it I'd of stopped after the first bit of dialogue, the knight bit just seemed a bit eye rolly. But the Twix stuff is good, maybe cut straight into that faster ?

But the character's meant to be eye rolly!
I really enjoyed writing 'eye rolly'. I'm going to try to use it more often, cheers Gavin

I like this. The conversation flows nicely and I could definitely see the exchange happening between the two, with Frannie being the annoyingly intrusive, yet nervously polite, person I imagine her to be. Using a celebrity like that means a reader can already hear their voice in the dialogue.

Personally, I think I would have let the characters do more. With Frannie already being so forward, she could do something like lean forward a touch, trying to rearrange her top as she's talking to Macca, hoping to expose a little extra to him. This could lead to another comedy moment, like her having so much trouble with the buttons, she ends up getting a pair or massive scissors out of her drawer and cutting them off. All the time, Macca's trying awkwardly not to look.

That's not, by any means, something you NEED to do, but there is definitely room for more going on throughout the conversation. Nice work, though. As I said, it flowed nicely and I 'saw' the scene.

The dialogue is nice and natural, but didn't feel any of the laughs were very strong. I quite liked the ending as it highlighted the personality of Frannie well. I suppose, ultimately, I didn't find the middle section very strong. Not just down to the laughs, but the premise was a bit basic.